Sickening

Chapter 5

Not being able to sleep wasn't a new thing for me.

I stared up at the dark ceiling, left with nothing but my thoughts in the silence. Recently, I had been having troubles sleeping in my own room and usually found myself knocking at Elias' door, because he always let me lay in his arms.

And his arms are safe.

I knew I was getting too attached, and it was too soon but what was I supposed to do? We live together, there's not much I can do to avoid him. Maybe I should try to stay away from him, for his own good. I don't want to hurt him, cause then he'll stop liking me.

I slipped out of my sheets, my bare feet cold against the hardwood floor. Softly padding up to my door, I thought about what excuse I'd use this time. I quickly snuck down the hallway to the master bedroom, not bothering to knock. He told me I could just come in. I closed the door behind me and turned around to see Elias half asleep, sprawled out over his bed. "Theo?" He slurred.

"Hi," I mumbled. So much for staying away. I couldn't stay away even if I tried. I walked to the end of the bed, crawling up to the headboard where his head was. "Can I sleep in here?" I asked quietly. "Yeah, of course, are you okay?" He asked me, pulling back the sheets for me to get in. He knew about my emotional attachment to him, and he fed into it. "I'm fine," I sighed, crawling into his arms.

"Okay," He huffed, holding me close to his chest just how I liked it. He's so warm. I relaxed against him, my arms sliding around his torso as my nose slightly tickled the crook of his neck. "Get some sleep," He whispered, and the kiss he pressed into my head had me wide awake and tense. I don't think I fell asleep for another hour. I listened to him breathe and inhaled his scent until I was drunk on it.

I wanted to return the favour, I was just too embarrassed to do it while he was awake, so when I was sure he was sleeping, I pressed my lips to the skin of his neck. It was only a small peck, but still made me nervous. Please don't stop liking me.

****

I didn't want to get up. This is the comfiest I think I've ever been, and I snuggled closer to the warmth. I peeked my eyes open to take in the bright room and I immediately remembered where I was because I never leave my curtain open. I glanced up to see Elias's brown eyes already looking at me. He smiled softly, his fingertips grazing my cheek.

I let myself fall victim to his ministrations, closing my eyes again. "You're a pretty sleeper," He complimented nonchalantly. "You were watching me sleep?"

"Maybe," he shrugged softly.

"And I thought I was the crazy one." He laughed at my attempt at a joke.

"We're all a little messed up," He hummed.

I found I liked his eyes on me, and his hands. I want to see more of this relaxed Elias, I want him to touch me more. Please like me.

"I'm sorry for crawling into your bed almost every night, I know that's not what you signed up for.." I winced. "It's fine, I quite like having another person beside me, makes me feel less lonely." "You don't have a girlfriend or anything?" I asked, almost surprised. "No, I guess I just haven't found the right person yet."

It baffled me that he wasn't dating anyone, I mean who wouldn't want him? He's tall, handsome, deathly kind.. but at the same time, hearing his lack of a partner made me hopeful inside. For some weird reason.

"Oh," I supplied. "What?" He laughed. "Well I just thought that someone like you would.. I don't know, excel in the dating area. I mean you're already good at everything else?" He laughed at my words. "I'm not one to just jump into a relationship if I think they're pretty, I wanna like someone for their everything which takes time to learn about."

That makes sense. I don't even know why I'm excited at the chance to be with him. I don't even know if he likes boys. It felt like a high school crush, and I felt like the fan girl.

"What about you? Any girlfriends?" I pondered over my answer. "One, in high school.. she was.. fine, but she was the reason I found out about my preference." I explained. "And what is your preference?" I bit my lip. "Boys," I mumbled. Please like me. I expected him to pull away or kick me out of his room but he did non of the above, instead he smiled. "Are you hiding your disappointment..?" I hesitantly asked. He laughed again. I seemed to be good at making him laugh.

"No, nothing's wrong with liking boys, Theo.. I'm bisexual myself, if it makes you feel better to know.. nothing's wrong with you.." I could agree to disagree but I let him think I believed with him. He's likes boys, I found myself smiling. He could like me.

"Are you hungry? I have the day off so we can have a lazy day if you want?" He pondered. I nodded excitedly, resting my head on his chest again. "What do you want for breakfast?" He asked me and as I thought about my answer, I found that I couldn't answer because his hand slid up my shirt to rest on my back, and I could feel the heat radiating from his palm. "Theodore?" He hummed, lifting my head with his free hand. He started to rub his hand up and down and I couldn't pretend it didn't do things to me.

"Hm?" I hummed drowsily. "I asked you what you want for breakfast," He giggled, as if knowing what his touch did to me. "Oh, um.. pancakes?" I gave my answer, which was the first breakfast food that popped into mind. "Okay," he sighed, pulling me against him again. "Let's just stay here for a moment," He suggested to which I wholeheartedly agreed. I never wanted to leave his arms.

But eventually he removed himself from under me to start breakfast, walking a couple steps before I stopped him. "Wait, five more minutes.?" I asked, grabbing his arm. His features softened at my voice and he closed the small gap in between us again, sitting down in front of me. All he did was run his fingers over my cheeks but I couldn't look away from his face. I felt the sudden urge to press my lips to him, and I ignored it.

I moved my head back and he looked a little surprised. My eyes left him and I looked down, sitting out of his reach. In the end, this was going to end with either one or both of us hurt. I should just stop, avoid my feelings, prevent him from getting hurt. "You should get started on breakfast," I mumbled, crawling over the bed and standing up. I've never seen him look so confused, and I needed to escape from his heavy stare.

I quickly left the room and closed myself in my own room. I was left with my thoughts for an hour or so, and the main thing I thought about was how I hated how I did that.

The smell of food lured me out of my room and I found myself nervous to face Elias after I left his room. I decided to act unbothered and sit down at the island counter calmly. He didn't say anything at first, dishing pancakes out for the both of us. When he was done he placed my plate in front of me. "Thank you," I mumbled, looking down at the two pancakes. He hummed, placing syrup in front of me and handing me a fork and knife.

"Are you okay?" He asked me, coming to sit beside me with his own plate. I tensed, distracting myself with cutting up my pancakes. "Mhm," I answered with. "Are you sure? It seems like you're going to have a meltdown.. was it something I said?... or did?" He questioned and I looked over at him. Our eyes met and my jaw clenched. "No, I'm fine.. no meltdown," I forced a small smile, my skin itching. I refused the urge to scratch at my skin.

"Okay.." He tentatively said, letting the situation go. Breakfast was awkward that morning, and I kept finding my hand on my thigh, dark red lines scratched into my pale skin.