Four - A Soulmate Story

Learning and Overcoming Fears

Like every other day, I woke up next to the man I loved, but I didn't know I loved him. His shirt off and just in his boxer shorts me just in my underwear as well. He had a funny wine red and grape purple mark on his neck, which was exactly where I had kissed him the night before. Almost instantly, I panicked thinking I had hurt him and I jolted out of the bedsheets. I intensely looked at my scandalous body in his full body bedroom mirror and realised I also had acquired such a thing on my neck too, which was decently bigger than his.

"It's called a hickey love. It happens when someone sucks on your neck for a bit." Suddenly, I felt my entire head turn to face towards him as he also got himself up to come meet me in the mirror. He held me lightly by my shoulders as I bent my head backwards and he kissed me lightly. "Adorable." I caressed his chest, leaning into his muscular frame, admiring everything I could touch on his body. I strived for physical touch, it was my love language let's say, I'm just glad Skyve never seemed to complain.

Everyday felt like a new adventure with him. Apart from when we were in school. I felt like it was always, and I mean always, the same old thing. Me getting menacing glares off of girls I've never even held a conversation with, Skyve getting flirted with, and me getting hit on and having absolutely no understanding of what the man in front of me was going on repeatedly about. I'd get presents off of my not so secret admirers sometimes but I tended to just take a brisk look and get rid of them as most of them I would never use, or had a sexual joke or meaning I didn't recognise at the time.

And we were here once again. The breakfast table. My worst enemy. I crawled onto his legs and sprawled myself out like an antique tarp as he inaudibly chewed on his appetising looking food. I grabbed a piece of bacon he had cut off and shoved it into my mouth, forcing myself to completely block out all of my intrusive thoughts. He stared at me, bewildered by what I had done without any of his guidance. My head got pulled towards him and he smooched the side of it softly. He didn't want to express his outward excitement towards me conquering one of my fears as he knew it would put me off in the future.

To distract myself, so I could shove more food into my gullet, I thought about the night before, it helped immensely. I ate another slather of a chopped off bacon bit and shared a scrambled egg on toast together with Skyve as he ripped off a shred for me, remembering that I loved the obnoxious flavours of egg, precisely scrambled. Through his radiation of positivity, I could just sense how proud and thrilled he was for me. This majorly increased my confidence on that day, especially towards a plate.

This milestone may not seem like much to anyone who hasn't suffered through what I have. At the time, my brain would completely overload and shut down at the thought of even eating more than one meal a day, and it was practically impossible for me to devour a full meal without breaking down and vomiting up everything I had already eaten due the amount of pure stress I had in that moment. Everything I managed to fight through to digest in a single day, was a massive achievement for me.

Some days are better than others. Some days I wish I could die on the spot. Some days I think about how much God hates me. But some days, I persevere through the pain I endure and give my absolute all into obscuring every single one of my rushing negative, self isolating thoughts and ideas about my current actions. Those days are the ones that I thrive in. Not everyday is a good day, there was rarely ever a great or amazing day. But that's okay. Because I put in the effort to try and make a permanent change to my unhealthy, judging lifestyle. In the back of my mind, I knew I could recover from everything. I would finally be at ease.

Life would be better.
And I would have him.
          Finally.

Today. All day I thought about how it was going to be today. I didn't manage to eat any lunch, but that didn't matter, I had already eaten my fill for the day. I spent the majority of the day clinging onto the love of my teenage life. My heart beat faster around him, my under eye and cheeks raised, blossoming into a salmon pink. A subtle grin plastered on my face from the joy that I felt shining from me every time I held his hand or was even just near to him.