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I used to say that it doesn't matter, if I am pretty or not. That I don't care , about how I look and what I wear.
I still mostly don't care, but there are moments that I find myself, wishing to not be present among pretty people, for it becomes too obvious that I am ugly.
I find myself wishing I could erase myself from pictures, for I never look good in them. Even when I look at my mirror and find my face pleasant, pictures reflect to me another reality.
I mostly say, I am not photogenic. I say I am better in person, but I can never see myself on a third pov to know truly.
When I smile sincerely and feel good, do I still look ugly? When I am truly loving people and trying to comfort them, do they see the face I see in pictures?
Who is lying, my mirror or the camera.
The words of everyone that doesn't want to hurt my feelings or my own eyes? Will I ever know the truth in a subjective way?
I am not sad about it, being pretty is not something I ever thought about. For since little I had other problems to be worrying over. I didn't have much time to stare in the mirror and criticize my appearance. No looks even mattered to me when it came to everyone else so why should I care, how I look like.
But lately, I think I am starting to see why people say, that looks matter. It's because no one can see your personality at a glance, people lie after all. No one can know your heart, let alone trust it that it is so, for many have been broken and deceived already. No one can see your soul as you pass by, even if it's the most beautiful one of them all.
We are like gifts, and everyone can only see the wrappers. And I guess mine is a pretty dull one. But maybe the problem is not what it is, it's the fact that I don't want to decorate it. I don't want to change it. I refuse to pretend. I have accepted that I am ugly, and I like me like that.
For my ugliness changes with my mood, and no one else's words. Even when I feel ugly among pretty people, it doesn't hurt, it just makes me feel like I don't belong.
For my ugliness can't be improved with makeup, if my eyes aren't filled with love, I will always see myself the same. No amount of anyone's compliments can change my view.
I know what I am and where I stand, and I wish I could be loved for that and no better cover. I am a gift wrapped in plain looking paper, not for everyone's taste. Unpopular, certainly but a gift nonetheless.
One that you can not figure out,by a look only. One that to truly know it's value, you will need to unwrap it.
