ℂ𝕃𝕆𝕎ℕ| Kaz Brekker

When You Can't See Her Face

Why would we want

to be what we become

just to go back and undo

what we've done

~Papa Roach~

𝔼𝕧𝕚𝕝𝕪𝕟𝕟 ℙ𝕚𝕖𝕤𝕥

I HAD NO IDEA HOW LONG I'd been there. Finally I'd taken my life into my own hands and this was where it got me, it was pathetic. My tears stained my face, but were no longer pouring, it was a horrible feeling. The pain was gone now, I was numb, I'd lost whatever messed up game Kaz and Pekka were playing without even knowing it. I'd given up hope by now, Kaz couldn't save me, even if I wanted him to.

My ears rang with empty noise, the slightest airflow being the only sound in my dark room. The stench was horrible from my own vomit; my gut wrenched, my eyes stung, my lungs burned. If I was more than half conscious I would find it embarrassing. 

The momentary blindness of light hitting my face made me realize someone was coming in. The heavy pattern footsteps made me realize it was the last person I wanted to see.

"Hello there, Rabbit." His voice rang horribly in my ears. He didn't use my stage name the same way Kaz did, Pekka said my name like a mocking curse, a knife to my gut. Reminding me he owned me. "Are you ready for your star role?"

I didn't move, my eyes trained on the blood stained floors. 

"Stubborn are we? Come on love, a performer like you must miss the stage hm? The look on someones face when you do the impossible?"

I wasn't sure what came over me, maybe the last sane part of my brain had snapped, I mean it was only a matter of time. But I stared up at him with my dead hollow eyes, and spread a smile over my features, wide and broken. "I know a clown when I see one Mr Rollins." I began to laugh wildly, falling to my side, tears I didn't know I had spilled but it only made me crack up more.

I felt arms grab me and drag me out, it wasn't Pekka of course, he would never get his hands dirty. "Get her ready."

They took me into a type of bedroom and threw me onto the bed. What happened for the next few hours flew by, I was dressed in a white dress, corset pulling tight and covered in lace and red ribbons, but the infected, bloody wounds all over me stained it with every movement that I made. I stood there like a doll as they covered my face with a porcelain mask. The hands that flew over me hurt with every mild touch. They never fully stripped me down, but it was close enough that I could feel the eyes trailing my frame. If I'd been someone else maybe I would have hid, but I was confident in my body and numb to prying eyes. My life was a constant display of myself, in front of crowds no less. It didn't make me cower anymore, but it did make me careful. 

Finally someone spoke directly to me, but of course it was him. "Perfect, aren't you excited?" He approached me, and through the poorly crafted mask I saw him bring his hand forward to touch my face. "You don't even realize what this means do you?" He laughed. 

He motioned me forward, "come on girl, we have quite a show for Mr Brekker."

I didn't know what time it was till we stepped outside into the dark night air. If only I could have enjoyed it; the moonlight surrounding me, the pavement hitting my new ballet heels, the cold, fresh air on my skin. But instead it was a warning, everything was going downhill now.

I sat silently, as far from the hellish man before me. The carriage began to shudder, and we were moving. Bouncing lightly in our seats against the uneven roads. I lifted my head, smiling under my mask, but didn't speak.