CRUELEST SUMMER

20

Graphic content: please be advised and do NOT read this chapter if you have issues with any of the following.

-ED
-SA

Lavender

   It was the last day that I was staying at the Swift's house. They decorate the day after Thanksgiving for Christmas and Taylor begged us to stay. I felt like I was intruding but I couldn't say no. No to her at least. My hard exterior is wiped away around her. I still don't understand how all she has to do I ask and I'm folding immediately.

   The sun was barely rising over the tree line and Taylor was snoring next to me. She kept me up late last night. Later then planned on being up. I should still be asleep but my mind woke me up. So many things to think and worry about. It always intruded on my sleep. I didn't mind most of the time.

Especially now when I'm sitting here next to her. Her mouth is slightly ajar and the air she breaths out caresses my skin. Her hair was wild- all over the place. And she had the blanket pulled up most of the way yet leaving a bare shoulder exposed.

    My heart still is so scared- especially because of the events that took place last night. But I'm trying to trust her. We're not kids anymore and we can make our own decisions so I'm choosing to trust her. Even if that goes against every thought in my brain. I'm going to give it a try.

I flip the journal open in my hands and flip to a page. My hands skimmed over the tear streaks that blurred some of the ink. She cried while writing this entry.

September 14, 2004 (14/15)

I feel like I can't breathe. My body hurts so bad. My dad got mad at me again. It's always me, never Austin. Why. Why me? When will it stop? I just want to be seen as good, as a good girl who gets good grades and is nice to everyone. But that wasn't enough for him. I try and Tay but it's not enough.

When will the things I can control be enough? He hurt me today- in more ways than one. I begged him to stop but once he found out about my online account he backhanded me. He has never been physical with me until now. I think I've filled in and sent him over the edge. My online account was a cover I used to talk to people about the things I liked. It was all appropriate conversation until I started talking about people I like.

And when I noticed the change. I joined ally groups and made online friends who liked me for who I was. They didn't want me to change. Not like my dad. He used the computer and I forgot to log out. He called me over and hit me. I never want to remember this day. Ever again.

My hands start to shake as I read on.

My dad was really mad. The worst I've seen him and it's my fault. All of it. After he deleted my account he told me I'm never allowed on the computer again. My mother was at work so nobody was home to intervene with his yelling and so when I did it got progressively worse. He kept saying that was wasn't going to allow his daughter to be this way.  

And that he would change me. So much to the point he hurt me. He forced me into my room and did awful things to me. I can't write it out without throwing up. I can't. He bit me on my shoulder because I kept screaming. I knew she bit hard enough to make me bleed.

I can't believe I'm writing this. If he finds it I'm toast. I know what he did and that's all that matters. When I get older I will tell everyone what he did and I will leave to be happy to go find my happiness. I wonder what that will look like. Can I ever be happy?
  The worst thing he did was hurt me. I don't know if I can tell my mom. She won't believe me. Austin won't believe me. I'm scared.