Because Of You

Chapter 37

The squad was gathered around a small fire, water boiled to give them the opportunity to have a hot drink of tea. None of them were too eager to speak, seeing as they had just witnessed something traumatic - especially Jean, who had seen Carmen's carnage.

Levi though, took their silence as a chance to speak, he could finally get a word in while the other were quiet. "Has all this filth killed your appetite?" The captain asked as he observed the full cups in the teenagers' hands, at least Carmen's was empty, but he should have expected her to be so composed.

"Drop it." Carmen advised, figuring that his approach was far from appropriate. Instead of folding, the man sent her a glare, not liking the fact that she was undermining him.

"They aren't going to learn a damn thing if they live with regrets." Levi challenged, Carmen scoffed.

"Sometimes it's good to have regrets, they help us grow." She wasn't backing down, she refused to let him confront the squad about what had happened.

"Not if we let them consume us."

"Its a good thing we all have a strong resolve."

"When you take a life, resolve isn't enough." He tried to reason with her, hinting to his squad, that's when Carmen realised, he wasn't talking about her. Slowly, she looked at each of the teenagers, out of all of them, Armin and Jean looked the most distraught - it had to be one of them.

"I see." Carmen nodded her head, understanding him. "Take it from a killer, you shouldn't keep your feelings to yourself - it's not worth it."

Armin's head lifted, rather than looking towards the ground, he gazed at Carmen. "How many people have you killed?" He asked her, eyes slightly watery.

The assassin shook her head, she hadn't exactly kept count of all her victims. After all, she'd been killing since she was 8, the corpses all just fades into an endless pit of shame. "Too many to count." Carmen finally replied. "I did what I had to in order to survive, but I'm not proud of it. Why would I be?"

Armin hummed, he somewhat understood what she meant, but that didn't mean he could separate her from her past, like Mikasa could easily disregard. For someone who used to think he was a 'good person', Armin's heart was taking a toll on him.

"There's something I don't understand. When I turned around and tried to save Jean, that woman already had her gun to your head." Armin explained. "Funny, how could I have shot before she did?" He wondered.

For the others, the answer was obvious. But no one, other than Levi, was blunt enough to say it. "You shot first because she hesitated. It's simple."

"I'm sorry Armin." Jean apologise. "You wouldn't have had to save me if I had just done my job."

"I know what it is." Armin continued as he neglected Jean's apology. "The woman I shot back there, I bet she was a really kind person, she must have had a lot more humanity than I ever did. I pulled that trigger so easily. I'm ..."

"A killer." Levi interrupted, his method overly blunt and absent of sympathy. "And now that your hands are bloody, the person who you once were is gone."

Quickly, Mikasa defended her friend, he wasn't like the others, he shouldn't have been the one to pull the trigger. "Why would you say that?" She accused, but Levi ignored her and refocused on his point.

"And you shouldn't regret it for one second. Because, if you had chosen to keep your hands free, Jean would be a corpse on a cart right now." Armin seemed to relax at his words, guilt lessening as Levi spoke. "I'll tell you why you pulled the trigger, it's because your comrade was about to die. Armin, everyone on our squad survived today, because you, Carmen and I, got our hands tainted. Thank you."