TW: THESE ARE ALL NOTES FROM THE PAST YEAR TALKING ABOUT MY ED,ANXIET, SH AND OTHER THINGS OF THAT NATURE PLEASE STAY SAFE!
If you do decide to read please know you don't have to read it all
February 26th 2023: 9:48pm ya know for such a small cut it really takes away pain. Sure it might sting it feels so good. It's an escape from the world and everything else.
3-19-23 I had a panic attack and we're right back to where we started 3 weeks ago. I got better and now we're right back to starving myself and cutting I'm fine, I'm sure I'll be fine, I just want summer to come already so I can go and be a teenager, leave the house early come back late. Get stoned and make out in abandoned places, thrift shops and laughing at the beach. But for now I'm stuck at school, dunno how many weeks but we're getting there.
3-28-23 8:05pm
I'm in moms new jeep. Dunno if you recall last Monday when you crashed but yeah we crashed at the 4 way intersection in hall Rd. But that's not why I'm writing I'm writing cause like always I'm having an anxiety attack. I realized my mom doesn't know what it looks like or the signs but still idk. I'm just really mad at myself I've been eating both but shit for the last 3 days. We had fatty hotdogs yesterday,pizza Sunday and chicken tenders Saturday and I feel awful. I tried so hard. Not eating and when I do it's little. It's not a lot and I hate it. I hate the fact Charlie is skinny and handsome and fucking cis passing as a dude. And then there's me I'm big, like Horrifyingly so. All the other girls you can see their ribs or they have just enough meat to cover it. Me I'm big I'm fat and ugly as hell. I haven't even come out and all my clothes are feminine as fuck
6-8-23
Charlie and I are texting back and forth and just spilling out emotions. And I feel bad but whatever. Also I can tell something bad is gonna happen an I'm scared that I'm gonna have an episode and people are gonna laugh. I'm scared and I wanna hide myself in a bathroom till it's time to leave. My head is full of intrusive thoughts and I'm scared I'm gonna give in. And I'm really overwhelmed and I wanna cry. I can feel the tears threatening to come out and i feel an anxiety attack is gonna happen but I have to suppress it cause people will think I'm weird or crazy.
6-10/11-23
I'm freaking out and I wanna cut but I've been so good and about 3 weeks clean. God dam it- I just wanna be okay bur nothings okay. God dam it I wanna feel like I belong. I think I've just been sad for so long I think I'm fine and then I realize I'm fine. Really it all gets added on like a compound. It all comes in waves and my morning i learn to mask it. I really wanna just kill myself. But I can't cause something stops me every fucking time. I don't know if it's Emily or a spirit Bur something. Something is keeping me going and I hate it. I wanna die in the worst way possible.
6-12-23
Made a bad decision. I'm gonna freak out I can feel it. I can tell it's cause I ate. I feel full and I don't like it. I'm gonna cry I don't care I feel like crying until I die of lack of oxygen.
Sometime during the 3rd week of June
11:32pm
Dear diary, I don't think anyone actually likes me anymore. I don't think anyone actually thinks I'm cool to hang out with or be around. I don't think people actually care. They just need me as a conversation starter or to break the silence. I think I made Charlie mad. And I hate myself for it. I wanna relapse. Really bad. Everything feels like shit. Everyone hates me. My head feels heavy and I wanna see what happens if I cut. Mabey it will make it all go away. Nothing too bad just a scratch. Something to last a day. Mabey even only a few hours. I'm just so god dam Tierd and I feel like if I say anything it will tear down a friendship. So I'm just gonna go to sleep and pray that my morning Charlie forgives me. I'll probably say sorry tomorrow. When I feel better. And not like killing myself for the millionth time this month. I don't think they realize how much pain I'm in. That it's all a joke to them. Then again I'm not in the best mindset ao goodnight. I'll update if I end up cutting
June 22nd 23
3:08pm: I'm gonna kill emily. I don't even fucking know what to do with her (9-30-23 yeahhh we cut her off) anymore. She's so fucking lost and she doesn't know when to take a fucking joke or when to realize it was her bad. Cause no it's never her bad. I always fuck up. It's always me. I don't even fucking care anymore after all these are my notes. I don't fucking care about her dumb druggie mom or brother anymore. I don't fucking care if she finds my shit 'offensive'. Fuck I don't really care about alleyah anymore. Yeah it's her birthday and yeah we're all sad but girl. I don't wanna sound like your dad but it was a while ago.
6-23-23
11:19am: it's one of those bad eating days ig- I can't eat the pizza...
7-5-23
I don't know how to feel but I'm turning 13 in 3 days and I'm scared but also exited. But we're going to aquatica (not something I wanted to do but my mom seemed to be set on the idea. God fucking dam it another year another persuasion to do something that I don't want too.
7-8-23
Dear diary It's my 13th birthday. I remember last year these walls were blank. Boxes were everywhere and I only had my bed made. And over time I made it a room of my own. Last years birthday sucked. And I mean sucked. Nothing was okay that year. And I know I should be grateful but my mom kinda signed us up for something I didn't wanna do my sister got heat stroke and then we got Chick-fil-A for lunch. They had to run out to target to grab some last second things for my birthday the day OF my birthday. And yet they had time to get fireworks. Didn't decorate the outside of my room either. This year I have a gut feeling isn't gonna be any different. She was persistent on going to the water park. I just wanted to hang out with my best and only friend anymore here and lounge around. Mabey go out for dinner. But she has to have some big event. I don't get it. But I went along with it cause well- It's not like I've ever had a say in anything about my birthday but that's okay.
7-13-23
11:45pm Dear diary, I'm 13 now but I don't get treated any differently. In fact I feel like I'm being babied. I still can't hang out with teenagers. Like there's only a 3 year gap and I'm still treated like a baby. I don't wanna be treated like an adult but idk. Everyone trauma dumping on me kinda sucks. The only Gc I had to talk to people about my Interest I was told I was too young (I'm a year off) so. I just hate myself rn I guess. I feel like. When Charlie gets back from elks we're gonna stop talking and just like that I have no friends to hang out with at school. Whatever I'll just deal with it oh my own. I wish someone were here with me rn. I might write to Charlie I don't know.
11:56pm I didn't-
12:00am i did. Im gonna now stare at my ceiling for 4 hours and then sleep (9-30-23 and you did just that)
7-27-23
11:03 am. I feel really fucking sick right now. Like I need sugar my body feels like it could collapse At any second. Charlie's mom was gonna drop me off at home but then pierce took to fucking long and now I'm sitting in the god dam car waiting for my mom. My hands are really shakey and I feel like crying and I'm scared that if I shut my eyes I won't wake up okay. I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna ducking pass out WHATBTHE FICK I feel so light headed
10-3-23
So- I realized that when people talk about me, try and make me feel better it's always "your a great listener" and nothing else. Like- is that all I'm ever good for? Being a listener when your feeling like shit? Really?! God I hate people so much
11-14-23
12:30 pm
Been a minute but I'm at Lewis carol getting the twins, we have to put cash down. I'm not scared of deaths and I know he'll be with us in spirit form. And when I join the sky and take my final breath he'll be there. Smiling and doing his happy taps
Sometime in late November
Y'all ever just lay awake wishing that someone was there to talk to about nothings. Like. Not a friend but the idea of a full blown relationship is scary, like I don't want to be "boyfriends" or have a girlfriend where we kiss ALLL the time or have to be touching all the time, just the idea that somebody's there to talk to, someone who just gets you like nobody else. Someone you can tell your secrets to and they won't tell anyone else. But not a best friend. There needs to be a word for it. Somebody who's like a partner but your not on top of each other all the time. I dunno if it's just the fact I always end up in toxic relationships or I'm just really lonely but- yeah.
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So yeah, those are my notes. Or at least major events that happend in my life. 1770 words
