No More Tomorrows

Chapter 32: I'd quit

I closed my eyes briefly as I thought of everything I'd been through with Grant since we broke up. I wasn't sure where to start because so much had happened, I decided to just ask. Opening my eyes again I looked across at his calm face "Do you want the long version or the short version? It's a lot."

He refilled my wine glass and his water glass and gave me his full attention.

"I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me. I'm in no rush and we've got our main course plus dessert to get through yet. If you're not done by then I'm happy to listen over coffee, or if it becomes too much we can pause and you can pick it up another day. Sweetness it's up to you to share as much or as little as you like." 

I took a deep breath and began.

"You already know that I decided not to reconcile. I'm now kind of ashamed to admit that I did think about taking him back. I spent hours listening to pod casts, reading books and sitting with my thoughts, trying to decide whether I could forgive him and share a future with him." 

I felt my hands start to shake so I clasped them in my lap. I could see Aidan watching me closely and didn't want him to think I was weak for how this conversation was affecting me. I couldn't help my reaction to those first few months. They were beyond awful.

"We met up in a local park the day I officially ended things. It was a place we used to visit a lot when we were in high school and again when we were home visiting his parents. It was a public place which made me feel more comfortable than either of our apartments and it was also the place where we started, some part of me felt it was appropriate that it would be where we ended."

He gave me a small head nod to show he was listening so I continued. I reached for my water glass and took a large swallow. My mouth feeling dry at the thought of talking about what happened. 

"I had decided after meeting with Bess that we were 100% through. She informed me that he was still spending time in the club and taking Roxy into a backroom. When we met that day he acted like we were meeting up for a nice chat, he had brought snacks and seemed to be in a great mood. When I explained everything to him, he again tried to spin it as something he was doing for me. He could not see his part in our destruction and I'd reached the point where I didn't want to keep trying. We argued. It got loud and a jogger intervened." 

As I said this last part I felt Aidan's body stiffen.

"He didn't put his hands on you did he? I'll fucking kill him." 

"Oh no, nothing like that. He was just refusing to accept we were done and was yelling at me and for once I yelled back. A nice man checked on me and not long afterwards I left." 

The waitress arrived with our meals and I paused my story to let Aidan serve me a portion of each pasta and top up my water glass again.  

"It was like he couldn't see his own actions for what they were. He'd justified everything to himself because he claimed it was to better our future. He saw his cheating as a one off the night he actually had sex with her. I didn't. I saw his cheating as starting the moment he lied to me about where he was spending his time and who he was with. He'd touched her intimately countless times before the night they had sex and then come home to me. I couldn't stomach the thought of that possibly happening again and knew I had to walk away. What he seemed to not realise was I never needed a big house or fancy cars. He'd known me since I was a teenager and still didn't seem to understand that the only thing I really wanted was his time and affection." 

I gave a sad shrug and ate a few mouthfuls of the beautiful meal.

"This is really good by the way. We'll have to come another time when I'm not ruining our meal with this awful story."