Schizophrenic Steve || ʙʟᴜᴇꜱ ᴄʟᴜᴇꜱ

Why Don't You Hate Me?

After the fight, Josh and Steve agreed to just take Joe to their dorm. The two of them brought Steves unconscious little brother to the dorm and laid him on a plain mattress. He didn't get as bruised up as Steve, so they assumed he'll be fine.

Steve couldn't help but feel misery. Him and his brother were so close. It was almost perfect. Until, that happened. Joe is the nicest person Steve knows. Now Steve fears of loosing Joe, and how he's like under the influence. Especially while he's underaged.

Things may be difficult now. Steve wondered if Joe would even remember any of it since he was intoxicated.

An hour later, Joe woke up. Steve checked in on him. Joe groaned and got up, "Fuck, this headache's rough."

Steves eyes shot right at Joe when he heard him. Steve went to get a glass of water for Joe. Joe looked around his surroundings, a bit confused. He was still recollecting his thoughts. He remembered the fight but he didn't remember what knocked him out.

He drank some water. He look at Steve, again with his doe-like, non-threatening eyes. Like their bond was just as pure as it was a few days ago. Like violence couldn't possibly come across them. "Steve? What happened?"

Steve paused, "You don't remember beating the shit out of me?"

...

"Oh. I remember that," Violent images of the fight disturbed Joes mind. He wanted to erase all memory of it. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. Um, can you tell me why I woke up here?"

Steve contemplated whether he should tell Joe or not. "I'm not sure if now is the best time." Silence pondered until Joe broke the silence. "I know you probably hate me now. But I should know." Joe stated bluntly. Steve turned to Joe, he didn't exactly expect Joe to say that.

"Josh." Steve mumbled, barely audible. "Hm?" "Josh knocked you out." He said in a far more clear tone. It almost sounded like he was still mad at Joe. "I thought he ditched you," Joe said softly.

Steve sighed, "Well, I guess our situation caught his attention. Thanks for that." Joe couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

Josh's presences usually calmed Steve. So, when he left for a bit, Steve got anxious. He definitely had things to fear. What if his medicine didn't work? What if he breaks out into some impulsive or schizophrenic episode?What if Josh secretly dislikes him?

There was so many people there too. He didn't know why he felt so nervous, like he depended on his friend. Maybe it was the feeling of deprived protection. Something he didn't have much of in his childhood. It frankly made him paranoid. Plus, Steve was the protector, since he's the oldest he decided it was made his role. He made sure he protected his little brother no matter what, even if it got him in trouble. Joe was always grateful for that.

And when Josh knocked out Joe because he was beating Steve bloody, it made him feel a certain way. Like, in that moment, Josh guaranteed that well-being feeling for Steve.

Steve realized he wasn't strong enough to even protect himself.

Joe himself was appalled at his own actions. He's never been a violent person. He loves his older brother. Especially when he knows Steve is struggling well enough. The bloody memories were kinda a blur, but Joe remembered it vividly. It felt like his mind's lost.

He didn't even feel like he deserved to be this close talking to Steve, let alone have him in his sight after what he did.

"Steve, I wanna get this post-fight thing over with. I was definitely drunk, and I'm so, so sorry. It was a decision I made. I can't remember much of what I said but I could tell it was rough. You don't have to forgive me. No— you know what? Don't forgive me at all. It'd be better that way. You probably don't even want me in your life anymore."

Steve stared at Joe in a daze. "What do you mean?"

Joe stayed silent. Steve sighed,  "You can't just get away from me when things get a bit violent—"

Joe cut Steve off, "A bit violent? Did you not see what I did to you? Or what happened to me? We never fought like this. Ever! It's like I'm a different person with alcohol."

"I don't give a damn! You aren't leaving my life." Tears started to form in his Steves eyes. He walked over to the same mattress Joe was sitting on and sat next to him. Which confused Joe why he'd even feel comfortable being around him. But he felt the pain in Steves voice.

"Were you upset because Josh left? Or was it what I said?" Joe tried to understand him. "Why can't it be both? There's multiple factors. Not to mention the fact that I'm insane. I'm literally loosing my mind! I obviously struggle with emotions. Remember when I said I didn't wanna loose you? I meant that. Out of all people, you should know I seriously meant it, Joseph."

Joe's expression filled with empathy and remorse. Seeing his older brother cry was a painful sight. He looked down at Steves neck, there were scratch scars. Joe's eyes also filled with tears.

"Steve, I don't wanna loose you either. I was worried you were gonna hate me forever after that." Joe's voice got a bit quiet and shameful, it made Steve's hear ache.

"I don't think me hating you is even possible." Steve smiled bittersweetly while a tear rolled down his cheek.

"Why?" Joe mumbled.

"Because you're the most important person in my life."