CRUELEST SUMMER

10

Here you go little chickens

Lavender

  Every morning with I want to cancel it. Cancel it all. I don't want to go into work and see her face. Be reminded of our shared memories. I want to know what's she's thinking, yet I don't dare get close enough to her. I come here, film and leave before she can talk to me. Keeping her creative ideas in, I don't change shit. That's not my job, I just record.

Her album is set to release on Monday; who even releases an album on a Monday? Typically, they are done on Fridays, but who am I to say anything to her? Today is the last shooting day of the week, and I'm taking the weekend off to relax. We finished a few scenes, but she wasn't happy with the outcome, so we have been reshooting it. I can tell she's trying to get me to talk alone, but it never works out. Thankful for that on my part. As the day ends, some people filter out and leave as they are no longer needed. Taylor finishes a scene before I see her slide into the dressing room. I pack up a few pieces of gear I don't want to leave on set over the weekend. More so, if someone breaks in, I still have my shit.

"You wanna get drinks tonight?" Caleb asks from behind me

"Shit, you scared me, dude" I jump

"Ahhh, sorry," he scratches the back of his head, holding in a laugh.

"Uh, who's all going? I'm a bit tired," I yawn

"Just the crew, Alex was going to come but her girlfriend has a hockey tournament tonight" he says

"Sure, but I'm riding with you 'cause I need a drink," I say, slinging my backpack over my shoulder. There's a thunk, and I turn around.

"You dropped something, " Caleb says, grabbing the small notebook off the ground and handing it to me.

"Thanks," I say and grab it from him.

We go outside, where the crew is chatting, and I glance at the notebook. I don't recognize it. It's beaten and torn up. Before I can open it, someone pulls me out of my thoughts by clapping on my shoulders

"Good job today, lava," Simon yells

"Thanks"

Everyone filters into cars before we take off toward a bar.

I slip the notebook open as everyone is scrolling through their phones. 

This journal belongs to Taylor Swift

HOLY SHIT

I slam the book closed. I should not have this. At all. How did it end up in my bag? My hands heat up.

"You good," Caleb asks next to me from the driver's seat.

"Yep," I cover up my embarrassment.

Curiosity spikes my interest, and I can't help but open the journal back up. It's not like I'm prying; it was in my fucking bag.

May 19, 2003

Oh, I was such a bitch today! When mom picked me up, she was late again because she thought I had varsity singers. I was nasty to everybody!! Oh, I tried to practice my songs for Nashville, but I completely psyched myself out and cried. I don't know if I can do this. It would be so much easier if I had lavender here with me. I will never forgive my parents. I don't know if I can do this. I want it so bad, but it gets so scary; I get so scared of what might not happen! When I miss notes, I dive bomb in, and everything crashes. I have to breathe in and breathe out, breathing, relax. Nashville is not going to kill me. I can handle it. I'm OK. I'll be fine. I am young. I'm talented. They'll see it in me. I'll be OK. I've got to hang on. I can't worry, I'm only 13. I'm allowed to make mistakes. Oh, this is a lot to handle.

PS This is my new journal because my parents found my old one and threw it away. They threw it away because it was filled with lavender, everything I love and miss about her. I will never forgive them for taking me away from her, for never letting me contact her or send her messages, for never letting me see her or tell her that I'm alive. She will never forgive me; she will think I did it on purpose. I miss her every day. I always wonder where she is, who she is, what she becomes. One day, I will find her, and I will tell her how I feel.

Taylor Swift

Holy shit

My mouth goes dry, and I glance at Caleb. He's unaware of what I'm reading. What happened? Taylor wanted to talk to me.

I quickly flip to the next entry.

June 19, 2003

Hey, diary, this morning I woke up, and I went over to RCA records and did some small showcase and chatted with them. We talked to this girl, who was hip and relaxed with me. They liked me and said they would call on Monday because she would be on vacation that weekend. Then, we headed over to Capital Records and met with the president and vice president of the company. They flipped out over me! They even said I was the most Talented 13-year-old they had ever seen! They told me that I should thank God daily for the incredible gift he gave me. Yeah, I can't thank God for something so wonderful when he allowed my parents to take me away from Lavender. They don't understand that she was and is, and I will always be my best friend. No matter what happens to us. Well, I appreciate the compliment, but then they followed it up with, I hate to see you jump into this right now and have a short-lived career. They very politely agreed that the country is directed to 35-year-olds. Radio doesn't play teens. That's where I'm going to prove them wrong! Well, he took my demo and took me on a tour of the building and gave me about 25 CDs of capital artists. Isn't that nice? Then we went back to the hotel and then to Bluebird Café; this is where, like four songwriters, go in and see their songs. We saw each other in the back, but I just kept thinking about What it would be like to still have Lavender with me, how she would be cheering me on, how I would have somebody who understood me and gave me good feedback on my music. I have a radio call meeting with Warner and a flight to catch tomorrow. I need my sleep, but I have never slept well since we moved. Ever since my parents forced me away from my one true friend. I have begged them many times over again to let me send her a letter, knowing I'm OK. So she's not freaking out or thinking I'm a terrible friend. But they don't let me. Especially my dad; he wants me to and have nothing to do with lavender because of our last Interaction. He caught us on the front lawn Medicus. The truth is, I don't know how I feel precisely about people and relationships, but I know how I feel about Lavender, and it's breaking my heart every day not talking to her.

Taylor Swift

I slam the book shut and throw it in my bag. My stomach clenches and begins to turn. I feel my hands shake at the meaning of what I just read.

"Stop the car." I speak up

"We're almo-

"STOP THE CAR!" I yell as tears prick my eyes

Caleb quickly pulls the car over, and I push the door open before puking all over the grass. My legs shake, and tears form in my eyes.  I've never had something bother me so much that I become physically sick.

"Lavv," he calls out from the car

I throw my hand up as to signal 'not yet' as I I continue to puke up what little food I had in my stomach before standing up. I cannot think about this right now. I can't comprehend everything. My vision sways slightly before I take a few deep breaths.

"Do you need music or candy" he calls out in reference to my blood sugar level.

I get back into the car and shake my head. Nobody in the back says a word.

"Uh, are you okay?" Caleb asks

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I sigh and smile at him.

"We can take you home," She suggests

"No, I need a drink, especially after today." I buckle up.

"Okay, but I'm keeping an eye on you," he warns

Great

"To Caleb, speed up; Taylor is already there," Caden calls out from the back of the car

What?

I glance at Caleb, who sends a sheep smile

"You're fucked up"