Belonging - an adopted by Hamilton sequel

24th of April, 2021: Explaining

24th of April, 2021

It was Friday later that week, and I had only exchanged a couple of text messages with Dom since our meet up on Sunday. Mostly to tell him that I was alright, and that he didn't have to worry. But I knew I had to call him. I owed him an explanation.
During the day, I had gotten several texts from Sepi, telling me to do exactly that.
My worries made me tap and blink. Like always.
I was sitting on the chair by my desk that overlooked the street below. My phone was placed right in front of me, and I had Dom's contact information already up on the screen. Ready to press dial.
I suppose part of me was scared that he wouldn't answer.
Or that he would, and he'd be angry with me.
Even though I knew he wouldn't be.
And that I wasn't supposed to confuse him with Sam.
Maybe that was why I was going to call him normally, and not on FaceTime, like we had done for most of the time since we had started talking again.
Anxiously, I swallowed before hitting the call button.
He picked up just after a couple of tones.
"Hi", he said, and his warm tone somehow instantly soothed me, even just for a second.
"Hi", I managed to reply, my voice quiet. "I'm sorry I didn't call earlier-"
"No, don't be. I could've called too, y'know", he told me, not accepting my apology. "Both you and I know that you needed a bit of time. And I'm glad to hear from you"
I could hear how he was smiling because of his tone.
I looked down, with my ear still pinned to my phone.
I was tapping while repeating the things I wanted to say over and over in my head.
"I just wanted to tell you...", I started to say. "To tell you that it wasn't your fault on Sunday", I concluded the sentence. Before he could get a word in, I continued. "And that I would like to be with you. If you'll have me", I said, but I wasn't quite finished yet. "But before you answer, there are some things you need to know-", and with that, Dom cut me off.
"Of course I'll have you", he said as if there was no other correct answer. Like it was obvious.
Even though it was warming to hear, I couldn't let myself accept it.
"Don't answer yet. I need to tell you something before you do", I told him, keeping to the plan. Dom stayed quiet for a few seconds, as if he was pondering about something.
"I'm just a couple of minutes away from your building, and I'm still COVID free. I can come by, and we can go sit somewhere, and you can tell me in person?", he asked me. I scrunched my forehead, feeling confused.
"Aren't you back at Syracuse?", I bluntly asked him.
"I just stayed a little longer", he replied caringly, trying to brush it off.
"Why?", I asked him.
"I didn't have to go back", Dom told me, and he paused for a second before admitting the next thing. "And I wanted to make sure that you were okay"
On the one hand, this was warming to hear. But, on the other, it made me feel like a weight had been put on my shoulders.
"You didn't have to", I quietly told him, as I nervously tapped against my thigh in the pattern I liked. "You don't have to feel like it was your fault, because it wasn't-"
"I know that Ruthers. But it wasn't yours either", he pointed out, cutting me off. It was the first time he had called me that since we had started talking again. "So can I see you?"
I hesitantly looked out the window.
It was a nice day, and the spring sun was warming the city.
Anyone would've wanted to spend this day outside.
But I hadn't gone outside my dorm since Sunday.
I looked towards my locked door.
My heart rate went up, just thinking about it.
Yet despite my failure on Sunday, I couldn't ignore how much I was actually longing for Dom.
I really wanted to see him. I really did.
Even though every part of my body didn't want me to go outside.
"Sure", I forced out. "I'm COVID free too", I added, just to ensure him.
"Right. I'm there in 10"

It took me longer than that to get out the door and out on the street, where he was patiently waiting. For once, he didn't actually have a bike with him. But his camera was, like always, hung over his shoulder. His face lit up when he saw me. I tried to smile back at him, as I walked down the steps.
"Sorry, it took a little longer-", I said, feeling a little ashamed about being late. We stood two meters apart, our faces covered with blue surgical masks.
The sight of him made me realise how much I actually had missed him.
"No worries", he assured me. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, even though I wasn't completely.
"Are you?", I asked him, because I knew I had worried him on Sunday, and probably now too.
"Yeah", he replied. "Just got the vaccine this morning, so I'm pretty great", he added, as he put his hand on his upper left arm. I smiled at him.
"That's great", I replied, trying to keep up with the conversation without being distracted by everything else that was going on around us. "And you feel fine?"
He shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, yes, this far. I know you got a little ill, but I'm hoping I'll stay in the clear", he told me, and as always, he was being the optimist of the two of us.
We started walking. We hadn't decided on where, but somehow, we had decided that we were going to walk.
"I hate being sick, so I'm just glad if the symptoms from the vaccine is all I get and that I don't end up with COVID anyway", I said, keeping my head down to make sure I didn't step on any cracks in the ground.
"A little too late for me. I actually had it in August", Dom told me. I looked up at him, surprised by what he was saying. "On my birthday and everything"
"You did?", I asked him with a surprised look on my face and he nodded. "Why haven't you told me?", I asked, to which he cracked a laugh.
"Cause I didn't want to worry you. And we weren't really talking at that point. Was I supposed to answer your happy birthday text with a thanks, I've got covid?", he said, explaining himself and cracking a laugh. I nodded, feeling a little embarrassed to have asked him that. "But it was fine, or it wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible. I was just worried about if I had gotten Flo sick. But she didn't, thankfully", he continued to explain, scratching the back of his head as if he was thinking.
"That's good", I told him, after briefly giving him a look, before looking down at the ground again.
"We can go to the park that's just around the corner here?", Dom suggested.
I nodded.
"Yeah", I replied, and followed his lead, as he snuck into the green room in the middle of the bustling city. Before I knew it, he had found a bench, and we sat down on each side of it, with a clear separation between us.
He held out an iced tea for me.
The ones that I could only find in certain stores.
"Sorry, I improvised and saw these in your local shop-", Dom apologized.
"It's actually still my favourite", I told him, accepting it with a slight smile.
He cracked a laugh, not surprised by my answer.
"So you wanted to tell me something?", he asked me, knowing I needed a bit of a push. I put the small carton down next to me.
"Yeah. Just promise you won't say anything until I tell you that you can", I began to say, as I hesitantly gave him a worried look.
"Sure", he told me, nodding.
Seeing his optimism was making my stomach knot itself over and over.
"I really didn't want to put you in that position on Sunday. It wasn't fair on you", I told him, talking slowly as if I was tasting the words before I'd let them be spoken. To be fair, I had gone through the speech in my mind hundreds of times over the last few days in order to make it come across how I wanted it to.
"I'm not even sure why I reacted like that", I said, but I was already getting the speech wrong. I tapped harder, still hiding my hands from his sight. "Or, I know why, I just don't want to think about why"
I took a deep breath.
"Because I like you, Dom. I never stopped liking you", and as I said that, I looked at him. I could see that it had made him smile. "But I also want you to know that you have an out. Like, this is your receipt that you can take back to the store"
I fell quiet.
I had more to say, but I hadn't decided on whether I was going to mention it yet.
"What makes you think that I want to have an out?", Dom hesitantly asked me, after carefully contemplating whether he should speak or not.
"Because I might be a disappointment", I told him.
"I don't think you are", Dom instantly replied, sounding sure.
"Did you go out with anyone else in the last few years?", I asked him bluntly. "I hope you did", I added, smiling at him.
"Well, yeah, and they were great-", Dom started, sounding confused as he kindly replied to my blunt question. "But they weren't you"
And as he said that, something broke within me.