"You trust me?" (A miniforce ray angst fanfiction)

Chapter eight

CW: mentions of body dysmorphia, mentions of trauma, implied experimentation, a few derogatory terms, slight graphic description

(A month after the incident, in front of Miniforce HQ)

Ray's POV

It was the day Ray was supposed to meet with the higher-ups. They were supposed to decide whether or not he can join again. He was absolutely terrified. He did betray them, after all! So what will they say when they see him again, trying to come back after everything he's done? They'll scoff and deny him for sure. And this is only the best case scenario! "Relax, Ray." Father said, pulling him out of his train of thoughts. "I'm sure they'll understand. Just explain what happened from your point of view. I'll be waiting for you right outside the door, cheering you on! You got this!" Father cheered him up. He knew father knew this, but Ray still felt horribly guilty for putting his father under such immense pressure. He abandoned him, betrayed him, and even almost tried to... 'The point is, I don't deserve to be alive much less come back to the Miniforce.' But father insisted. So here they were. Standing in front of HQ. Trying to enlist him into the Miniforce again.

     He didn't have his armor on, and his true form was visible to everyone. It felt revolting, absolutely revolting. He wanted to puke. "Not comfortable without your armor?" Father asked. Ray shook his head. "It'll be over soon. Just hang on for a while, okay?" Ray nodded. 'The sooner I'm done with this, the sooner I can throw up.'

     After a few (many) minutes of contemplating (overthinking), Ray finally took a step inside. He half expected to be thrown out immediately, but as he took a few more steps inside, then another few, and nothing had happened, he relaxed ever so slightly. Ray continued to slowly walk towards the meeting room, glancing at father every now and then. Father would joke around here and there, trying to lighten the mood. It worked a little.

     By the time they had reached the door to the meeting room, Ray had relaxed enough to know nobody was watching his every move. At least, not that he could sense it anyway. 'There are still the cameras, though.' He glanced at father, who nodded. He took in a big, shaky inhale and stepped inside.

     "Welcome, Ray." General Choi greeted Ray first. The rest of the higher ups (Commander Chen included) greeted him. General Choi was sitting at the head of the table, and the rest of the higher ups sat on the right and left sides. Ray sat down on the other head of the table. "We are gathered here today to discuss your past actions and to determine whether or not you are worthy of reenlistment." General Choi began the meeting. "Let us start from the very beginning. You were in Miniforce HQ relaxing after a mission, when suddenly 'Volt' attacked you. He claimed that Dr. Tao ordered him to 'take you out', is that right?" "Correct, General sir." "And he scarred you, correct?" "Correct, General sir." 'So far so good.' Ray thought. "Tell me, why didn't you fight back, Ray?" 'Crap.' He silently took in a breath before answering. "I was tired, sir. I didn't have my guard up because I didn't think I'd need to. So when 'Volt'- no not Volt, Pascal - attacked me, I didn't have time to react. The moment Dr. Tao's name was mentioned, my mind went blank. I was mortified to think that someone as close as Dr. Tao would want me gone. So, I ran." Ray explained. 'That wasn't bad.' General Choi grabbed a pencil and didn't speak for a few moments, writing down Ray's answer and his body language. It was deathly quiet except for the sound of graphite scratching the smooth surface of paper. A few moments later, General Choi stopped writing, and without looking up began speaking again. "What did you do after you ran? You spent 20 days with no contact to anyone whatsoever, and then you temporarily allied with Pascal. But what happened in those 20 days?" What did he do in those 20 days? He wasn't quite sure himself. He could feel the anxiety slowly creeping up. He let it out through his leg, bouncing it rapidly in hope of some relief. "Umm, I'm not sure how to explain this. I felt wrong. I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I wasn't in my body, do you get it? It felt like I was watching myself from afar, completely detached from reality. Does that make sense?" Ray didn't truly understand it, but he tried his best to put into words nevertheless. "I have a question." Lieutenant Du said as she raised her hand. She was sitting a few seats away from General Choi on Ray's left. "Go ahead." General Choi said. "Could you have been dissociating?" Lieutenant Du suggested. "I'm not sure I follow." Ray said. "It is when you feel a disconnection between you and your personal thoughts, feelings, memories, and feel like you don't know who you are. This could be triggered by a number of things, such as stress, or because of a traumatic event. Does this explain what you felt more accurately?" Lieutenant Du said as she adjusted her glasses. "Yes, that sounds about right. I was dissociating." Ray confirmed. Lieutenant Du looked down at her notebook. "Why were you stressed, Ray?" Lieutenant Du asked. She glanced at him, then returned her gaze towards the notebook. "Because I was told the one and only person who treated me as a living being since day one wanted me dead." "No more questions." Lieutenant Du said.