Stray kids angst oneshots

missing the hospital

Changbin was released from the mental hospital four weeks ago.
He stayed there for 4 months due to suicidality and self harm.

But now he was free. Now he was out in the big world, back in school, therapy, and social events.

You would think someone like that would be happy to be finally out, after months of isolation and restriction.

But no, changbin realized he wasn't in fact better, and that he has a strong desire to end up back in there.

The way memories and flashbacks would pop up in his mind after seeing the smallest references, would feel like a blazing ciggerate being burnt on his skin. (Not that he would know how that feels ofc.)

He couldn't even begin to describe the way he missed the staff and his friends there.

But he tried to describe it, to his new therapist.

"Why do you miss it so much?" The therapist asked.

"I think I miss being able to break down whenever I needed to. I could act however I wanted, crazy as it was.
And now that I'm out, I need to behave.
And it's fucking hard."

"Mmm. Yes. That sounds hard." The useless therapist said.

Changbin nodded.
Silence fell upon the room.

I miss my old therapist that I had there. This therapist isnt smart like my other one. Thought changbin.

So he decided not to even try to get help from this therapist. And he stayed silent.

"Changbin? Where are you? Can u come back to me?" The therapist was trying to understand changbins silence.

But then the bubble burst.
"I can't talk to you. You don't summarize like my old therapist, you don't laugh like him, you don't even look like him!
And my old therapist told me not to build a criteria for other therapists , because I didn't make one for him I only built one off him, so I can do the same for different therapists, but I don't want you!! I want his help!! You aren't anything like him!! I need my old therapist." Changbin cried.

"Yes... That sounds difficult." The therapist sounded like a tape machine, going over the same words.

"Fuck this, I'm out." And changbin got up and left.

He thought to himself that if he were in the hospital right now, they would give him an SOS (a.n. an emergency pill to calm one down.), and then maybe go to the cushioned room.

But here in this harsh world, there's no recognition of his pain like there was inside.

I wanna die. I hate this. Changbin thought.

While walking to his bus home, he saw someone who resembled a doctor from the hospital he was in.

It stung. Knowing it wasn't him, but wishing it was him.

He kept seeing their faces everywhere.

                            (⁠｡⁠♡⁠‿⁠♡⁠｡⁠)

Changbin never missed a night without having a dream about being there.

This time, he was running away from his mother, and was banging on the door of the mental hospital.

"Please let me in!" He begged. "I can't stay out here, my mother's coming, please take me."

Somehow they let him in (forget the legal stuff, it's a dream.)

But to his horror, every single person there that he knew and wanted to see again, were dead on the floor.

I am never going to see them again. There's no way I'll ever have a conversation with them ever again. He numbly thought.

And then changbin woke up, with quiet tears rolling down his face.

It was 3 am. If I kill myself now, no one would know untill it's too late. He thought.

And if I was at the hospital, I would have someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone out here, especially at these hours.

So he got out of bed, and stared at a bottle of pills.

"Changbin? What are you doing?" Felix, who lives with him, apperantly was up too.

"N...nothing."

"Come changbin lets sit and talk. I can see somethings on your mind." Felix said.

What a genius. Cynical thoughts were running up changbins mind.
He wasn't really upset at Felix he was upset at the world.

"The transition to the outside world must be hard for you." Felix stated, pulling down changbin on the couch with him.

"Felix, I'm not any different. I'm still depressed, and I still want to die.
The only difference is that now I have more responsiblity. So yeah, it's fucking hard." Changbin broke down.

Felix stroked changbins hair softly as changbins head rested on his lap.

"The dreams are chasing me and it's been 4 months, I don't think I'm ever going to get used to this place.
Felix I want to go back. Please, please help me get back."

"Changbin, you might feel like that now, but you worked so hard to control urself in order to get out. It would be a shame to throw 4 of hard work away."

"Yeah and you know what? I regret it.
I regret every second that I could have cried my soul out in there, every time I had the chance to hurt myself there and every time I acted insane and I didn't.
Because over there I could at least do those things and let it out and get the right reactions for it. But here, I have to be good. I can't break down in front of my parents. I am stuck with the same illness in a place where I have to suck it up. And I can't anymore."

Changbin wished he wasn't talking to Felix, he wished he was talking to the staff there. He wished he was there.

He so badly wanted to be there.
So what if they tie me up, so what if they give me pills, here they do fucking nothing. Here they let me be deppresed.

Changbin got up, left Felix and went back to bed.

He ended up forcing himself to stay awake until the morning, so that he wouldn't have any more painful dreams.

I will not last another year. Unless something changes, I'm giving up.

(A.n. sorry bout the open ending, it's just that I don't know the ending. Haven't seen it yet. Y'all can imagine a happy or bad ending, and I'll just wait for it.)