Archie, Darling. A Queer Romance

Archie, Darling. Part 1

To my younger self,

I have not known you. For many years, I have not known you, I don't know when I lost you. If I look back through the years, I know you were always there, but I didn't listen. I know you were there when dad left, I know you were there when Ollie moved out. I know you were there each time I cried, each time I laughed, and each time I asked why?

To my younger self. I see you now, I hear you now. I do not know when I left you, but I know I am back. I know I wasn't there for you in the past, but I am now. I will always be. I know you've been hurt; you've been neglected, you've been told that the world is harsh and dark. But I will make a new world for you. I will hold your hand; I will stand and protect you. I will hold you as you cry, I will laugh with you, and I will answer every time you ask why?

To my younger self. You will know what it is to be loved again, you will know what it is to be heard. You will feel safe.

To my younger self, thank you.

Prologue

15/5/23

What does it mean to be a man?

When I was twelve, my dad told me it was time to be a one. He told me it was now my job to provide, to protect. He told me that a man is strong, a man is brave, a man fights for his own. My father was none of these things. So, what is a man? My mother fought harder for us than my dad ever did. She was stronger than he ever was, braver than he ever dreamed to be. So, what is a man? Someone with a cock? I know many who are cowards. Is a man someone who provides? I know many who are women. Is a man someone who beats his children? I know many who do.

Who am I? If the criteria are so loose, if they fit so many, then how can I know who I am? I've lived as a man, for 23 years, and never asked myself what that meant. I walked this path my whole life, never wondering where it would lead me and, eventually, I found myself broken, hurt, and afraid. I was told a man cannot be those things. So perhaps I am not a man. Perhaps I am just a person. What a liberating idea.

If I am not what I have been told, if I do not have to be what I thought, then who do I want to be?

That is the question I have been asking myself since I left Jay. For three years of our relationship, I was what she wanted; I was attentive, caring, sacrificial. I submitted myself to her and gave her everything. I changed who I was, I washed away my independence and clothed myself in her desires. I looked in the mirror and saw a perfect image of what she wanted; it was anything but me. When that hit me, I left. I left to find myself. What started as a journey to return to the external image of who I once was, turned inwards and became a search for who I want to be at my core. It started with clothes, with dressing how I used to dress. I stretched my ear gauges back to the size they were before I met her, I started to dress punk again and I decided to really, consciously, stop giving a fuck about what I was "supposed" to be wearing. With that, I asked myself "What have I been wanting to do?" the first answer was simple: a dress, I wanted to wear a dress. Nothing overly feminine, nothing floral or flowy. Just a simple tartan dress; my first rebellion.

I bought it from Dark Meadow, I'd bought kilts from there and I knew the staff were friendly and non-judgemental. Even so, the anxiety was still with me as I entered the store and grabbed the dress. As I stood in the cubicle and stripped down, I laughed to myself; joking that this was going to awaken something in me. I pulled the dress over my head, and checked myself out in the mirror. I started to tear up. Not because of the dress, not because of the way it hugged my waist, or the way it flowed, but because; for the first time in years, I was doing something for me. Unapologetically for me.