Beneath the Surface

Chapter 6 - News from Tirol

TW warning: SH

It's been excatly 46 hours, 34 minutes and 15 seconds ago that he left. It felt like eternity but finally my peace got disrupted by the thrilling sound of my phone. 'Matt❤️' it said on the screen. 

I picked up:

"Hey honey how are you?" 

"Great and you? Got there safely?"

"Ofcourse, I am sooo tired, to no surprise my train was late and when I got to the hotel the ski-bus was already waiting for us to go to the mountains."

"Wow babe, sounds like you need a rest, how's the groups?"

"Great, it's not such a bug school like you guys where so me and Fred are coaches for a group and then Amy with the beginners" 

"Amazing...." we called for hours untill my room was completely dark. 

"Honey. Bedtime!" Mom called out from downstairs. 

"Ok!" 

"So I guess I'll leave you to it, goodnight honeybear" 

"Goodnight hot ski-coach". I put my phone down and went to get ready. I felt lonely, I felt sad. My happiness was gone, it went to Tirol. My hope was gone, same as my futere. They were all in Tirol. All with Matt. 

I looked in the mirror and hated the image I saw. I am so thin, you can see my ribs, I look so young and I am tiny. Cut marks all over my back from the torture I used to get. 

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. I hate that I need someone else to keep me together, I hate that I can't stand up for myself, I hate that I am weird, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. 

I quickly put on pj's and went to bed. 3 days went by. The only good moment was our call. So I waited, I waited and saw the clock turn to 10, 11, 12. Why didn't he call today. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. I was scared. I was scared my man went to Tirol with all the good things I had and wouldn't come back. 

It's thursday now and I finally heard my phone beep. It was Fred. I picked up, maybe it was Matt and had he just lost his phone. 

"Hey. Matt?" I asked, unsure if I'd hear his voice on the other end.

"No, no it's Fred, Matt is here with me but,..he's not able to answer you, he, he got into a bad crash on the mountains yesterday and he's in the hospital. He's not doing so great, they put him in a coma so he wouldn't feel the pain, but the crash was fatal and they're doing everything they can." 

"oh, ok. If he wakes up no matter how he feels tell him I love him very much." 

"ofcourse, but I'll have to hang up now, will you be alright?"

"Yeah, sure thanks, I'll keep praying for him."

With that the call ended. My screen turned back to black and my head went crazy. Crazy with thoughts, with hopes, and prayers, to save my everything. 

Another day went by and at 6pm I got another call from Fred, with trembling hands I picked up only to get a call I would never forget, the call I was hoping not to get. 

"I am sorry but he didn't make it", the words that made my inner walls crumble down. 

My phone screen turned back to black just like my feelings. It felt like the universe had lost its gravity and had collapsed on me. It felt like I was pushed in the gut and thrown in the coldest corner of a cell. Me eyes are burning and red, water streaming down my cheeks and cries for help escaped my mouth. 

Mom came running upstairs and I told her. I told her the same excact thing Fred had told me. She took me into a warm hug and didn't let go of me. 

Friday, the day I would never forget. 

The sky turned to dark and the moon had appeared. I was sitting on the little edge by the window and looked at the stars. I was looking for him, I was looking for the brightest star. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep for the next 3 days untill my body gave up on the fourth. 

It was a monday, I was still asleep, I slept, I slept a long time untill the sun took over my room with its brightness. My parents were of to work and I sat there in my room, I was dazed,  I felt weird. I felt nasty, I should shower. I grapped my comfy grey pants and his sweater. 

His sweater the only part of him left with me. I put on the shower and stepped in. The water was hot, very hot. But I didn't care, all I cared about was Matt. 

"Ah fuck!", I became aware of what was happening to me. I had faded away in my thoughts and my arms and back were full of burns. 

The water, the water, it was too hot. In a panick I turned it to the coldest temperature and grapped my arms close to me, waiting for the temperature to change. I was hurt, I wanted to heal. I had learned to keep the burns under cold water for atleast 10 minutes, but I waited 20. It was too late, they had done the damage. I got out and searched on google, searched for answers to fix my wounds. I grapped bandages and called mom. She came over and fixed me up. 

For 4 hours I didn't think of him, I didn't think of what had all happened to me so far. I had lived in the now, and it felt great. I didn't want to live in the past anymore. The pain, the pain made me live here, it made me think clear. 

The pain was my way out. 

Mom was back to work, she, after all, just has to cross the street and walk 5 minutes to get to school, the school where she works, my school, the school that saved me. 

She saved me. 

The school wich lead me to fall in love with Matt. The school that helped me mentally. My school. I sat on the couch and watched tv to set my mind of of things when I suddently got a text from my friends. They were sharing photos in our group chat. I went to share some I took with them at Jenna's birthday party when I stumbled upon pictures of me and Matt in Tirol. Me and Matt, Matt and me, me and Matt on our frist trip, the trip where I met him. 

I quickly sent the pics and put own my phone. Me and Matt, me and Matt, me and- 

'our chat!' I said out loud. 

I could read all our messages. Maybe I could find closure in his comforting words. It seemed endless, endless to swipe upwards to our first texts. I laughed when I read them. 

"Make sure to bring all the ski supplies up to me tommorow at 8am, we will be leaving at 8h30 to the slopes so be on time.", it was a message sent to everyone from our ski-group. I laughed at the innocence in this message knowing that our secret thoughts about eachother were still secret. It turned me on, it turned me on hard when I scrolled down reading more and more messages. They kept getting spicier and I could see how we grew closer. 

Scrolling down felt like skiing down with a high speed. Time flew by and I reached a message that broke my heart. We chatted on another app then with others, we didn't wanna pay extra to text due to our long-distance relationship. It was a message I had never seen before. 

"Hey babe, I hope you're doing fine in Belgium. Amy dared me to go down from the highest slope so, here I am, on the little scary egg-thingy you like to call it. If I get back we'll make sure to go on a solo camping trip like you always talked about. Even if it is for 1 night and in the local park :) Big hugs and love Matt", followed by 

"Oh shit honey, I am actually scared, the adrenaline is rushing trough my body but hey, it will be fine.". It broke me, it broke me to know I had never replied. I hadn't replied when I still had the chance. But it changed my look on the situation. he didn't want to go down, it wasn't his fault, it was Amy's. Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy. 

Her name was bouncing around in my head like a bunny who's let free. 

Amy did it, Amy did it, Amy did it. I was hurt, hurt even more. 

The wounds got deeper and deeper untill I didn't wanna feel the pain anymore. I ran upstairs into my bathroom and openened my cabinet. I took out me razor and cut myself. I cut deep, deeper then my wounds, just how I wanted it to be. 

Just so I could live in the now.