us against the world.

Falling.. Again?

Record 9; Tuesday, 5 July.

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"So I heard your parents finally found out about your nightmares."

I kept munching my chocolate flavoured oat biscuit. Not interested at the topic at all, I changed the channel on tv. Searching for fox channel. The volume was low, because dr. Irena agreed to let me turn on the tv in the middle of the session if only I kept the voice down. Well, better than nothing. I miss watching criminal minds.

"You screamed some words last night."

"Really? Didn't remember." I munched another bite of the biscuit.

She inhale a deep breathe, obviously annoyed. "Okay, let's do this the way we always did. You choose the topic."

I grinned, take a sip from my cold chocolate milk. My food this noon was all a guilty pleasure since I'm not actually allowed to eat or drink anything that contained chocolate. Doctor's order. But who the hell cares? Not me. And since I barely slept a wink last night, thanks to my parents and their interrogation, I forced my mom to bought me chocolate milk. Cold. And she obliged because, well, perhaps not because I begged her to, but because I haven't really ate anything for the last 2 days. Completely losing appetite. And she would buy me any food, if that means I would eat them. Or drink something that contains sugar so I'd at least drink something that produce glucose.

I clear my throat and say, "Let me tell you a story, doc."

"Well, I'd love to listen to stories. Any kind of story."

I chuckle, "You won't love this one."

I take another sip. Letting the milk slowly flow down from my mouth to my throat in the slowest way if that's possible.

"It all began, when one day, a boy who said that he loved a girl start to text another girl. A girl who only thought of him as a bestfriend and nothing more than someone that's nice to talk to. If there's something more, its probably she just had a feeling like he's a brother to her. Nothing more. No love in a romantic way, nothing. But then, the boy texted the girl way too much and asking with a way that's too caring for someone who already have a girlfriend. And beside, the girl already have a boyfriend too. She loved her boyfriend and he loved her."

I stop for a while.

"Okay this is getting hard. So I'll just say the names. The boy is Kon and his girlfriend is obviously Ayla. The girl Kon keep texting? Its Camilla Walker. The other boyfriend is Rhys. Now, this should be easier."

Dr. Irena chuckled a little.

"So yeah, Kon keep texting Camilla with that too many caring words. Camilla, being the thick headed and unaware of the things around her she is, thought it was just a normal thing friends would do. But slowly, she started to think its getting way too frequent. She told Ivy, and then Ivy said to be careful. Why? She didn't know, she didn't understand. She was just this naive girl back then, who purely thought that guys and girls could get along and be bestfriend without any romantic feelings. Let's just say she lost her naiveness the same day she lost her bestfriends."

I stared outside the window, saw two birds flying together. Smiled faintly, even birds are not flying alone.

"Ayla told Camilla a few times, too many times actually, to not be so friendly with Kon. He's Ayla's, not Camilla's. Camilla, she didn't understand, she listen, but then repeat the mistakes by texting with Kon, again and again. Don't think Camilla didn't try to give a cold shoulder to Kon because she did. She fucking did. But Kon keep talking normally, and finally she thought, 'why should I did that when he didn't do anything wrong?' Well, so much with texting everyday with your bestfriend boyfriend. Oh wait. I forgot, Camilla broke up with Rhys. After another fight of how Rhys felt like Camilla isn't enough. Camilla, she loved Rhys so much that she thought if she's not enough, she should just let him go and then maybe, he'll find a girl that's enough for him. And not long after, Kon and Ayla also broke up. Kon keep texting Camilla. Surprising? Yeah I guess not."

I give a thin smile to a shocked and wide eyed dr. Irena.

"One day, Camilla Amy Noel Kailee Ivy Kathelyn and Ayla were playing at Camilla's house, even though she reluctantly agreed. She's been alone a lot lately, well if any of them notice, since she dated Rhys. She distanced herself with her bestfriends and if Ivy didn't force it, she actually wouldn't come or let alone let them step in her house. But she did, and then they were talking. Its a ritual they did every time they hang at each other houses, truth or truth. This is a way they told each other the truth. The first real problem is: are their clique are gonna break up? They've been busy with their own life lately. They're playing with others that not their clique a lot lately; Allison, Summer and Sally. But then it changes when Ayla said to Camilla: 'I know you're jealous whenever I'm too close to Ivy' I sat next to Ivy that time, gave her a questioning look but still trying to remain calm and shrug it as a joke."

"You got jealous?"

I laughed. "All the time doc, all the time. Ivy did too. Is it weird? I know people thought it weird, we're bestfriends for god sakes. But I just can't help the feeling inside of me whenever I saw Ivy too close with, usually either Amy or Ayla. I guess I was that afraid of getting replaced. But then again, I wasn't worth to keep. Can we go back to the story?"

She nod. So I continue.

"Then we changed the topic to, guess what? Kon! I know, surprising right. Ayla started to tell the truth she kept hidden, that she was always and always will jealous of Camilla. Of how Camilla was more kind of a girl that Kon would like. How Camilla was so beautiful and smart and she's so scared that she'd lose Kon so she started to act like Camilla. But she then came to a realisation that if that what happened Kon would still like her because she's like Camilla. Ayla was sobbing and saying something that crush Camilla's heart. 'If you're jealous I'm that close with Ivy, take her. Don't take Kon. He's my boyfriend, Ivy's your bestfriend. He's all I got so please don't take him.' If that didn't break her heart, the next sentence sure do. 'I felt like you ruined my relationship with Kon.' That was the first time she ever called like that and it completely and utterly made Camilla felt like a bitch for never understanding Ayla's feeling. She swore to herself that she won't reply to any Kon text from that on."

I sighed, I ran out of tears to cry over this one matter I guess.

"The next week, suddenly, Ayla just brushed Camilla like she didn't exist. Ayla made it clear: she's cutting all ties she has with Camilla. At first, Camilla didn't notice. She keep talking to her like nothing happened, she stopped talking to Kon afterall. But then people, well lots, talked behind her back and saying things like 'imposter' 'attention seeker' stuff she didn't understand at first but slowly, they understood that it was for her. And just like that, she lost all of her so called bestfriend, her so called friend. Because of some dude falling for her even though he had a girlfriend. But then again, maybe it was just Camilla's fault. Everything that happened was her fault, how can it not?"

I laughed dryly,

"And those happened at the end of my second year till my third year in middle school. The year I finally lose all my naiveness and blindness. The year I finally know who truly cared and who pretended. The year, I lost everything and even lose myself."

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Its so long and I'm sorry if this chapter doesn't even make sense at all