us against the world.

Betrayal

a/n: guess who decide to made a double update? *smirk*

*

Record 8; Thursday, 30 June.

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"It was another Tuesday, another day after school. What different was what happened after school."

I take a deep breath. Inhale, exhale.

"Ivy took me to the third floor, to an un used room which contains few chairs and few desks. Rhys was in there. He said, 'I've been feeling something lately. Something I can't quite put into words. I never felt like this, but this feels good and I don't want this to end yet. So I've been wondering if you feel the same way as I do? Camilla, will you be my girlfriend?'"

I smiled.

"I remember getting tongue tied and froze the minute those death sentences left his mouth. Beside me, sat Ivy. I tried to search her eyes but I can't see anything. No anger, no pain, no happiness. Its like she became empty the moment she heard that. But she knew that it was coming. She was the one who brought me to that place where Rhys gathered his classmates and confessed after all."

I paused. Nearly choked on my tears.

"I can still remember it like yesterday. How I took a seat on the floor immediately the moment I entered the room, how he took a seat in front of me then look me in the eye, how I keep silent after those words left his mouth, how he asked if I need time to figure out the answers, how I finally stuttered some 'yeah' and then grab Ivy's hand then get the hell out of there."

Dr. Irena hand me some tissues and a glass of water. I take the tissues, wipe my eyes, throw it away, then take the glass and hold it. I don't even take a sip, I just feel like I needed a firm grip on something. Just so I won't feel lost.

"The next day was like drama series. Rhys classmates, Seth and Collin keep yelling at me during sports. Collin was all around the school asking when I'd answer Rhys. I keep running. Then, school ended. I promised Rhys that I would answer him after school. I was scared like hell. Here I have a jock that's loved by everyone at school and I was about to break his heart by saying no and probably labeled as slut by giving up hopes to him when in the end, I just gonna break his heart. Well, that was the original plan. Break his heart."

I finally decide to take a sip of that water from the glass I've been holding tightly.

"So I was gonna went to the cafeteria where he already waited, when Ayla called me out. She said, 'Camilla its okay to be selfish sometimes. Look, I was selfish and said yes to Kon even though I know Noel also liked him' as if she knew I was having a personal debate with myself."

Dr. Irena knit her eyebrows and cut me, "Kon?"

"Yeah. Oh I haven't mention him? Konstantin Lyngard. Ayla's boyfriend and previously was both Noel's and Ayla's crush. Turns out he likes Ayla."

"Wait. There's this triangle love between Noel-Ayla-Konstantin and then Camilla-Ivy-Rhys?"

I laughed dryly, "Believe me, even we were confused."

"Well yeah that sure is confusing." She then wave her hand to signal me to continue where I left off.

"Okay so, I was already made up my mind to say no but the conversation with Ayla happened blablabla I was babbling nonsense in front of him blablabla and somehow and another, I ended up saying yes."

I laughed sarcastically at my own story. If only I was brave enough to say no, all of this mess won't happen.

"When we left the cafeteria, Collin and Ivy were talking and waiting for us. They looked at us and them beamed with a smile. Ivy hugged me. I actually thought, back then, that its all gonna be okay."

"Its normal to wish for things to get better."

"See, the thing is it never is okay since the beginning. The fact that I missed was, Ivy crying her hearts out the moment she got home. And me, being the stupid ignorant girl to her bestfriend, I play along with Ivy's facade that she's fine."

I cried again.

"Why did I say yes? Was it so hard to say, 'No Rhys sorry but I don't think of you like that.' I guess I regret that relationship since day one."

"You don't love him then?"

"No, I do love him. I guess I just love Ivy more."

I stared blankly to the windows. It looks like its pretty windy outside, but still sunny.

"Since that day, everything changed. I know better not to talk about my relationship with Rhys, so I never did. When I was happy because his stupidness, his not so funny jokes, his guitar playing, his voice on the phone. I keep silent. Not even talked about it to anyone on my clique. I had 2 boys I considered like an older brother back then, it was Alec and Kon. But Alec got angry with me when I told him that I said yes and become Rhys girlfriend, so we kinda drift off. Kon, was the only one that I could talk about without fear of getting judged because I steal my best friend's crush. So when I feel like talk about something about Rhys, I'll talk to Kon. I was so scared that if I said anything to anyone in our clique, they would talk behind my back. Or hate me. I don't know which is worse."

"How about Ivy?"

"We.. We lost ourselves, that's for sure. Beside that, I guess we both were trying so hard to not lose each other."

Dr. Irena stared intently at me.

"Is it possible to be heartbroken when you're the one at fault?"

I blurt that question suddenly. Surprising both dr. Irena and myself. She then looks like she's thinking the answer.

"I guess its not. I guess its not heartbroken you feel, but rather regret."

"But why does it feel so painful when I look back through all of the mistakes I've done? Ivy, Rhys, my clique. Why is it feel like my heart was being torn to pieces every time I remembered that I was the one who caused that? Why does regret feel so much like you got yourself heart broke?"

"Just like when you got your heart broke, you wish to go back in time. To change that one moment where you start feeling something inside your heart for a certain person, then change it so you won't get your heart broken. Regret, on the other hand, was when you also wish to go back in time and return to that one moment and change it. Just change it so the outcome would be different. See, they're not so different aren't they?"

I remain silent. Maybe she's right. All this time, what chained me to my past and keeps me haunted was that regrets. That feeling of sad, broken and angry at the same time, but its actually your own fault.

Maybe.