I'm Meant To Hate You

26

"Dinner's ready." She said from the doorway, lingering. Her discomfort radiated from the mere few feet that distanced us, smothering me. It was clear that she had so much more that she wanted to say, but she was wary of me. Wary of how I would react.

"I'm not hungry." I grumbled, not moving from my position on the bed but turning my head to take her in. She had changed into a baggy pair of red checkered pyjama bottoms and a white vest top and fuck did they do her justice. Despite my current feelings for this woman stood in front of me, I could still see her beauty underneath it all.

"You need to eat, please?" She insisted, in a way that seemed as if she cared deeply about my wellbeing.

"Why do you care Fox? Just fuck off." I muttered, standing as I pulled my blazer jacket off and tossed it on the floor.

"You haven't called me that in ages." She whispered out, delving into her mind as a frown took over her face. I shook my head at her, going over to my wardrobe to find a change of clothes. I made my way into the bathroom, not bothering to close the door. I changed into a pair of boxer shorts and a loose fitting white t-shirt before going back into my room, seeing her unmoved.

"What do you want?" I asked, fed up of her going round and round the roses.

"I just- I want you to eat." She stuttered, unsure of what to say.

"I don't need you to fuss over me. You made it clear how things are between us. Just leave me alone Fox." I flopped back down on my bed, turning away from her as my heart ached.

"I-I'm sorry." She said, before leaving and shutting my door behind her. And as much as I wanted to let her go, I couldn't contain the pain coursing through my body. I huffed as I got up, yanking my door open as I followed her into the living room, where she sat resting against a pillow. Her head snapped in my direction, her eyes going wide as I stood in front of her, finally paying attention to her properly.

"You don't mean that. You're a fucking joke, Emily. Sorry isn't going to fix it. You fucked me, and then you walked away. How do you think that made me feel? Do you think I deserved to be just, thrown away once you're done with me?" My voice wobbled, my hands clutching onto her vest as I yanked her up from the sofa. Her hands gripped my wrist as I stood her in front of me.

"I-I..."

"I don't get you. Something happened when I was gone, which you wouldn't tell me. I offered to support you, instead we gave into what we wanted. And then you fucked off. You had sex with me, possibly the best sex I have ever had because it was with you, and you just... you went. I have wanted it for so long, fucking hell, I've fantasised about that very thing, and then you betrayed me. I let you fuck me Emily. I have never regretted something more." I mumbled, releasing her and rubbing my face, taking a step back.

"I- he hit me. My Dad. That's why I moved in here." She mumbled, clearly a bit shaken up.

"Why did you stop acting?"

"Having an agent meant having someone you could trust to keep you afloat during some of the most controversial moments of your life. My agent was the controversy. He wanted- he tried it on with me, Richard fired him on the spot. I didn't want another agent. Richard had an opening and I took it, I didn't want to be the actress who was displeased with the decisions that were being made, so I took the easy way out. The film's coming out in a few years, they thought it would be better to leave it until a more...ideal time came about. And for you, I regret it too." She said, watching the tears stream down my face. I turned away at her declaration, but her hand pulled me back.
"I didn't mean it like that. I don't regret having sex with you, I just wish I had done it differently. I wish I hadn't left. I know it doesn't excuse it, but I panicked. I was going to tell you that I think I loved having you crumble against me, and it scared me. It scared me how much I loved it. So I ran away. And I'm so sorry. I don't know how to make it better." She confessed, looking up at me.

I stood silently for seconds, maybe minutes. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't blame her for being scared, for being worried about how fast things were moving. But at the same time I couldn't allow her to just get away with treating me that badly.

"You're a fucking idiot." I muttered, pulling her into me as I enveloped her in a hug. I breathed out as I leant my head on her's. "But I promised myself when I first had you in my office, that I would never let you walk all over me. And you did just that. I don't think it's something I want to risk again. Not yet anyway." I tried to explain. Was it weird that I had made a promise to myself that out of all the things in the world, I wouldn't let her walk all over me? Was it strange that I told her? Was it even okay that the first thought I had back during that fateful day was to keep myself out of harms way? I didn't think it was selfish, but I also wished that maybe I had thought of things a little differently.

"Okay." She mumbled, pulling away from the hug. "I'll put your bowl in the microwave so you can eat it whenever." She said as she moved away from me.

Had I just made a mistake? To eliminate the chance of us being able to be romantic. I had told Richard to tell her that there was something, I gave her hope. But then she hurt me. So who exactly was in the wrong was proving to be difficult to figure out. In a sense, we had both done things that were wrong, and maybe I needed to accept the fact that I need to apologise to her properly. To make things right.

"Wait." My voice disintegrated in the air as it floated towards her. She turned to me, wishing, dreaming maybe. Hoping that I was going to say something other than what I had just initiated.
"I'm sorry." She let it hang in the air for a while.

"Why?" She frowned, tilting her head to the side as she tried to study me. I puffed out a breath and wrung my hands as her eyes longingly met mine.

"I gave you hope. I took the step to admit my feelings, so in that sense I gave you hope. I'm so sorry." I muttered, looking away from her as she moved towards me. Her hands cupped my cheeks as she turned my attention back to her.

"And I ruined it. Don't apologise for being truthful, for admitting how real all of this was. You were brave. Never apologise for having the courage to admit something that most people wouldn't. You gave me hope, and I blew it all up. You did nothing wrong, Kiana."She whispered as she placed a gentle kiss against my forehead. And for a moment I was gone. The warmth that filled my chest, the inability to pull away, the shiver that went down my spine. I wanted it all. And then she pulled away. "I hurt you when we were younger, and I'm doing it again now. I don't deserve you. I don't want to keep on hurting you. Maybe you're right, that this isn't the best thing for us."

It made me realise that maybe this time, I couldn't have it all.