Was he ever Mine? (Completed)

trigger

Date: 24 February 2024
It's been almost a year i wrote something here...it feels weird that I'm writing today because its the same day khaothung confessed. dam i miss him, i wish i could tell him this. this year was quite difficult to handle without him.
doing things in this new place, without someone hyping beside me, was different and quit lonely...here people are nothing like the one's I left in Thailand. here people are reserved for themselves, even if you need help they will check their schedules but in Thailand it was different, they were not my friends but my family. mae's care, pa's love, mom's supporting me more than her own son, Mix being with me in every steps, Earth making me understand things clearly, Tay correcting me with my mistake, Bright pulling my legs and... khaothung the one who did all the above things with extra stuff.
I miss Thailand, I need each one of them
Right now in my hard Times. it sucks without them here

(Khao:
It sucks without u here too First, I'm sorry
I could feel myself bowling by now.
I'm sorry, I only thought i suffered
But to be honest u suffered more.
I had my people here to console me but you were all alone in a new place without anyone's support...)

Date: 16 March 2024
Sara is pregnant and Sam was not ready to accept her. so I did something that i felt right. i decided to raise her kid by taking care of her. am i doing it right?
i don't understand if this is a right decision but it feels right. ahh! my head hurts. khao, I wish you were here to tell me, if I was doing right or wrong but i know what u would say "stop taking others responsibility on your shoulders", "can u once think about yourself", "be selfish First" right? Dam i miss you...I love u khao.. I will always do...

(Khao
I laughed at his para, wiping my tears with my hands. I love u more, First)

Date: 4 May 2024
It's tough, taking care of a pregnant woman is tough. they are just like khaothung, stubborn, no difference.
I thought it would be easy but it's not. taking care of a mother with a child and my own mental health is difficult. the unnecessary anxiety and thoughts are eating me up the only thing that calms me is when i listen to the song i danced on with khao but I'm scared I can't show it to Sara she herself thinks, she is a burden to me. I can't let her suffer into this alone....

(Khao:
Once again u thought about someone before yourself. you call me stubborn and then it's you who never listens to me )

Date: 17 August 2024
Will I be able to handle Sara's child with all my problems? will I be a good person for him? im already so messed up will I make his life messed up too? things are tough, hitting my hand on the walls, hitting myself, was what I did before but now i started using blade on myself, I'm guilty i should have not done it. mae, pa will be disappointed when they will know about this and khao he'll kill me for doing this to myself. I'm sorry but this is the only way i could distract the mess in my head....I'm sorry

(Khao:
When i looked at the para my heart forgot to beat. he was hitting himself? he was cutting? I felt like i failed, i failed as a friend, as a boyfriend and as a person. i couldn't protect my loved one
But it wasn't too late right or was it?)

Date: 13 October 2024
Today Sara gave birth, isn't it amazing that it's the same day as my love one's birthday. I miss him today more, I wish you happy birthday khaothung. I love u and I'm sorry, I couldn't protect us but i promise I will protect this kid from every obstacles and for that i named him khaothung. weird right? but when Sara asked me for a name only your name came out of my mouth. we gave the baby two names
for the world,he was Mark but for me he was khaothung. i will keep u with me forever in his form. i always wanted to give u my last name but I u guess it was only possible like this
I love you khaothung, I miss you

(Khao:
I love u more First, all these years i thought, u didn't even think about me but I was wrong, I'm sorry I failed us but we both were trying to protect eachother right it's just the ways were different...)

Date: 9 December 2027
I'm back in Thailand, i thought I'll never come back this early but I did, pa's operation was more necessary than my problems. everything here has changed mostly the people, mae and pa are not really happy with the fact that i brought Sara and Mark, maybe because they still hoped for something else, mom is very kind to me, she tries her best to understand me but I can see it in her eyes that she is worried about her son and khao... when i saw him after 5 years I wished i could ran into his arms...

(Khao:
So he wished the same...)

It took a long time to read the dairy.
he shared his experience there.
he maybe write this dairy after every month or two but in every note one thing was common, I miss u khao.
all these years I was angry on him and he was just missing me. i feel like a horrible person to think that First gave up on us but the truth was he never did...
I read the dairy the whole night without any sleep until I was on a page

Date: 24 March 2028
I'm leaving again today....

Tbc.

Author's note
Won't strech much, story will end soon.
If any mistakes ignore, it's author's first time
Thanks for reading