Archie, Darling. A Queer Romance

Archie, Darling. Part 18

18

16/1/23

I've got a lot to think about.

"Starry, Starry night" is playing in the background as I write this, it makes me cry every time. The first time I ever heard it, I was twelve. It hit me so hard, it felt as though he was singing about me, about how I struggled to fit in, how I was bullied; searching for acceptance in a world that never understood me. Today, I see a new meaning in it.

Now I understand, what you tried to say to me

For the last few months, in fact, for my whole life; my heart has been trying to tell me the truth. I have ignored the signs, crushed the fantasy. At the wedding, I shattered the walls I had built to keep it at bay, and saw the truth. Now I understand. I can pretend all I want, but I can't lie to myself. It felt really fucking good. I was happy the entire day. I felt so good, and then today...I fell into a heap. I haven't left my room; I've spent the day looking at the selfies I took. I am so happy in them, even when I'm not smiling; my eyes are bright. Brighter than I've ever seen them. Flaming flowers that brightly blaze. I think of the girlhood the woman in the photos never had. I think of the womanhood I could still have, and it breaks me.

I do not want this.

I don't want to be trans.

I want to have a normal fucking life

Colours changing hue.

If I am trans, I will lose so much, I will lose so many people. There is no world in which Ollie accepts me. Dani and mum will, but Ollie? "They would not listen they did not know how" He'll want me admitted to a psych ward. He doesn't have the capacity to listen.

FUCK. The wedding photos. FUCK. He's going to see them eventually. I was prepared for that, but I didn't realise I would look so FUCKING TRANS. I can't explain that away! He's going to flip out. "Perhaps they'll listen now" Jesus Christ, he couldn't even accept that I was non-binary. He'll never listen, he won't. If I embrace who I am, I lose him. Either I let myself live, and lose a brother, or I let part of me die, and he remains.

And when no hope was left in sight.

On that starry, starry night

You took your life as lovers often do.

If I can't live as a woman, I might as well...

No.

No, I am not going back to that place. I know now, why non-binary hasn't felt entirely right, I think I've known for a while. I've shattered the illusion and I can't take it back. I know who I am inside. I see it all now, why it took me so long to realise. I see all the reasons I refused to accept it.

As beautiful as you.

I don't want to; I want to forget. I want to forget that fucking wedding and that fucking dress. The fucking make-up and that stupid fucking feeling. I want to take it all back. I want to force myself into a suit, play the role, be a man. I want to forget Ellie; I want to forget what she has given me. I want to forget the freedom I have been feeling, but I can't. The person I saw in the mirror, is haunting me. Like a gentle spirit, like a ghost who loves me.

With eyes that watch the world but can't forget. The stranger I have met.

I cherry picked excuses "But I didn't play with dolls" "But I liked boy things". I told myself anything that would make me forget. Now, I have to choose myself. That's all I have. I have said it before, I came into this world alone and I will leave alone. I want to leave as my true self.