CRUELEST SUMMER

11

Lavender

I've spent the last 13 years of my life hating this woman. The woman who made me realize I hate boys, the woman who I had feelings for and never acted on them. And now, the woman whose parents forced her never to contact me because she was caught kissing me. The ride to the bar was silent. Too silent.  The silence made my stomach turn once again.

What was I to think? My emotions conflicted with each other.

Should I read another??

No

I shouldn't

My mind reeled at the idea of what's written in this book.

Do I give it back? Should I even be reading it in the first place?

My stomach leeched forward. Should I talk to her? How do I even know this is true? I closed my eyes and decided to read one more, just one, before we got to the bar. Grabbing the book, I flipped it open to a random page.

June 3rd 2006

1 am

Weather: stormy
Radio: me
How I feel: sad
, bittersweet

Oh gosh, today was great. I got up early and went to Love Shack, a studio downtown with Mom. There, I had a phone interview for Westwood, one radio, then one for NASCAR radio, and then we broke for lunch. Then we went to Sirius Radio, and that went amazing. Then, an interview at CMT radio. Then, I went to the label to label envelopes of singles. Then we went home, and my new friend Abigail watched TV. I've made a few friends in this new city over the past three years, but none compare to Lavender. Abigail is a good friend, and she reminds me of Lavender in that she didn't care who I was or how people treated me.

She just wanted to be my friend. I sometimes cry at night about lavender and how she lives without me. My parents, mostly my dad, watch me a lot to make sure I'm not interacting with girls the way I did a lavender, but I can't help but feel achy towards boys. Maybe it's just something I will grow out of. I don't think I like boys. Later, I went to the volleyball courts and answered light 100 emails over my space. Then my friend called me and said they heard Tim McGraw on the radio! And I couldn't believe it! I am so excited. This is such an unbelievable life. I'm glad most of the time. God, I am so lucky to be doing this, but I still have regrets. I hope things keep going tremendously, and maybe one day, I will see her again.

This is all I am waiting for—everything except missing her. I tried sneaking a few letters out, but my parents caught me. My dad talked with me about how women are supposed to act and who we are supposed to love. It hurt my heart, so I haven't said anything to him. I tried looking for lavender online, but I couldn't find anything. Maybe I will see her soon. I don't like who I am, who the world wants me to be. Why does my heart desire what's wrong? Why would God allow that? My heart hurt because she was my true love, and I blew it.

Taylor Swift

I shove the book off and swear not to read another. My feelings are so mixed I can't despise how I feel. I'm mad and sad, and there's a hint of regret. I wiped the tears past my face and noticed we pulled into a spot.

"You ready?" Caleb asked

"Definitely "

A few drinks would be perfect to get this off my mind.

Caleb lied- The bar was more like a club. The dance floor was packed, and the bar was busy. This is what we get for a Friday night. I'm thankful I have many options to take my mind off those diary entries. I understood them, but it will take me a moment to comprehend and process them fully.