out of the blue | george clarkey

35; have you ever faked an orgasm?

"okay, so i made the questions for you both but then you can ask each other ones if you want to afterwards. we've hooked both of you up so i can make sure you're both telling the truth". max says as me and george are both sat hooked up to the lie detector. i was nervous, i had no idea what he was going to ask us.

we did a few trial questions to calibrate the machine and then max jumped straight in, "are you genuinely sexually attracted to each other?" "for fuck sake" i laugh and george laughs as well. "this is so weird" he says. "well yeah, obviously" i say. "yeah" george says with nowhere near as much assertiveness as i did. "that didn't sound too confident" i joke. "you're both telling the truth" the machine operator says. "good, otherwise you would've been back on the sofa tonight" i say to george. "next question, have you ever faked an orgasm while having sex with the other person?" max says and i am scared to answer this question. "max why would you ask this?" i nervously laugh. "yeah, what the fuck" george says. he answers first, "no, no i haven't" he says through laughter. i nervously reply "no" and add not detail. "george was telling the truth, elena was lying" i bury my head in embarrassment. "oh my god" max says. "what, really?" george says, laughing but also sounding kind of upset. "only like twice" i say before burying my head again. "twice?!" he says in shock. "maybe" i say "but this was ages ago, i promise" i add trying to diffuse this. "how long ago is ages ago?" george asks, "i don't know, like ahhh stop doing this to me! we'll discuss it later" i joke and smirk. "i think we should move on" max laughs. "did you two really shag the first night you met?" he asks. "i still think you did, so i'm gonna get an official answer" he shrugs. "no, we didn't" we both say. "you are both telling the truth" the machine operator says. "we told you!" and max stares at us in shock. "i really thought you did! wow i'm in shock, well done" he says. we continue to do a few more questions that were a bit more light hearted and thankfully neither of us got in trouble for our answers.

"we're now gonna give you some dilemmas and see how you work on a trial shift" max explains. "can i hear the phone ringing?" i say holding my ear, pretending to hear a sound. max looks at me in shock. "i'm sorry, kick george out you have the job. no cue or anything and you knew exactly what to do" "i would hope so, she watches the podcast religiously" george says pointing at me and laughing. "i told you, biggest fan!" i say. i pick up the phone and put it on speaker, executing my role perfectly and max is still in shock. "hi max and george" the girl on the voice note starts "rude" i make a side comment at the lack of mention of my name and send max into hysterics. "i have a big dilemma. so one time my boyfriend and i decided to spice up our sex lives a little bit and he hand cuffed me to the bed. one thing to note about him is that he is diabetic. we had been doing our thing for a while you know and suddenly he said he felt faint, the next thing i know his skin is turning grey and he falls to the ground. i immediately panic, i can't undo the handcuffs so decide i have to shout his mum's name otherwise it could be quite serious for him. eventually his mum makes her way upstairs and sees me laying on the bed in horror with my legs spread causing a very big display before tending to her naked son that was passed out on the floor. after checking on him, she is rushing around the room trying to find the key to the hand cuffs to unlock me and it was the most awkward moment of my life and now i don't know if i can ever approach her again. help" the voice note ends.

( please tell me someone else remembers a similar story from the podcast because it has traumatised me and stuck with me)

we all sit in silence for a moment in shock. "what the actual fuck" is all i can muster. "that's insane" max says. "i don't think i could ever look your mum in the eye if that ever happened" i say to george. "i can assure you that will never happen" he says, laughing. "vanilla" max says jokingly, rolling his eyes at george. "do you guys not handcuff each other regularly?" he says sarcastically. "no! and definitely not in our parent's house" i laugh. "jesus christ, i don't even want to imagine being in a situation like that" george says. "okay, what advice do we have for this poor girl?" max says. "move countries, break up with him and make a new identity" i say. "but the vagina will be unforgettable" max says in a dramatic voice and me and george both gag. "nope" i say. "god i really don't even know how to joke about this because i'm horrified" george says. "maybe just act like nothing ever happened and hope the mum does the same. at least it wasn't the dad i suppose" i say. "i bet george wishes it was his dad walking in on him" max continues the running joke of george fancying his dad. "'max... no" george says, shaking his head. "i can't join in on the dad jokes because i actually have to see george's dad so you're on your own with that one, sorry max" i laugh.