CRUELEST SUMMER

16

Lavender

I love sleep.

Like love it, I wish I could sleep all day but my body refuses to let me. It's just so peaceful and calm. Not having to deal with today's issues or drama.

I never could get enough.

The past few days the media has been eating Taylor up. They are slut shaming her, calling her fat then saying she's too small. What do they fucking want? She's been hanging out with her friends so the media would lay off digging for relationships but now they are hating on that as well. Talking about the only friends she has are models. Uhhh hello? I'm Not a fucking model?

The other night when Taylor was over she gave me one of her other journals. I originally didn't want to take it but she pressured me into it, she mentioned that it talked a lot more in-depth about what went on when she was forced to leave and how she was treated growing up. The only reason I took it was so I could understand her more. Understand why she acted the way she did.

So here I am, sitting in bed with the new journal in my hands. Even though I have permission this time it still feels wrong. Why does reading someone's journal feel wrong? It's like reading their thoughts. This interesémost important words.

I flip open the journal and pick a random page.

July 17th, 2004. (15 years)

My dad took away my door again. AGIAN?!???!!!! The reasoning this time was kinda valid. I fucked up. First, he found my old journal, I had to keep it stashed away keeping memories and photos from when I was a kid, well he found it and burned it. Everything in it. He almost took my necklace too but I freaked out on him, now I kept it tucked into my shirt. I don't understand why he's so angry about the situation that happened all those years ago. It's not that big of a deal. Not anymore.

   The real reason I lost my door is because I went to Amy's house down the road and I kissed her. It wasn't Amy's fault, she agreed because I wanted to figure myself out more. I was confused and I wasn't sure if it was just because of lavender that I felt a certain way. So she let me kiss her. And it was there but not, in the same way, it was with lavender, not even close.

  Amy's mom saw us and she of course told my dad because she's a snitch. I'll never know anything about my life if my dad keeps this up. About who I am. I think I'm really into girls though. With boys, it didn't make sense. Me and Amy keep sneaking around at school, sneaking kisses here and there. It hurt that it didn't feel the same as I remember with lavender but I'll take what I can get. I think I'm desperate for any physical touch.

   Let's just say it didn't end well, our teacher caught us making out under the bleachers and Amy's mom pulled her out of school and send her to an all-woman school- like that's going to help, she's fucking gay.

Am I gay?

I'm gay for sure.

I don't think I will ever understand how my desire to kiss a girl made me unlovable.

But here we are.

Well this leaves us here, til next time journal

Taylor Swift

Shit, I don't even know what I just read but it was kinda hilarious. She went on a little rant about this girl she liked. That little fucker. I set the journal down vowing to read another entry later. It was Saturday so I had the day off but I honestly needed to shop. Thanksgiving was the next week and I still had to get my employees a Christmas gift and shop for my mom and her new husband's side of the family.