Alina Kanaan

Chapter 29

WARNING: Mature themes are expressed in this chapter. Viewer discretion is advised.

"The patient will be given a reward without measure." (Quran 39:10) 

I wake up to Francisco on the edge of my bed. How long has he been there?

"Good morning, sunshine!" he says playfully. We both laugh, but then all of these flashbacks hit me at once. I picture Aman cuddling with me in his bed. It turns to him and Salma together on his bed when I discovered them. I remember the video that strange man posted giving me a death threat. I relive the moment that just happened yesterday when a man threw a glass bottle at me. Then the whole sequence plays out again.

I walk up and look out the window. It's night time, so I must have slept for a long time. I remember falling asleep during the late morning. That means I'll be up all night.

"I've never seen you this sad," Francisco breaks the silence. I don't say anything. I don't know what to say.

"I don't want to see you like this.This was how I was when I wanted to end my life," he explains. I look at him and I can tell he feels hurt. I decide to confide in him. He's one of the only people I can trust anymore.

"I feel worthless. Aman was so busy with work and school all of the sudden that we never saw each other. Well, we did, but rarely. And then I discover him and Salma in his bed. It was worse because it was Salma, not another girl. I did so many things for him and then he just walked all over me. Plus, who knows how many times he saw her when he was 'busy' and couldn't see me. I feel so much pain because I wasn't even worth his time. I wasn't a priority for him. Salma was worth his time, but not me. Who knows how many other girls he was with.

"I wanted to save my virginity for the man I knew would be mine for the rest of my life and in Jannah, in sha Allah. I really thought he was the one. I just knew. But even my own instincts let me down. I gave away my virginity to someone who wasn't worth it. I can never take it back. Most Muslim men want a woman who is 'pure and untouched'. I am neither. It will be so hard to explain this to another Muslim man who I would want to be with in the future. There is a huge chance that he won't accept me as a wife. I ruined my life! 

"And then seeing the crowds there to watch me sing made me feel amazing, yet horrible at the same time. Some of these people look to me like I'm a goddess with perfection and not negative traits. It makes me sick because I'm nowhere close to what Allah is and I never will be. It almost makes me not want to be famous anymore. I miss my normal life. All of these bad things have happened because I became famous. I mean, how will I know if a man wants to be with me not because of my fame? I won't know.

"I'm so anxious. My heart is always heavily pounding, especially when I'm trying to go to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see Aman with Salma. I saw the way he looked at her. He never looked at me that way. It kills me every time. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. When I'm doing random things, random memories of us together flash in my mind, making me feel weak. I just feel worthless."

I want to cry, but I can't. My eyes are dry and I've used so many tears in the past month. Plus, my pain is so unbearable that I feel like I can't escape it. I don't feel suicidal. I always have some hope, but I'm pretty close to the edge. The hope is so far away from me right now. I feel trapped or that I'm in a prison where I can't escape now matter how hard I try.

"Let's go to San Francisco," Francisco says. I look at him shockingly.

"But it's so late and it takes an hour to get there! Plus, my parents most likely won't let me go," I explain.