CRUELEST SUMMER

13

Given this weekend's events, I needed to step away from all social media. The riots, protests, and unsettling videos from this weekend upset me, and I wasn't even there. This weekend was hard on many people, and my heart goes out to everyone affected. I can't imagine the pain people went through and the exhaustion Taylor went through to perform with such high heat.

                     🕊️ana clara benevides🕊️

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( late October 2014 still)

Lavender

I tossed and turned all night; my bed was too warm, and I knew I wouldn't have been able to get sleep once it hit 3 am. I sighed, reaching over to my nightstand to flick the light before sliding the journal off the nightstand. I flipped open the journal to a random page and started reading. Learning who she was all those years apart is like a drug. I want to know more about her and how she thought.

March 16, 2011 (21)
Paris France.

We went to Germany, then Venice, Italy, then Milan. Germany was a fantastic crowd. I was on a serious show. Hi, after that one. We spent our two days off in Venice, which is unbelievable. You have to travel everywhere by boat, and there are old houses where the front doorstep slides straight into the water. I heard about it, but seeing it is so surreal. The next day,

I explored a little in the morning, but I returned to the hotel and slept all day. I was catching up on a sleep I didn't get the whole trip. It wasn't until Venice that I slept an entire night. We took a side trip to Schwangav, where they have the castle. I've loved that castle since I was a little kid. I did a report on it and fourth grade.

  We drove two hours outside.  It was in a rural area of Germany, and we stayed in a tiny old hotel. My room had a circular bed that I couldn't sleep on. One leg is always dangling off the side, and I went shopping in this little village surrounded by the castle walls because the town was built in the 1600s. We went to this little shop where we poured our vinegar into bottles.

I got this cranberry balsamic vinegar. That is so good, you could probably drink it. I did. Anyway, today, I was anxious about my career because I didn't know what to do for the video. It's such an important song and message. And it just isn't coming together. I get so stressed out. I played our Malon show tonight, then flew to Paris. My life is so beautiful right now. Every once in a while, I must remind myself to breathe and take the view.

  I remind myself to remember where I came from. The people in my life growing up have inspired me and driven me to be a better person. My dad got into a fight last night because I told him I didn't want to date men, but since he is on my management team, he is forcing me to bring around different men in front of cameras and for pop walks, so it looks like I'm getting around.

  I tried explaining to him that I think I like women, but he refuses to accept it and does not want the public to know. It hurts my heart to think that my dad doesn't take me for who I am, but I know he's doing it because he cares for me.

Taylor Swift

I set the journal down. Why did her dad not accept her for who she was? Considering we were so young when we kissed, she must have known things were different. I at least knew they were different, maybe not in the whole liking girls' way, but boys were and still are disgusting. I knew I liked girls, but I always thought it was because of a strong friendship.