Stray kids angst oneshots

self harm

Tw: pretty graphic self harm so just don't read it if u know ur triggered by this type of stuff

"Hyunjin-ah, are u feeling ok? You've been spacing out for two minutes into that wall..." Felix's deep voice was laced with concern and care.

Hyunjin made eye contact and quickly nodded, snapping out of his trance-like state and moving away from felix.

In reality he felt like shit. Hyunjin just felt awful. His brain was so scrambled and incoherent and loud and hyunjin had a million things he had to do rn but he couldn't think straight.

He didn't want to do anything but he didn't want to do nothing. He wanted to die and not deal with any emotions or lack of emotions.

Instead of dying, he was contimplating self harming.

He looked down at his pants. They were black today which is good because then if he bleeds too much it won't show or ruin the pants.

Do I have a box cutter or woodcarver in my bag? He thought, while trying to remember where he put those tools last time.

His mind was very cooperative when it came to planning out his self harm, and he remembered that he did have a sharp razor blade in his front pocket.

The boys were at the dance studio, practicing for their next comeback.
They had a break now, which means hyunjin had 15 minutes to himself.

Sparing no more time, he slipped the small blade into his pocket and headed to the bathroom.

He got into a stall and revealed his thighs to himself.

His eyes were transfixed on the white thick lines from three years ago, and the dark red ones from three days ago.

His thighs were his canvas of pain and sorrow. So beautiful. He thought to himself.

He pressed the blade down onto his thigh and swiped it across a fairly blank patch of skin on the more inner part of his thigh.

Shit that was deeper then I thought it would be. Hyunjin quickly squished the skin there so that the blood would fill up faster and clot faster.

Once the blood starred filling up the white styro deep cut, hyunjin froze still to watch his favorite view.

Blood started beading up and once the bubbles of blood got too dense, they broke and started falling towards the gravity pull.

Drip drip. Blood started pouring to the tiles of the cold studio bathroom floor.

Hyunjin quickly wiped it with toilet paper to make sure not to stain the floor.

Once he was done watching that first cut, he let himself go wild on creating more, and soon his left thigh had fourteen new cuts, some small some big.

Next he moved on to his right leg, to make it even and make his art look nice on the other one too.

He was already feeling satisfied and like he could stop, but he wanted to paint the other leg with just as much red as the first leg.

He was pressing down the blade for the fourth cut on the right leg when suddenly a knock on the bathroom door.

"We are starting in a minute so come out soon." Changbins voice was heard and then footsteps fading away.

Hyunjin briefly scrunched up toilet paper and put it on his aching cuts to stop the blood.

He hadn't noticed they were aching until now. That's normal for hyunjin. He's used to ignoring the pain while in the self harming rut, and only noticing it when he's calmed down.

After the blood was more or less stopping to fall, he pulled up his black pants and smiled, grateful he chose them today.

Going out of the bathroom to the studio, no one noticed his blank expression, or the way he slightly limped on his right leg when he walked.

Dancing was hell, but hey it was all part of the self harm experience. Feeling the fabric rub against his fresh cuts reminded him how much he was felt like he was sinking.

By the time the rehearsal was over, he wasn't able to even think of doing anything productive. Getting himself to bed seemed so difficult but all he wanted to do was sleep and escape reality.

"You're being really quiet today." Chan who was sitting next to him in the car, put his hand over hyunjins knee.

Hyunjin stared down into it and wondered how chan would react if he knew lay under his pants right above where chans hand was.

"I'm really tired from rehearsal." Hyunjin shrugged it off.

Later hyunjin had to take a shower. No one ever talks about how painful the showers are. He thought to himself, while undressing.

He stepped into the scalding hot water and grimanced when it hit his cuts.

The first one he made started to reopen and bleed a little. The others stung so bad he had to hold his balance on the wall for a second.

He tried to quickly clean himself and get it over with, but he was slowly falling apart and all he wanted to do was die and end it all.

He couldn't think no more about the order in which you put shampoo on and then conditioner, and to carefully avoid soap getting into the cuts.

Hyunjin saw black dots in his vision and sunk down to the shower floor, the water hitting his bare back.

He cried silently.
Agony portraying itself in the form of his bleeding gashes on his thighs, and the storming quiet tears mixed with the water falling from above.

I'm so sick of this. Don't wanna live. Don't wanna try. Don't wanna do anything. Please no more. His thoughts spiraled and he cried helplessly, as quiet as he could. He was stuck in his mindset and stuck on the shower floor.

"Hyunjinnn I want to take a shower please hurry up." Minhos impatient voice was heard from the other side of the door.

Hyunjins body reacted immediately, and he got up and rinsed the soap and blood.

He turned off the shower and got dressed.  His thoughts muted themselves as if they never existed and as if he were just like every other member in the group, who thinks probably normal thoughts. Whatever those are. He unlocked the door with a click and rushed out.

Skipping supper, he headed straight for bed. Pathetic. There's no time for mental breakdowns, you need to be responsible and mature. The members aren't your babysitters. Hyunjin criticized himself before falling asleep.

He accepted the weight and heavyness of exhaustion and depression, and soon he fell asleep, ending another regular day in his life.