A real story... My story.

Grade 9

Grade 9 it feels so refreshing a I think about this year and then I get a head ache.

This year the first semester was ok but people were changing to much and it wa hard to keep track. But this year I had to sit beside jazz in English my last class. We said hi and then we didn't talk until she started talking about our shoes we were both wearing converse. And that's how a great friendship starts. All because of shoes. From then on during the year I learnt that she and my brother were friends to and that they always hung out. I thought it was cool at first. Ill come back to this point.

Emma was a big problem in this grade she became the person she said she'd never become. She was bossy, rude , bitchy. I remember many times when I told them to wait for me because I either had to call home for something, or get something from my locker. When I came back they wee gone. All the time this had happened. They ha usually gone to a store down the road. Well that usually left me to ponder at my locker... Alone.

When they got back I would ask them why they left and they have me bullshit excuses like "we thought you were right behind us" or "we'll I was really hungry". It was always the same. And as this happened I became to block people out starting with my dad.

He would yell at me like crazy. I would do everything wrong, he even told me he doesn't give a shit about mei that he doesn't need me at least 10 times, at least. That tares you apart when your not cared about.

At this point I was getting fed up with my friends, my dad and my mom. She never really helped me she always blamed everything that happened on me. It's not my fucking fault people are bitches.

I started to get really god friends with jazz and it was awesome because she never judged me she understood what I felt like. Until she started dating my brother.

The second semester came around and I wasn't in her English class any more. The snow had disappeared and I was now helping with the play after school with jazz, my brother, and a couple of other friends.

When we were there on the stage me and jazz would call it marina when the lights were off because it was so dark. It was fun until we would hide behind the curtains and my brother would come in and the would start making out right beside me. It hurt that I was getting left behind so much.

My other friends well Emma like a guy, I'm not sure if I told you about this but I'm gonna say it again if I did. She wouldn't let us talk because she thought that what ever came out was stupid obviously. And when she started to say that I was the one complaining I wanted to pound her face in. But I was still the calm cool one. But when Kira had told me that Emma told her to shut up because she was gonna be embarrassed I blew up I couldn't take it any more.

I told Emma to go fuck herself and me, Kira and teagan left to be real friends. But I guess that wasn't true was it.

Emma had been my friend for 9 years it took 9 years for me to get a voice. At that point I became dark because I know she was a bitch but she was still a friend and it hurt like a son of a bitch. So when I cried for 5 hours I needed so etching to stop me from feeling this pain. So I resorted to music. A guy on Facebook named Gavin hammerberg taught me about my chemical romance and they were everything to me. Of corse my mom hatted my change because she wanted her little frilly girl back. But the truth is I was never her frilly girl I had always hated wearing that stuff, but I did it to make her happy, I did it to please her.

After the Emma dilemma was over I was ok but I wore all black and had a glum mood.

Teagan and Kira had been friends forever. And I was the third wheel 

Now. They would say that we all would hang out but then they would hang out, and only them. All the time. It got frustrating. And just like with every other time, I thought in time it would get fixed. But that's not true. It's never true, it kept happening and I tried to forget it. But when they did it one last time and I learnt that they had hung out when I invited them over. They gave me a bullshit excuse like " I forgot your phone number" or " I called but no one picked up" that was never true because I was always home in my room waiting for them to call. When they didn't those were the nights I cried myself to sleep.

The day that really broke me was when we went to the small store on the corner and teagan gave me an excuse and I scream right in her face "bullshit!" And walked back to the school with my black shorts on my beaten up black converse and my huge black hoodie on with the hood up. I had officially lost all my friends. I think I skipped the rest of the day that day.

When I went home I had told no one because no one was around, Jamie had football, mom was at work and so was dad. That night I cried until the door opened so I web to the bathroom cleaned up and left into the forest. I listened to my music but the pain was still unbearable. I had lost everyone.

I shut everyone out of my life but hung out with my brother and jazz.

It was ok that my brother and my best friend were dating but then they ignored me. All the time every day. Which hurt me making me barricade myself in my room every night after school and blast my chemical romance. I felt so numb as I listened to them but it was no comparison to what I did next.

I took a pair of scissors and slid the sharp blade across my wrist leaving small incisions on my wrist. It was amassing how numb and happy it made me feel. It was better then music had ever been.

At this point I had changed my hair blood red and was wearing all black with nice black eyeliner on. My mom hated it but it felt good when she said that it fuelled something inside me.

After the school year had finished I never really talked to any one and I was happy about that. Until my mom took away my iPod because she didn't like facebook. So I was left with no music supply.

That day at my nannies I locked myself in the bathroom and cried practically rocking back and forth. I couldn't take all this it was too much to bare just on me but there was no one else to help me with the load I was carrying.

The summer we went to pei and I had a shoe lace put around my wrist to hide the cuts. I had a good time but there were still moments when I hated everything around me. I had became a shell of what I used to be, I was cold inside and I never cried anymore. I was to strong at this point. I had been set on fire and died burning into ashes and not yet had been reborn.

Remember that journal I had told you about. Well when we got back home I had written everything in it. When I was out one day my mom read it finding out about my cutting.

I was so fed up that I instantly went into my forest and burnt it into ash.

My world was crumbling and I had no idea what to do about to stop it

As the end of summer came my mom. Had tried making me feel better about going back to that hell hole but I couldn't see how it could be better, I had no friends and I was a lone a lot.

Well I was right