REDAMANCY [h.s. au]

08

"It is unbearably painful for the
soul to love silently."
- Anna Akhmatova

⭑Harry⭑

Reluctantly, I loop my arms through the black puffy North Face jacket and secure a baseball cap over my messy morning hair.

Not a stitch of caffeine pumping through my system yet, just a slight headache from the the two glasses of red wine I drank last night and the energy of an excited three year old keeping my head from slamming back against the comfort of my bed.

I was hoping Ivy would sleep in so I could lay around a little bit longer, but she had other plans. And, of course, I oblige. A few of her friends from school are going to Fiona's Pages this Saturday morning for a story time that apparently happens every other weekend.

This of course means seeing Holland.

And I don't know how to feel about that.

Not really having a choice in the matter or time to overthink it, Ivy tugs my arm, trying to drag my with her toward the front door.

"Come on, Dad," she says dramatically, almost sounding like an exasperated teenager. For a split second, she went from three to thirteen. Scary as hell. Lightheartedly, I gasp at her, exclaiming, "You need to stop growing up so quickly, Ivy Theodora."

"Let's go, let's go." She beckons me with her small hand that's maneuvered it's way onto the doorknob that she expertly opens.

"Yes, ma'am." I salute to her.

The cold air jolts me awake as soon as we start down the street, working almost as well as a shot of espresso would right about now. Lively as ever, Ivy walks next to me, happy to be out of the house and headed toward the bookstore where some of her friends and Holland are.

Her soft features light up as her blonde head tilts up to find my face. "Is your friend going to be there, daddy?" She starts doing a hybrid between a skip and walk, full of excitement.

"Probably," I tell her with a nod.

"I hope she is! She's nice," Ivy exclaims.

If only she was as nice to me as she is to you.

Although, I do deserve the chilly reception from her. It's not unwarranted, that's for sure. I would love nothing more than to sit down and have a civil conversation with her, both of us participating and being open and vulnerable. I won't try to level the hurt I've felt with hers, but she deserves to know that she's been dancing in the back of my brain since the moment I walked away. She deserves a massive apology from me. It's something I need to do and I need her to listen to me.

"I hope she's there, too. I'd love to see her," I admit to Ivy who's now clutching my hand.

Even though my heart snaps in half with each cold gaze from Holland, I still want to see her. I don't think that will ever change.

"I like Holland! She helped me find my bunny book," Ivy exclaims with her arms enthusiastically outstretched.

"She did! That was really sweet of her to do, wasn't it?"

It feels weird, almost foreign, but I sense my lips curving upward as I talk freely about Holland. It's automatic, the way my body reacts at the mere mention of her. The way I didn't will my myself to smile, it just naturally occurred.

That's the effect she has on me, I guess.

"It was!" Ivy yells as she skips around the sidewalk.

We approach the bookstore a few minutes later, my stomach in knots and Ivy full of giddy excitement. I'm somewhere between wanting to hide my face and wanting so desperately for Holland to notice me and give me even the slightest acknowledgment.