REDAMANCY [h.s. au]

35

*sexual content

"I have a feeling that I am at home when
I'm with her. This is a deep and intense feeling
that I find it difficult to express more than that."
- Vincent Van Gogh

⭑Harry⭑

I've been on edge for the past two days.

Ever since Holland and I had that talk that ended with both of us more confused than we were going into it, I've had an unsettled pit that won't leave my stomach.

We've barely talked or texted, which is odd for us. There's a wedge between us that I don't know how to make disappear. I'll always be connected to Melissa, unfortunately. I can't change that. However much I sometimes wish she could be out of the picture, I know it's important for Ivy to have her mum around, even if it's only occasionally. She's a factor that I'll always be tied to through our daughter.

I wouldn't, and couldn't, be mad at Holland if she unfortunately decided that this was all too much for her. I'm no stranger to women telling me that a child and an ex wife is too much for them to walk on into. It's completely understandable. It's sucks, but I understand.

Holland never minded any of it. She took on Ivy with such ease. The two of them are close as can be—sometimes I fear my daughter loves her more than she loves me now. And the ex-wife part has been easy to navigate around as she is usually at home in Paris, except when work brings her over to London on occasion—until now.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can make it to Melissa that Holland is a permanent part of my life—that she isn't just some passing thing. That she will, although I don't know about anymore, be my wife one day. And if we're really lucky, the mother to Ivy's future sibling. And that she can't bully her or I, or use her daughter as leverage for manipulation.

I can't sit here any longer, biting at my nails and tapping my leg with anxiousness. I have to go talk to Holland.

I can't lose the love of my life.

Ivy is out with Melissa right now, actually. She decided they needed a spa day, which I think is really just code for Melissa going and getting pampered and bringing Ivy along to look like mum of the year. They'll probably be back in an hour, so I strut out the door, with no real plan of action.

I just need to see her.

The August air is heavy, much like my head and my heart. Appropriate weather for the weight that's been sitting there, cleaving inside my chest and my stomach. Seeing her hurt hurts me. It's an intolerable sort of pain—something that I promised myself I wouldn't put her through again and yet, here I am.

The streets bend and turn, my feet taking me towards the store where I know she's working at today until I'm planted right in front of it.

With a deep breath, I push the old door open, and there she is. She's helping someone at the front counter, her mouth moving but I can't make out what she's saying. A slight smile, one that doesn't reach her eyes, lifts her face up. She looks like she's performing, nothing genuine about her movements.

I wait for her to be done helping the older gentleman before making my presence known. I slap on a smile and stride on over, hands in my pockets, trying to hide the pain with feigned confidence. "Hey," I chirp at her which lifts her head from the computer that had her attention.