Metanoia (Shubman gill×Ishan kishan)

Chapter 8

Tw:Panic attacks.

Ishan's POV

It's been 6 days,why hasn't he replied to me yet?Is he that mad?Did I upset him so much?I'm always like this,messing everything up.

I sat down on my bed,my legs getting weaker,and my palms starting to feel sweaty.

"You always mess everything up"

The memories started to replay in my head once again,dragging me down to the hell hole.

"You are no good.
Useless,good for nothing"

"NO,Please stop.Please.STOP",my breathing quickened to the point that I was panting,as enough oxygen wasn't going inside,or maybe it was my fault that I couldn't breath properly.

I fell on the floor,and curled up into a ball.It feels like an elephant sat down on my chest.I'm unable to move,unable to breath.My throat feels dry,as if I haven't tasted water for decades.

"Running away from me?
You can't"

My stomach churned as his voice played on my head again and again.It's like the voices are permanently imprinted in my mind,not letting me free from the shackle of the ruinous past.

"You will always be pathetic"

"NOOOOO",I screamed out so loud that my voice could be heard from miles.

"WHAT HAPPENED?",dad came running towards my room,my sister,Harper trailing behind him.

"Ishu...."Harper called out softly,slowly inching towards me.

"NOOOOO.DON'T. DON'T....NE-NEAR..DON'T COME NEAR ME",I chocked out,unable to speak properly because of the lump that formed on my throat.

"Go away....go..go-NO...",I was blabbering continuously.

"Useless"

The voices in my head were getting louder with every passing second.I started to scratch the area around my wrist.With the increasing pitch of the taunting voices in my head,the force of my nails on my skin increased.

I promptly started to scratch my skin,bite my fingers,letting my skin break,letting me bleed,letting me cause a physical pain.

A physical pain can make me forget about the mental Pain I'm going through right now.

"Again crying?"
"Huh,pathetic boy"

My pounding head started to feel light.My fingers were coated red.I'm sure my eyes are puffed,nose stuffed and face red.God,I'm so ugly.So ugly.

"I want to ruin your pretty face"

"Pl....ple-plea...please..st-..sto..",no,I couldn't form any coherent sentence,infact,no coherent words were coming to my mind right now.I wanted them to stop,Stop for now,forever.

Just Stop

"Ishu...honey,you are shaking badly.Let mamma come closer",mum said in a very soft voice,standing by the door.

"NOOOOOOO D-DON..DON'T.PLEASE"

"It's okay,Ishan.We are here,son.We will be standing by the door,nobody will come closer to you.It's alright,son",dad said in a soothing voice.

"You don't have to be afraid,Ishu.We're here",Harper said,to which mum agreed by a simple "yes".

They stood there,whispering sweet nothings to me.It feels like an eternity has passed when my body finally stopped shaking.I was still crying on the floor,but atleast I'm a bit stable now.

"I'm gonna go call Dr.Sheik",mum said in a hush voice,but I still heard it.Dr.Sheik is my therapist.She is a nice lady,I like her.

Dad and Harper stayed there,by the door.Their eyes full of sympathy,I don't like this.But It's true,I'm helpless and pathetic.Everybody feels pity for pathetic people.

"I'm no good"
"I'm pathetic"
"I'm useless"

I was blabbering those words that had been drilled in my head since childhood.And they are true.All of them are true.True.

"Ishu...please,take deep breaths.Calm down,Ishu",Harper said,her voice sounds heavy.Is she crying.Did I make her cry?Oh god,I upset her,just like how I upset Shubman.I always upset people,always.

"You're such a disappointment"

"Son,calm down.It's alright,nobody's going to hurt you",dad said in a sad voice.

I shook my head vigorously,dry heaving on the floor,no food came out as I haven't had anything in the past 24 hours.Tears were streaming down my cheeks,sweat soaking my t-shirt.

"Ishu please....",mum pleaded.

"NOOOOO I'M NO GOOD",and just like that,my body was again violently shaking.Mum,dad and Harper stayed there,frozen.They were helpless,because if they come any closer,it would worsen the situation.

I lost all control over my body.I couldn't control my bladder anymore.I couldn't control my screams anymore.I cried,covered in my blood,sweat and urine.

Soon,I exhausted my whole body.Black dots started to cover my vision,my eyelids felt heavy.And shortly,I blacked out,turning off everything around me.

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A/N:It was not an easy chapter to write.

If anyone of you went through this,just know,I'm so fucking proud of you.Thank you for being here.Thank you for still fighting your wars.