into the forest i go | a collection of poetry

☆Tell Me, To My Face, What Makes Me Enough☆

(TW: Bullying)

I dreaded coming to school because of you
Got so used to having my eyes glued to the floor
Pushing my hair over my face, like it would drown out the noise
Hoping it would fill a void, because I felt alone in every hall and every room

My own sanctuary became a black hole I came home to
The walls of my room, a sea of dark, in which I could swim
Drowning out my own self hatred is another thing I failed in

You say to my face that I have something wrong with a part of my body
Well, rip it off, why don't you?
Tell me what I can do to fix me for YOU
Give me the guidebook, so I can see what was left unscrewed
I'm sorry I've never known my father and I watched my mother get abused
I'm sorry that what you don't know, is the very thing that makes me not hate you

You made them all laugh and whisper
Words lingering over my shoulder
A rock always sitting just beneath my chin, heavy in my throat
My face red and hot, like my bruised and battered soul

How many more times will I have to be afraid to laugh or smile?
Remembering when you said that I would never be on the outside of any joke
How many more times will I be afraid to open up?
I'm left with a cage around my heart with a padlock
Because my child one couldn't take all of the breaking

I'm sorry I couldn't take that joke
I'm sorry that I'm just not tough enough
I'm sorry that words don't go through me when they remind me of my pain
I'm sorry that words tend to hit me in places that stay

You didn't give me a chance to make a home out of my body
You didn't give me the chance to be a child in discovery
All I've ever known, because of you, is existing in hiding

I'll forever mourn the girl I could've been
Maybe a little stronger?
Maybe a little less blue?
Maybe I would be a girl that never knew
The darkness that we go through
Because of people like you

And I try to recognize the fact that you were a child
That maybe the hate was taught to you
Maybe it was a reflection or the only thing you knew...
But I was a child too

You are, now, a stranger
Someone I don't know
And you'll never know me or what you've done
I'll never know what could have made me enough