us against the world.

Vanilla (just a tiny bit)

Record 2; Thursday, 09 June.

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"What's up with those bags under your eyes?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose. That voice is too happy to my liking. Too chirpy for these killer headache I'm having at this moment.

"What's up with those curiosity that you have?" I snap back.

"Whoa easy there, kiddo. I'm your doctor. I'm allowed to be curious about you, you know? And I'm also allowed to care about your health."

Well well, how ridiculous is that?

I scroll down my twitter timeline. Slightly chuckled when I saw some posts. These days, those are the only thing that made me strong enough to hold on. To believe that someday, things are gonna get better.

All was well in a silence, dr. Irena is making tea for both of us. But then, suddenly, I catch a bit of scent that I'm more familiar than I like. It trigger my panic attack. My breath start hitching up, I can't seem to catch it. And I guess dr. Irena realise it too because the next thing I know she left her tea making process and scoop me in her arms. She's cradling me back and forth. Just like the day before this.

Pathetic. I hate this so called therapy session, I hate talking to her but somehow she always seen my weak side. And how come, only from the 2 times I've been inside this room, I always got a panic attack. I swear this is a sign that I shouldn't even be in here. I swear.

"Vanilla." I mumbled. It feels as if there is a bile lump inside my throat after I said that.

"Yeah I just got that air freshener placed up yesterday. Vanilla scent." She push my chin up a little bit so now her bright green eyes that seems brighter because its filled with curiosity, are staring right through my dark brown eyes.

"She always smelled like one. Vanilla, I meant. I always said she does but she never listen." I chuckled at the end of my line. Realising how much sadness I put inside those words I just spoke. Then I break free from her cocoon. Stand up, and starts walking around.

"I don't really know whether its really vanilla or what, but she always smelt like something sweet. Its like whenever I smell it, anywhere, my mind instantly wanders to her. Such a sad truth."

I stop in front of three framed picture. There is 1 photo with lots of little children. In front of the hospital I guess. And 2 more photos that from her younger days I believe, was around college. She looks like a freshmen who just got into a water fight, and the other was on her graduation day. Come to think of it. She's pretty young considering she's working the job she have right now. Around 26, or 27 perhaps? Wow she must be super smart to get to this degree she have this fast.

I let my mind full with thoughts of young dr. Irena for a while, so that I won't have to think about that sickening sweet scent again.

"Do you always get a panic attack every time you remember things about her?"

I turn half of my body, so I could see her but still standing in front of the photos. I remain silent for a good ten seconds, deciding whether to lie or to tell her the truth. I choose the later.

"No. If that's the case I would have one every hour then. Its just this place, opening my memories about her again, I just.. I don't know."

Then I turn my face again. Noticing that in those 2 pictures of college, there's this one boy that always stand beside her. Chuckling, I think I might have found her weakness.

"He's your boyfriend doc?"

Her eyes snap almost in that instant moment to look at me, and leave that-god knows what she wrote inside that-clipboard. Aw look at her, she blushed.

"No. He's kind of like what you call a childhood friend."

I wanted to laugh at that reactions, but didn't have the heart to. So I change it into a little (devilish) chuckle. This is interesting. That's what I thought before I heard her whisper some soft words.

"He already got engage with my best friend anyway."

That word made me completely turn my body and walk to the sofas. She looked like she was about to cry, but she shake her head and smiled at me,

"Well, how about you? When's the last time you ever dated?"

There. She's back to that psychiatric mode.

"You know doc, I would love to know about you too. I mean, you said 'lets have a conversation where two people are talking' right?" I said making imaginary quotes sign in the air.

"Then lets have one. A conversation. Where I'll tell you about Ivy, and you tell me about him. How's that sounds?"

She blinked. Shaking her head with a little laugh.

"I am here to listen to your problems, Camilla. You are here to tell me about those. My life are a different matter. Its private."

Well that's enough to make me snap at her angrily.

"You don't think mine is? They fucking sign me in here without my consent. I already told them I'd go but just once, quoting them, 'for trial' that's why I went here. Yesterday I said 'hey mom dad I went there already. I'm fine, can I don't see her again?' and they said 'no sweetie you have to keep seeing her.' And that's that. When my dad decide something, it goes that way."

I stop to take a breath for a while, then continue,

"You always thought that you want someone, anyone, to notice how sad you are. How alone you feel, how worthless. The thing is, when someone does, sometimes its just too late. I have never been one to easily open up to people, and I do realise that. It took me a whole year to trust, really trust Ivy. You can't just barge in and expect to tear my walls down! I don't even talk about this with my parents. And also, I don't want your help doctor, neither I want my parents help. I needed those 3 years ago. Not now."

She looked so shock from my sudden anger burst. I mean, seriously?

"I don't need a therapist doc. I haven't lost my mind." I let those words left my mouth softly.

"I know you're not Camilla. Your parents know that too. You're not crazy. You're just.. a little lost."

"If I'm lost doc, I should've known where I must be instead of wandering around. You can use the words that really express me you know? There's no harm. I cursed at you already. And I guess we both know what words describe me good."

"Yeah? Depressed, bipolar, excessive use of bad grammar and vocabulary. You do realise that?"

I burst into a fit of laughter. Without any cynical tone this time. I truly laughed.

"I guess? But yeah, I guess those 3 words describe me best. But you could also say that I'm lost." I turn my head towards the window. Again, its raining. Just my luck that my parents took a day off for today and hear all about my session. The drive home would be very long.

"Its inappropriate for a doctor to talk to their patients about their personal life. Maybe I'll tell you some, but I'm not promising you anything here. And that includes Drew."

"So his name is Andrew."

She chuckles, "Yeah Andrew. A pretty common name."

I nodded my head in agreement.

"So," she picked her clipboard again. Scribbles something. Then continue her sentence,

"I take it that its the first thing you thought when you remembering about her? Vanilla scent?"

"Yeah. She always smelled a little bit like vanilla."

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its bad i know im sorry im just starting at this stuff so definitely im still bad at this.
so i really appreciate an honest opinion and advices thank you!