[KULANI]
Cuteness in excess. AK keeps asking me endless questions about Vutlhari and I find some of them hilarious. He’s still quiet and studying his little brother while I give him his bottle. I’m on the couch in the study and AK is standing on his two feet. Mhan’ Singi prefers it when I’m locked up in the room because apparently that’s what all new mothers have to do. I suffocate when I’m in there. I cannot do it. The only place I do not frequent is downstairs because anyone might walk in and want to hold my baby.
‘Why is his lip peeling?’ he asks the hundredth question.
‘It’s because he’s a baby, nana’
‘Why do babies peel?’
I laugh.
‘Because…’ I don’t have an answer. ‘I guess their skin is still sensitive? I don’t know’
‘But you’re his mom. You’re supposed to know’
‘I think it’s because they’ve been inside the tummy for too long and now they have to adjust to the air and everything their skin is exposed to’
‘He went into your tummy after the airplane dropped him off?’
I forgot that I spun him the airplane story because he’s asking too many questions. I cannot stop laughing. I’ve realised that this child behaves more like Fikani than he does his father. They’re capable of saying the most hilarious of things and not laugh.
‘Yes. It did’ I just answer and hope for the best. The best in this case would be him concluding this topic. ‘Would you like some popcorn?’ I try to digress.
‘Why?’
‘Why what AK?’
‘Why did you eat him?’
Jehovah? You need to come back and save me because this child you’ve given me is quarter to giving me a headache.
‘I did not eat—’ I laugh, defeatedly. My cheeks hurt. ‘I did not eat him. I just… let’s just say I swallowed him because he was so small’
‘How small?’
‘Uhm… the size of a bead?’
‘And then he grew inside you until he was this big?’
I nod.
‘Then… how did he come out?’
‘Uhm…’ the cat has got my tongue. ‘The doctors took him out’
I take the bottle out of Vutlhari’s mouth when he falls asleep.
‘Took him out how?’
‘They cut me open on the tummy’
‘With scissors?’
I nod.
‘Is that why he’s red in the forehead? They hurt him?’ he points at Vutlhari’s vascular birthmark. He looks worried.
‘No. This is natural. He was born with it and it will go away’
‘When?’
‘I don’t know. As he grows’
‘And then what happened after they cut you open? Can you put him back there if you want?’
I am trying so hard not to laugh.
‘No. Once the baby is out, they sew the opening. He can’t go back into mommy’s tummy’
‘Then… then… then…’ he loses his train of thought. I watch him, waiting in unpleasant anticipation.
‘Do you like Cocomelon? Go fetch daddy’s Ipad in the drawer’
He nods eagerly and runs to go get it, thank God. He comes back with it and hands it to me.
‘Then what was he eating when he was growing inside you?’
Just when I thought I had won.
‘He was eating the same food I eat’. This damn thing is also taking its sweet time.
‘Like rice, meat and strawberries?’
I nod.
‘But you said milk is the only thing he drinks?’
I was lying. AK is exactly like his father. This cross-questioning? Someone needs to save me, right now!
‘Yes because he’s no longer in the tummy. He has to eat what babies eat’
‘But why did he start with big food first? Why didn’t you feed him milk when he was in the tummy?’
It finally connects. He hears the soundtrack and his eyes light up. He climbs on the couch and I give him the screen so he can hold it himself. He has completely forgotten about baby talk. Fikani walks in and AK runs to him.
‘Daddy!’ he screams.
‘Hey little man’ he greets him back and immediately picks him up. I don’t think AK can see that this isn’t Kurhula. Fikani was not here the whole day yesterday so they never got to meet.
‘Where is it?’ AK asks.
‘Where is what?’
‘Lunch bar. You said you’ll bring it’
‘We can go get it now?’
AK starts crying. Oh oh…
‘Hey hey…’ Fikani softly coaxes. ‘It’s okay. We can go get it together. I’ll teach you how to drive. How about that?’
The idea must be enticing to him because he’s growing calmer. The tantrum is losing its vim. Kurhula walks in shortly after his brother. He didn’t expect it to be a full house in here, from how he’s looking at all of us. He’s on the phone. AK looks at him, back at Fikani, then at Kurhula again. He slowly wiggles his way out of Fikani’s hands, who just smiles and watches the little man walking back to me. Kurhula’s call ends and they stand side by side – looking at AK and almost failing to conceal their smiles. They must not stress my baby. He is visibly freaked out.
‘Who are you?’ he directs this to Kurhula.
‘I’m your dad, AK. The fvck do you mean who am I?’ he laughs.
‘Mind your language!’ I scold. Next thing AK is going to be speaking to us in fvcks and shxts like it’s a normal thing to do.
AK’s eyes keep moving from one brother to another. Fikani squats and asks him to come closer. Akani goes but in a very slow pace.
‘My name is Fikani. I am your father’s twin brother. Do you know what a twin is?’
AK shakes his head.
‘It means we were born at the same time neh? We share both a mother and a father’
‘Did they cut granny’s tummy to take you two out? At the same time?’
‘Huh?’ they both go – sounding confused. I desperately indicate with my eyes that they shouldn’t entertain this otherwise it won’t end. Vutlhari wakes up.
‘Yes’ Kurhula answers, still looking confused. He stretches out his hands so AK can come to him. He manages to pick him and AK looks at Fikani, who also offers him his hands. He turns on Kurhula and allows Fikani to take him.
‘Traitor’ Kurhula complains and I laugh. Fikani walks out with him as they continue with their conversation. He will regret taking him with. I’m giving him only fifteen minutes. Kurhula comes to me and kisses me before taking his baby. I need to go handwash Vutlhari’s laundry.
‘How have my two favourite people been?’
‘I’m okay. Sleepy head as well’
‘I will sue you for calling my son names, Kuli’ he says and continues kissing Tlhari.
I laugh out loud. He’s mad, together with his son.
‘AK was asking me questions about how the baby got in my tummy and how he got out’
He laughs.
‘And what did you say?’
‘I told him the usual airplane story’
‘You should’ve told him the truth about the birds and the bees. He’ll find out eventually’ he says and takes a seat next to me.
‘What truth? What did you want me to say?’ Kurhula is not normal.
‘The truth and nothing but the truth’ he leans closer and pouts, wanting me to kiss him. I do exactly that.
‘You’re not answering my questioning though. What would you have said?’
‘I am going to tell him straight that the ding-a-ling he has is capable of manufacturing a whole human if he puts it inside a honeypot and that he shouldn’t make me a grandfather before time unless if he wants to wake up in ICU with a few broken ribs’
I cannot control my laughter. Something is seriously wrong with this man and to think I’m stuck with him for life?
Mhan’ Singi knocks and we let her in. She’s here to see the baby and she’s going to scold me for leaving the room with him. I was in the kitchen with him and she didn’t notice because she was so enraged with Mabontle. I can’t lie. She has been massive help with Vutlhari otherwise I would’ve lost my mind. She began spending a lot of time in this house ever since he arrived and I’ve learnt a whole lot about babies in such a short space of time. Including the fact that I should believe in Stuipdruppels more than I believe in myself. I’ve handed over the duty of bathing Tlhari to her because I feel like I’m going to drown him or something. We always fight about it because she says I should be willing to learn. I’d very much rather watch. After a mini conversation with his mother, Kurhula asks her to excuse us for a second. She tells me I’ll find her in the nursery. He clears his throat and looks at me. What he’s about to say must be serious.
‘I’m thinking of spending some time with Larona today’ he says. Vutlhari is still in his arms.
Still a bitter pill to swallow but I’m gonna swallow it, nonetheless. I pull in some air and sit back.
‘Are you two making progress?’
‘She’s still a bit stubborn but it’s nothing I can’t handle’
Thoughts of him ‘handling’ her always haunt me.
‘Okay baby. Have fun’
‘Are you okay?’ he asks and I nod. I will be, eventually. He leans in again for a kiss and I do the same. He sighs and hands Tlhari to me, then stands up.
‘Are you planning on sleeping over?’ I had to ask.
‘No. I’ll be back before the sun sets’
‘Okay wait. Let’s clear this out first. Once this whole thing gets serious, how are you going to divide your time, Mlambya?’
He never gave it a thought. He’s only thinking about it now.
‘Sunday to Wednesday will be yours? We’ll see baby’ he kisses me again and brushes my hair back.
‘Later?’
‘Later’ I respond. I genuinely love this guy…
