REDAMANCY [h.s. au]

25

                               *sexual content

            "You are sunlight through a window,
                     which I stand in, warmed."
                              - Jessie Burton

                                   ⭑Holland⭑

"He's not my boyfriend, Zo!" I exclaim as I pack up my things that are littered around the computer and register area—tinted balm, a reusable water bottle, my notebook, the book I'm currently reading, the fancy fountain pen my mum got me when I started university, and a new children's book that I'm bringing over to Harry's specially for Ivy.

She aggressively rolls her eyes at me. "Right," she says with pointed sarcasm, "he just visits you here everyday and now you're leaving work early to go over to his house to hangout with him and his daughter. But he's not your boyfriend."

When she phrases it like that, it does sound very boyfriend-y.

"He's not," I repeat, emphasizing it.

"Not yet, at least" she snickers and I give her my famous bemused look of annoyance.

It's been a little over three weeks of Harry and I being together but not together. Title or no title, I've been enjoying our time together. Though, no one ever tells you about how strange it is to be getting to know someone you used to know like the back of your hand. There's parts of them that are just as there were, like a still-life portrait hung right in front of you. And other things that have changed so drastically. Trying to piece together this person that you know but don't also don't know anymore is weird. Not in a bad way, but just weird.

Gnawing on my lip and lost in thought, Zoey breaks me out of it with a question that's simple, but one that I've been too frightened to think about on my own. I've been avoiding it—not because I don't know the answer, but because I think I do know that answer and am scared of all that it implies.

"Do you want to be his girlfriend?"

Do I want to be his girlfriend? Well, yes.

Why am I so scared to admit that out loud? I like him. Probably more than like. It's been easy, almost too easy, falling back into whatever this is with Harry. He's giving me all the reassurance in the world and giving me the space I need to sort through my feelings all while showing me his unwavering affection. But really, my feelings are rather straightforward.

"Maybe. Sort of. I think so..." I reply with a nonchalant shrug to throw her off of my scent that I my feelings are running deep. Although, now that I think of it, those feelings have been roots inside me for years. They just needed less neglect, more nourishing, to flourish.

"You're going to have to try harder than that to convince me you aren't falling for this man."

"Alright, well this chat has been lovely, but I've got somewhere to be," I chime happily, walking toward the door already so Zoey doesn't have any time to ask me any more questions.

"Bye! Have fun with your not-boyfriend-boyfriend!" She yells after me. "Be safe!" She adds with a touch of suggestiveness to her tone. All I do is send her a thumbs up over my head and walk out the door.