REDAMANCY [h.s. au]

23

"I'm sure there are aspects of my personality
buried within me that will surface as soon as
I know I am completely loved."
- Jerzy Kosinski

⭑Holland⭑

A week.

It's been a week since Harry and I...I'm not sure what to call it. Since we, or rather I, made a metaphorical step towards us being together again.

I wouldn't say we're together-that's a frightening thought. Not because I don't like the idea of it, but because of what that implies, all the heartbreak and devastation that lives on the other side of the mountain that is a relationship. But I also wouldn't say we're not not together, either.

It's a strange, but sort of sublime, lovely purgatory that were in. Like we're on an elevator that's on its way to the top floor, we're just not there yet. In the in-between.

To say I'm not completely and totally scared would be a lie. Because I am totally out-of-my-mind scared, skittish, hesitant. To go back to the thing-the person-who hurt you so irreparably is kind of insane. I really do believe him, though. I believe he's regretted that since it happened and things got really murky, for both of us, and in our own weird ways, we tried to fix the bullet holes with flimsy tissues and bandaids that we now realize could never be sufficient for the wounds sustained. I believe he's really sorry because, well, he's apologized about a hundred times. And I can see the sincerity in his demeanor. I can see how it hurt him seeing me hurt. And that's got to count for something, right?

He's been so good to me. So understanding and not putting too much pressure on us. Just letting it be what it is for now. Which I know is tough, after all the things he's said to me-basically professing his love. But he's in it for the long game and this is just how it's going. I don't think he minds the journey, as long as it's me in the end.

Besides being scared shitless about everything going on between us, it also feels oddly satisfying. Like bones mending and coming together after being broken. Two particles of the same star finding each other in the ether after years of drifting apart.

It's nice.

I've seen him almost every day since that night when he stayed over-the first and only boy who I've let sleep over. After he's done for the day teaching, he walks to the store and visits me. They're always brief, because he has to then go pick up Ivy from her school. But it's kind of cute. He comes in, follows me around like a little puppy. Flips through books, leans against shelves, and watches me. Eyes me from the corner with his signature smirk as he watches me interact with customers. And he always buys a book. Says he loves supporting my business, even though I doubt he'll read any of the books. He'll add them to his shelves and they'll sit there like accessories. I appreciate it, though, his commitment to making me happy.

So I'm not at all surprised when, out of the corner of my eye, in he walks. It should be illegal to look how he does-so painfully handsome. I figure that's also part of the reason why I've folded for him, too. How could you not? Those green eyes and that hair and those tattoos and the way he carries himself and the way he's so sure of what he wants and the way he's the best dad to Ivy and the way he looks at me. Its unreal.

His eyes find me, like they always do. The way I'm the first thing in the room that he looks for. And they always go soft.

"There she is," he says, strutting toward where I am, shelving new releases accordingly. Throws his arms around me, lifting me off the ground a bit. Even though he's just come from outside, a cold springy day, he feels warm against me.

We stare at each other when he puts me down. I can tell he wants to kiss me, but he doesn't. We haven't kissed again since he left my flat that one morning. He's being respectful, I know. Not pushing me, which I appreciate more than he knows because to be quite honest, even though I do want to press my lips to his again, I'm not ready for that public display of affection. Something about kissing in public, tender and gentle like I know he would, has a finality to it. Like if we did that, that would be the gold stamp sealing us into an envelope labeled "proper relationship".