Sickening

Chapter 4

It had been days since my little meltdown, and the days have.. changed slightly.

The routine hasn't physically changed, it just feels different now. I feel different around Elias. I feel things I shouldn't be feeling. I always caught myself admiring whatever he was doing, actively seeking him out just to watch him. It was creepy, I know.

He also.. touched me more. Not in a weird way, there was just always that sense of physical touch to keep me grounded like a hand hold, or a soft caress to my back or a gentle pat on my head. I didn't know what was happening, but I was growing more infatuated with him each day. It was almost the two week mark now, and I was fully comfortable in this house.

We went out over the weekend to get me some new clothes cause after he said it was fine that I was taking his, I wouldn't stop. Bad habits, get rid of them. He didn't seem angry with me, he just laughed about it and decided to take me out to get clothes of my own.

It was the first time I was leaving the house in two weeks, and I was nervous but Elias was there with me so I didn't have to worry too much. That's another thing that's popped up recently as well, I found safety and comfort in Elias. He felt like my rock when I wasn't strong enough to keep myself up. I felt bad about making him pay but there wasn't much I could do to contribute anyways so I told him I'd repay him by doing some house chores to which he dismissed and said he loved spoiling me.

He loves spoiling me. I couldn't help but feel giddy when I heard him say it.

My first time leaving the house after being officially out of the hospital was nice. It went well, no doubt all because of Elias.

Being comfortable in the house and around Elias now meant I was prone to more breakdowns. I didn't want to scare him away, but he told me to be honest about my feelings and if I was going to have a meltdown down then all I needed to do was tell him and let him help me. It was... nice. To be able to rely on another person.

It was around the middle of the third week where we had both grown a little comfortable and I had forgotten to take my pills, and he had forgotten about them too. I tried to help him make breakfast and ended up burning my hand on the stovetop. I tried to help him with his laundry because I felt bad that I had dirtied all of his clothes but I dropped the bottle of fabric softener and it exploded all over the laundry room floor.

When he offered to watch TV, I agreed and grabbed the remote only to drop it and break the backing off of it, the batteries strewn across the hardwood floor. I stubbed my toe, I ripped my shirt, and I was not in a good headspace.

He only realized we both had forgotten about my meds after I started hysterically crying on the living room floor, repeating over and over how hard it was to do anything. He knew what to do. Of course he did. He hushed me and sat on the floor beside me, his hand resting on my thigh. He'd been doing that a lot lately, covering my thighs so I don't scratch them nervously.

"Can I touch you?" He asked calmly, his hand retracting for a moment. Still ugly crying, my knees pulled up to my chest, I lifted my head and continued to cry as I looked at him. I nodded and immediately crawled into his open arms. I curled up in his lap willingly and cried into his chest as he held me. "It's okay, we all have bad days," He reasoned. "You didn't take your meds, it's only proper you're feeling this way."

A gasp crawled up my throat. "My m-meds? O-oh god, I'm so sorry.. I forgot, I'm sorry.. I promised I wouldn't get bad like that again, I promise I'm trying..!" I begged him to believe me. "I know you are, shh.. it's okay," Elias hummed, rocking us slightly as he rubbed my back. "He hates me, he hates me because I did bad things, and it's repeating.. and I don't want you to hate me, I want you to like me," I huffed, my breathes irregular and shallow.

"I do like you, Theodore.." Elias simply reminded me. I needed reminders when I was in this kind of headspace. "Who's he?" He calmly asked. I swallowed, my hands that were balled up in between our chests started to shake as I fought the urge to scratch all of my skin off my bones. "My- my brother.." I got out. Elias nodded and he didn't speak further on the subject, noticing how touchy it was.

Instead, he clumsily stood up from the floor, his strong arms holding me up. He placed me down on the couch and started walking off. "W-where are you going? Can I come? I don't want to be alone," I whispered anxiously. "I'm going to get your pills, I'll be two seconds.." He assured me before quickly leaving. I watched the door until he came back and when he did I wanted to bury myself in his warm embrace again.

He dumped three pills into his palm from the Sunday box and placed the container down. He gave me the pills and the glass of water, and he could read the unwillingness on my face. "They'll make you feel better," He tried to urge me. "If not for yourself, take them for me. I like seeing you healthy," Elias smiled. I caved in, downing all three pills at once and placing the water aside. "Good, I'm proud.." Elias whispered.

He's proud. He said I'm good. A small smile stretched across my face. "Can we.." I trailed off, looking unsure. "Anything, what do you want?" He prompted me. "Can we lay together... please?" I asked quietly. He smiled, a genuinely fond smile and nodded. "Sure, how do you feel up in here?" He asked me, poking my head sillily. It bubbled a small giggle up my throat. "Good, better.." I assured and he seemed happy with my answer.

He climbed onto the couch beside me and I shuffled over to make room for him. When he was lying beside me, I wanted to wrap my arms around him, I wanted him to hold me. Please like me.

"Can I hold you?" He mumbled into the quiet room. I instantly threw myself on him instead of answering, wrapping my arms around him and snuggling into his warmth. He was so warm. "I'll take that as a yes," He chuckled, his arms settling around my waist. My waist.

Stop it, Theodore.

****

It was more now. In the span of three weeks I had stupidly fallen hopelessly for someone I barely knew. I can't say that anymore though, because now I know a lot about him. I know his favourite colour, his favourite movie, his favourite meal, his ideal work day. I knew a lot now.

Maybe for him and for me to an extent, we were really good friends that touched a lot and hugged and cuddled. It seemed like more to my messed up brain. I slept in his bed a lot now. I would usually find him in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and crawl into his arms, my safe space. I loved his warmth.

I liked him. I liked him a lot. But, I wouldn't call it love yet. That word scared me. A lot of people used the word to get to me and fuck even more with my already fucked up head, so I would make sure I truly loved Elias before using that word.

Does he like me? Of course he does, he reminds me everyday, but does he like me how I like him? Only he would know. I hope he does, because I want him in more ways than one.

It sounded so messed up when I admitted it. Three weeks. I've known him for three weeks and I'm thinking about him this way. What the fuck is wrong with me? A lot.