I'm Fucking Fine, Okay? - EraserMic -

6

!!!TW!!!

SH, suicidal ideation

CHAPTER 6

Hizashi has his face pressed to the glass of my window, staring outside.

'That won't make the food come any faster you know' I grumble, watching him on the couch.

'I know. But I'm so hungry!' He wines. I huff, uninterested with his shenanigans, and go back to petting Honey.

It's your fault that he's hungry. 

Now. Really?

You're a disgrace. Do everyone a favour and disappear forever.

Yeah I know. Just haven't chosen when yet.

That's because you're too much of a coward. Nobody will miss you. Until then, go to your bathroom and do it. You deserve it.

'-o? Sho? You good man?' I'm pulled back into reality by a concerned sounding Hizashi. I force a smile.

'All good, just tired'. He stares at me, tilting his head to the side. 'You're a bad liar Sho. I know all your tells'.

I internally laugh. Yeah, you are great at knowing when I'm lying. It's not like I've been depressed for like 20 years now or anything. 'Whatever' I mumble, standing up.

'Need the toilet'. I shuffle out the room, heading up the stais two at a time. I head into my room, gasping for air. I stumble into the bathroom, locking the door.

Shit shit shit shit shit.

You made him worry. You promised you'd never hurt the people you love. You failed. You need to be punished.

My heart gets quicker. I try and steady myself, but fall over as my ears begin to ring, and my vision begins to get blurry.

NOT NOW. Please dear god not now. I don't want to remember.

I'm brought back to my senses by heavy feet running up the stairs. SHIT. I try and push myself up, but can't tell up from down. Did I lock the door? I hope to god I locked the door. Through the muffle, I hear a voice.

'Sho? You okay?' I try and slow my breathing, but the more I breathe, the less air I seem to have. 

'I heard a crash.' I try to speak, but my vocal chords restrict, and all I can manage is a squeak. 'Fine Zashi'. 

My head continues to spin, as I fight against myself to stand up. I need to bring myself back to reality, and fast. I look down at my two arms, gripping the sink.

'You don't sound fine Sho. Can I come in?' I lift up my face and look at myself in the mirror.

Ugly. Pathetic. Worthless. Useless. 

Shut up shut up shut up 'SHUT UP!' I yell, punching the sink. The pain brings me back. I punch the sink again, and again and again. I hear a rattling on the other side of the bathroom.

'OPEN UP SHO. NOW'. My breathing begins to calm. I punch again, and again, and again, until I hear a loud CRACK. Was that me or the sink?

'YEAAAAAAH' I immediately cover my ears, dropping down to the floor. The door crashes open, revealing a flustered Hizashi. He sees me hinched over the sink, and immediatley comes running over, scooping me into a tight hug.

'It's okay. I'm here. It's okay'. I tense. 

He's even more worried now. Look what you've done. You should've died before you got into UA, so that Hizashi wouldn't have to be burdened with your friendship.

I feel Hizashi moving. He picks me up, walks to my bedroom and plops me down on the bed. He begins to move around the room, shuffling. What the hell is he doing? I hear some movements, then a zip sound, like a bag.

Suddently, I'm being gently lifted onto my yellow sleeping bag, and being zipped up inside it. The warmth immediatly calms me down.

'Better?' Hizashi asks. I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to look at him. I nod. 'Good.' There's a pause. 'Hey Sho? Is it okay if I hug you?'

You don't deserve it.

'Please?' He asks. I manage a nod. immediately, I am engulfed in heat.

Look how worried he is about you. It's all your fault.

'Sho, tell me what's going on in your head'. 

Don't you fucking dare.

'N-nothing.' I say. Hizashi huffs. 'Please don't lie Shota. At least tell me what you were doing in the bathroom?'

'T-toilet' I manage to squeak out. Hizashi sighs. 'Dude, you can talk to me. You're my best friend. Please. Just TALK to me'.

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.

'C-can't' I sqeak out. Hizashi reshuffles, getting more comfortable. 'Huh?' He says, and I can feel him moving his foot. 'Sho, what's in your sleeping bag?'.

My blood freezes. NO. 'Nothing'. I say with some confidence. 'Don't gaslight me Sho, why-what- is that a shoe?' Suddenly, I burst out laughing.

'What's so funny Sho?' Hizashi asks. I continue to laugh. 'Seriously Sho, what the fuck is that?' He begins unzipping the base of the bag, and I hurredly grab the case, shoving it into my boxers.

He reaches around, finding nothing. I relax. He suddenly grabs the inside of my thigh. Oh no. There's a split second of awkwardness. Suddently, the doorbell goes. 

'I'll get it' Hizashi practically runs out the room. I quickly sit up, putting my glasses case in my bedside drawer. I close the drawer, then the pain hits me.

Fuck, my hand. I look down at it, brusing already showing. Shit, I think I broke something.

'Sho?' I snap my head up, noticing Hizashi, holding the bag of take-out. 'What the hell happened to your hand?' 'Tripped and fell' I mumble. Shit, did he see me put it into my bedside drawer? He drops the bags on the floor, coming over to the bed, sitting cross-legged on it, examining my hand. 'You need to go to a doctor Sho, it looks bad.'

'It's fine Zashi'. Zashi huffs angrily. 'Would you stop saying that! You're obviously not okay. I hardly hang out with you anymore. You look like you don't sleep at all, you're always zoneing out. So I will ask you for the last time. What is going on?'

I look up at him, tears forming in his eyes.

Don't.

'I'm fine Zashi, just tired'. I wince as he lightly grabs my arm. 'Please, tell me'. He looks down at my hand again. His eyebrows furrow.

I look down at my hand again. Wait, is that...SHIT. I yank my arm away, holding it behind my back.

'Sho. Give me back your arm'. I get off the bed, backing away from him. 'Shota Aizawa. Give me back your arm'. He says sternly. He gets off the bed, stepping towards me.

Run.

I run past him, he tries to tackle me, but I evade him, grabbing my capture weapon in the process.

'SHO. COME BACK'. I fling myself out the door, noticing the full moon in the sky. Got to get away. Got to run. I activate my catpure weapon, flinging myself onto a rooftop. Then another. Then another.

Hizashi's voice recedes into the distance.

I stop on a tall rooftop, collapsing onto the ground. I look at my arm, where blood has now stained most of my sleeve. I roll up my sleeve, noticing the blood soaked bandages. I must've repopened them when I attacked the sink.

I tear off a strip of my shirt, tightly winding it around my cuts.

What the hell am I going to do now?