us against the world.

Soulmatch

Record 3; Tuesday, 14 June.

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"You changed the air freshener scent."

"Yeah. Citrus. You can't keep having a panic attack every time you're in here."

"Well, thank you. I guess."

"So. I heard you fought again with your parents. Why?"

Considering that question hillarious, I keep silent and choose to look outside, which turn out to be some kind of a mini park. I took notes inside my head that I would walk around it when I get the chance to.

"What flowers do you like, Camilla?"

"Well that's pretty out of the topic."

"Its not like you gonna answer my previous question."

"True that."

"So what is it?"

"What is what?"

"What's your favourite flowers?"

Sighing. I give her an A for persistency she have and a damn F- for understanding others feeling.

"Lillies, tuberoses, and sunflowers." I can't help the little smile I had when I mention sunflowers.

"What's up with sunflowers?"

Yep. I'm not that lucky I guess.

"Its just that its also Ivy's favorite."

"Yeah? What are her favorites?"

"Tulips, orchids and sunflowers." It still amaze me how she could write so fast almost everything I said. Well, its not like I know exactly what is it that she wrote.

And then, she put her clipboard on her sofa after she stand up. Then, she walks towards the bookshelf and took a small framed photo.

"Come here Camilla." I stand up and walk towards her then start to look at the picture she's holding.

"See this was my clique back there in college. Me, Drew, Sara, Damian, and Bea. Bea here dyed her hair occasionally." She point different person with each name she said. Smiling fondly at the photo.

I always notice that fiery hair and grass green eyes; dr. Irena. Drew have a brown hair and brown eyes. Sara and Damian both have blonde hair and bright hazel eyes. Bea though, as dr. Irena said changed her hair colours all the time. In this picture it was pale blonde, like platinum. But her eyes are a beautiful mix between blue and green.

"They are my, I believe, is what you call a soulmatch. In this case, soulmatches. Plural." Her grip on the picture frame become firmer and her smile a little sadder.

"What's a soulmatch doc?"

"Well, its a weird word and you definitely won't find it inside a dictionary. But I've always liked how it sounds. Not a soulmate, but a soulmatch. Like you find another soul that matches with your own, it's like they didn't tame you. Instead they are wild things that ran along with you. And once you find it, they're irreplaceable. Because of them, you can believe that days are gonna get better. And they also make your smile a little wider, laugh a little louder, live a little better."

"So basically, a soulmatch is just a best friend?"

"You're making my wise word seems so simple by saying that."

I laughed. Looking at the picture and feeling some tears start to form in my eyes.

"Then, I guess, I do too have a soulmatches." I whisper softly. Half wishing she doesn't hear, but also wishing she does.

"Tell me about them." She look to my way and smile.

"Well," I walk towards the sofa. Thinking if I'm gonna tell this story might as well drink some tea to calm my nerves first. Not long after, dr. Irena followed my steps back after putting the photo back to that bookshelf.

"I met them during junior high, obviously. We're pretty close since the first month and kind of made it official that we're best friend on.. uh october I guess? Yeah october. 19 october 2012. There was 7 of us. Me, Noel, Amy, Kailee, Ivy, Kathelyn, and Ayla. We are best friends. Er sorry, were. Got it all mess up in here.. Sorry." I try to laugh but all that came out was some sort of strangled sound.

"We started doing everything together; birthday surprises, assignments, homeworks with partners, basically, every thing. But uh you know, I've never been one to easily label someone as my best friend. It was 6 years back in grade school, and I only had like 2 best friend. They slowly forgot me and replace me so yeah. Anyway, when I suddenly got 6 of them I remember thinking 'how the hell could I take care of them?' You know, because best friends take care of each other, right?"

I could feel tears that forming in my eyes are starting to make its way out. So I duck my head down as I continue, with a voice like a whisper, scared I might talk and give away that I am crying.

"Turns out it was hard. Like I thought. When you're happy you gotta tell 6 of them, also when you're sad and stuff so none of them felt left out. But I guess that's the beauty of us, we tell each other everything. Or so I thought. And suddenly I found myself not as hard as I used to in labelling people as best friend. How can it be hard when they're the one who's always beside you when you needed them? When you're down and they just made you laugh until you cry, your stomach hurt and you beg them to stop? When they defended you, when they listen to you? When.."

I'm sobbing and it sucks. Crying and talking are not made to be one because you'll get choked up when you try to talk while crying.

"When they love you for who you are." dr. Irena sudden word shock me. That was definitely what I was gonna say, and when I look up at her she was also in verge of tears. Like she feel the pain that I'm in right now. After that I stop for a second, then continue.

"I failed to tell them that 3 years ago. I guess they hated me, or what I don't know. I never told them I.. I just wish with how long we've been best friend they know why I did this, why I became like that, I just-God I miss them doc I miss them and I love them! How could they not know that? How could they didn't see that I really needed them? I tried my best, I know its not enough, but I always tried my best to do what's right. I always tried to be the 'best friend' that they need. I tried, but in the end its still wasn't enough."

And look where it got me not telling them I love them. 3 years later, telling my therapist about them in her freaking therapist room. How much I want to go back in time and fix everything.

"I was always making a mess back then, hell I'm myself was a mess. But they stayed anyway. Only that time when I needed them I guess, was the only time they didn't. Yes, I walked away. But some of them actually did notice why. Its just sadden me that they didn't came to me and ask me why. Or tried to reach out. Or maybe its just me that being so selfish. Too blind to see what my best friends are going through. Being a damn attention seeker, I don't know. I don't even blame them anymore, I can't. I mean can you seriously blame anyone in this situation? You can't. Still, with my human selfishness, I wish they knew."

"Knew what, Camilla?"

"This," I point to the cam corder that's always recording my session.

"The words I failed to tell them. Too scared to say and hear their responses. So I turn my head around and walk away. Pretend its easy. It never was. Never will. When you walk away from people you cared and love its not gonna be easy. Hell, you won't even happy for a while. But then you do. You'll smile, you'll laugh. With emptiness inside you. Slowly eating you away with all those words stuffed inside you."

I can't even remember when was the last time I talk to them? What was the words I said? Were they nice or were they bad? Was it truth or was it lies?

"In the end doc, all I know is they never failed to make me smile. They used to."

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Im not that creative I swear I'll do better.
Vote and comment maybe? That'd be nice *smile awkwardly* oh well