us against the world.

Karma?

Record 7; Tuesday, 28 June.

-

"Looking back, very very back then, We had a habit actually. Ivy and I."

I said slowly as I stirred my food that placed on a tray on the table in front of me now. Its a chicken porridge, which usually I'll eat the second it was served. But I haven't had much appetite lately. Instead, I take the tall glass that contain hot sweet tea so that at least my stomach is being filled with something and that I won't add anymore medicine on my doctor list.

"Which is what?"

She handed me a fruit pie that's still in its package. Talk about bribing, she could've handed me millions of this and I probably wouldn't ever stop talking about Ivy and all other problems I keep.

"We used to stay up late at nights just to talk to each other. Chatting."

I open the package and take a first bite. Its so freaking good. The base of the pastry had a chocolate layer, then the filling then fruits. Its actually the pie I've only tasted once before this and I loved so much. But hard to find.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Actually she kind of had trouble sleeping I guess. She always slept late. So I, the good kid who always slept at 9pm, tried to stay up a little later and accompany her." I answered while chewing another bite of this unbelievably delicious chocolate-fruit-pie

She chuckles, "Look at you now. You barely even slept at all now don't you?"

I stop chewing and send her a deathly glare, which only produce more laugh from her peach coloured lips.

"Well. We stayed up late, I fell asleep first most of the time, then we did that all over again."

It was a ridiculously happy times. Back then was always a happy times, back then everything was simple.

"Until one day, I'm the only one who's up. Waiting for her name to show up on my phone screen."

Then, there's a silence.

"What did you guys usually talked about?"

"Oh well, lets see. Each other problems, songs, movies, stuff like that. Err actually, looking back, I think all we ever talked about is a trivial things. Not much of that is important. But sometimes I only remembered the little things that aren't actually very important and forgot the important ones so.. Yeah."

"You're kind of forgetful aren't you?"

"Kinda."

Then there's silence, again, for a while.

"Even though we didn't chat throughout the night anymore, we still talked to each other everyday. And it actually scares me to the point that I kept thinking whether its because she knew I need her so she kept talking to me or was there a possibility that she needed me too?"

Dr. Irena's face change. She looked like she was about to say something but then decided not to.

"I always felt like I'm too dependant. Like I'm too clingy. Maybe I was, maybe I'm not I don't know. I feel, ever since back then and even until now, that I'm the one who always need her the most. And it almost as if she didn't need me at all. Like even if I gone it won't matter to her. Like I was so.."

I nearly choked on my own saliva letting that word out of my mouth. The word I keep feeling,

"Replaceable."

Dr. Irena that was scribbling words on her clipboard, snap her head to look at me.

"Don't say that. You're not, no one is replaceable. People are unique in their own way and so are you."

I laughed cynically, "If I am oh-so irreplaceable, why does she left? Why did she make it seems like the easiest thing in the world? You know she used to say she never left me no matter what lies, how hurt she was by that, was because she need me. So she left that can only mean one thing right? She didn't need me. If she ever does, she doesn't need me anymore."

"People walk away for a reason Camilla."

"Hell yeah. She walked away because of what I did. I already said so in our session before this; I lied too many times. I told her million times before to her, she got to leave. She got to leave if she's angry she just have to leave and just ditch me just forget me but she didn't do that. I told her to."

"Because-"

"No don't cut me. She didn't leave. She said it was because she still needs me. The thing she never put in her thoughts were, if she didn't leave I'll just end up caring and loving her more than I already did and that would cause me to need her more than I was. I never meant to hurt her god!"

I screech and pull my hair to it roots. It hurts oh my god it hurts so much.

"I never meant to betrayed her trust I never meant to did that I never meant to lie I never want to lose her."

I cried. Like, literally poured all of my tears out.

"She was everything I had you know. And when I lost her, way back when I fell in love with Rhys, I also lost myself. And I keep losing her, she keep slipping out of my fingertips. I don't know what to do. I don't but I swear I never meant any of those things I loved her too much."

Dr. Irena sighed,

"Let me continue. Because she never left you should've treated her better. But you didn't and now you can only regret. And you can't even blame her for leaving because you know better why she did. You can't blame yourself for the rest of your life either. In the end, we humans really are weak. We crave for love and warmth, but become greedy when we got a little taste of it. You were just a kid back then, she was a kid, Rhys was also a kid, all of your friends were too. None of you knew what was gonna happen in the future, nor does any of you cared. Heck kids your age shouldn't even think about love, or why your parents fight. Its just.. You all grew up a little too soon."

She don't understand. If I can't blame her, or myself, who's left to blame then? Its obviously my fault. Everything that happened was my fault. I keep making mistakes and not learning anything from that. Why? I don't understand either. All I knew, mistakes that you made on your past will always find a way to haunt you either ways. You can never run. I knew because I spent my whole life running from that one mistakes. And the results? I fell to many other mistakes.

-
I know. Its kind of weird how Camilla blame Ivy for one minute but then blame herself the next second but I promise you'll see why its like that.
Updating irregularly is my thing I guess I'm so moody sometimes I'm scaring myself. Anyway I don't want to rant so I'll just say uhm vote and comments? Thanks:]
(I love that emoji its like a robot smile)