Stray kids angst oneshots

deppresive episode

(a.n disclaimer a lot of these thoughts or statements here aren't necessarily truth only what chans slightly mentally ill mind is thinking.)

Bangchan was living life regularly just like always. Practicing for comebacks, making music, watching over his seven children aka skz.

He was feeling so normal and so good, that when his last supply of antidepressants ran out, he decided that he didn't really need to rush to the pharmacy to buy some more.

The reason chan started the antidepressants in the first place was because two years ago he felt really really down, and lost interest in doing anything.

But that was ages ago, and he doesn't always take anti depressants (he forgets to sometimes and everything turns out fine.) And even when he took it, he slowly got prescribed a lower amount.

He stated at the empty anti depressants bottle in the drawer. It's been so long since he felt like he needed them. They became so meaningless in his life.

Maybe this is the time to be getting "stronger" and not require chemicals to feel motivated. He thought, fiddling with the cap.

And so, he threw the empty bottle into the trash in his room and went to the kitchen to go get an apple.

Three weeks has past since that shifted mindset, and the members were starting to notice that bangchan was acting less like himself.

Changbin noticed it first when he came home at 17:00 from being out in the city all day.

"I'm homeeee." He shouted in the apartment that skz rented and shared.

Hyunjin, Felix and jeongin greeted him and changbin headed to his shared bedroom with chan.

He came in the room and what he didn't expect was bangchan lying in his mattress, eyes half open half closed, staring into the wall.

"Hey chan. Why are you sleeping now?" Changbin asked, concerned to see the productive leader asleep at this hour.

Chan only shrugged and turned his head the other way. Changbin came up to him and felt his forehead.

"Hmm you don't have a fever. Are you feeling ok?" Changbin was sitting next to chans legs on the bed at this point and was staring at chan intensely.

"I'm fine. Can you just leave me alone?!" Chan snapped at him, and picked up his blanket over his head as if anouncing that this conversation was over.

Changbin quickly got up and left the room, muttering a small sorry. He found it strange that chan was so irrated with him.

"Hey guys do u know what's up with chan?" Changbin came to the kitchen and leaned on the counter.

"Dunno. He's been in bed all day. " Felix slurped on some soup loudly.
"We assumed he's probably just sick."

Meanwhile chan was staring into the wall again, thinking blankly.
He felt really bad. And then he felt bad that he felt bad. I feel like I just relapsed into a really bad headspace and I don't know how to get out of this. He thought.

What was the point of anything really. Was any of his effort even meaningful? Was anything worth it? Is staying alive worth it?

It's been two years since these thoughts were swirling around in chans mind, and the fact that he recognized them so quickly and let them in so fast the second he felt it just made chan feel more pathetic and broken.

He didn't notice time going by so fast, since he was dissociating in and out every five minutes. 

He watched the window and noticed how it got darker and darker and darker outside. I didn't do anything today. I was in bed all day. I wasted a day. I'm like a lump. He started crying softly, feeling upset with himself.