scrambled

that night || october 28th, 2023.

that night was the last time i saw him

or so i hope.

i didnt want to write about it publicly, but i'll do it for sloth.

•••

that night.

the night he threatened me

the night i stood up for myself

the night i cried

infront of people

for the first time in years.

•••

really dumb actually, all of this started because of my phone. a new one i didn't tell him about. i leave the room, only for a second. i come back to see him holding it as he's sitting down

"hey, can you put that down?"

i ask politely, knowing how he gets when he's angry.

"are you threatening me?"

"was that a threat?"

he asks me. all because i was standing, and you were sitting? of course i didn't say that. i wouldn't want to get hit.

"what do you mean?" i ask him, being as politely as i can.

and just like that, he begins to raise his voice.

it sounds dumb, but based off the trauma he gives me, tears begin to flow.

i hate that. i wipe them quickly, but he gets a chance to mock me.

"oh great, now you're crying. why are you crying?" i can tell he doesn't mean it, he says it in a mean and annoyed tone.

"because you yell at me for the dumbest reasons, and i don't understand. i don't talk, you yell. i speak up, you yell. what do you want from me? can we just be civil?"

"how about this, we don't be civil. come on, yell back. or else you're going to end up on the other side of that wall."

oh.

and i'm the one threatening you.

i have to play my moves right or else he'll blame it all on me again.

"and what does that mean, sir?"

sir.

because i am never calling that beast my father again.

"oh, so now you want to act polite?"

the things i could say, but i'm trying to be the bigger person here. i take a deep breath and he slaps his hands on his lap.

"great, now you're hyperventilating. why are you acting like this?"

"i told you before."

"im not the type of person to yell."

what the hell? i hate it when he does this. twisting my words and his actions. making him sound like he hasn't mentally abused me for years.

"you yelled at me less than 10 minutes ago."

he does this dumb thing where he doesn't say anything and looks at the ground for five minutes straight. he usually does it when he knows i'm right and he doesn't know what to say.

i sniff and wiped my tears away as he stands. he throws my phone on my bed and walks out like nothing happens.

god i hate when he does that. he messes up as a father completely and then he goes off pretending noting ever happens.

•••

there's more, but that's for another chapter.