A real story... My story.

current situation

being here isn't good anymore, I need to leave but I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong here, I don't belong at home, I don't belong at my nannies. Where do I belong? Justin doesn't understand, my parents don't understand, no one understands. And people come to me seeking help when my life is just falling apart around me. I want to leave, I need to leave and it's come to the point where everyday is a struggle. Justin wants me to work but I can't. I fall apart everyday and he doesn't know, he doesn't know how inside everything is broken and no matter how much love, attention or anything will heal them and put them back together. Now I fully understand why people kill themselves. They don't belong anywhere, no one sees the pain from inside. I haven't actually laughed in so long and everyday I cry but no one sees it and no one will because whats the point? No one is gonna help what rally is going on. No one gets past what the outside says but the inside is different. It's bl;ack and cold and torn, shaking scared of everyday to go on. Scared to get up and face the world scared to be with anyone scared to be around everyone scared to be alone scared to go on.

Yeah that's when life was simple. It's March 27th I think of 2017 and shit hit the fan it really did. Justin broke up with me because he thought I was cheating, I never did. I thought he was cheating because he would spend a lot of his time with this girl from work and he would text her all day and only text me 3 times in a whole day. He would come home from work late and say he was at his parents or that he stayed after work longer which he never used to do before he met her. Then he invited her over to our apartment while I was at school one day. I thought he was cheating on me. Any girl would. So one day he wanted a break of the relationship. I moved back to my nannies for a week and started talking to a guy that actually cared about how I was feeling. I was gonna take another week off the relationship so I could figure things out and be happy just for a little while longer. But then Justin found out that I was talking to his guy by searching through my phone while I was in the shower. Did I tell you that he would never left me touch his phone either? If I ever did he would rip it out of my hands before I could even open it Andy he changed his password on his phone. So after finding out I was talking to someone Justin threw my phone across the apartment. I got out of the shower and got ready for be. Justin got dressed and said he was leaving. I cried my heart out and begged for him to stay I tried touching his face all he did was grab my arms so hard I thought he was going to snap them. He left that night and went to his friends house. I stayed in the empty apartment cleaning out all my things and putting them in boxes. He came back that night and demanded to me that I go to sleep so I stop crying and stop hurting myself by cleaning out the apartment. He put my to bed and he said he would be back in 15 minutes..... he never came. So I woke up after along night of crying  and he still wasn't there. He had gone to work for the day... he didn't come back for three days. Those three days were so tough being alone in a huge empty apartment. 

He finally came back after I begged him to and we spent the last three nights in the apartment that I was living there. It was great but I cried more then I ever have. I lost 20 pounds just from crying. And I started having heart problems because of the emotional stress I was in. So I moved back to my nannies my parents didn't give any sympathy or anything and I had no one to talk to.  So I started talking to the guy again and he helped me through everything. While Justin was treating me like a sex object and complete garbage. I started falling for Dante the guy that I hdtslked to during the week break. I fell in love with him and everything was great my life seemed worth living with him. Then Justin started to comeback into my life saying that he wanted me.

This was after three months of us both being together and I was happy with Dante I really was finally happy. Then he came back and I was so confuse  don who I should go with because I loved Justin and I wanted to be with him again but he hurt me so dam badly that I didn't know if I should. I called I him once and I was about to kill myself and all he did was hung up. That could have been the last time he would have spoke to me. And he pretty much said he didn't care. 

So then I sta rated hurting both if the white trying to save them. They both stayed cutting because of me Dante has already tried to kill him self twice while I was there and probably more while I wasn't. I really fucked everything up this time. I really truly did. And I don't know what to do. Because I chose to be with Dante then I wasn't good enough then I was with Justin but I wasn't happy and I had to completely leave Dante behind which I didn't want to do. Now I am with Dante and Justin just wants to be my friend but Dante doesn't want me to. 

Last night was completely terrible Justin dropped my off because I was with him to go to my friends baby shower and Dante didn't like that all day so he got mad at me. So I went to go talk to Dante and Justin waited for 3 hours for me to come out so he could drive me home. But I didn't want Togo home because Dante cut almost right infront of me so I had to help him I really did have to and I didn't want to leave because I was afraid of what was gonna happen. So everything was all messed up because of me so I went outside for a walk int he cold with only a tank top on to cool down. Dante cameoutside to ask what I was doing and I said just going for a walk. He turned around and said he was gonna kill himself. I ran after him and grabbed the knife by the blade that he had in his hands and took it from him not being afraid to get cut. I was afraid that I was gonna get stabbed by accident but it didn't matter as long as he was away from the blade. So I tried to calm him down but Justin was just making him mad so I texted Justin toelave after a while Justin left and was mad at me and I thought I lost him again. So I cried really hard infront of Dante because I thought I had saved Dante again but I lost Justin. I sucked it up to help Dante thenDante said he was gonna killhimself anyways so I was stuck by lossand fear and loneliness that I juts couldn't take it. I cried so hard saying that he was gonna leave me alone. 

The knife I held in my hands I didn't let go I kept it with me  lose to my chest because I knew it was the one thing that wouldn't leave me right there. The Dante came down and said sorry to me that he wasn't going to leave. That I showed him a reason to live and I just cried soft king hard infront of him. I didn't want to be alone but I was. I told him to leave the room after I faked calmed down. He left and the took the knife with him but he had no idea I have atleast 7 blades in my jacket and I just went to town on my ankle. He got back and it was bleeding pretty damn bad but I didn't want him to have the pain to clean up my blood like I've done to him and Justin so many times. 

Anyways next morning and I'm still bleeding. Justin hates me now probably and I'm so depressed that I don't feel like moving.

That's my life for now oh and school that's a joke. I got kicked out of my painting class and I hate my program that's where my life is at right now. If you are reading this just know that if you need to talk I am here for you. I really am just shoot me a message on here and I'll be there for you. You don't have to go through problems alone like I am I am here for everyone no matter how big or small the situation is. I am here.