She put on her clothes and stuffed the last of her belongings in the small suitcase, staring into the mirror one last time. Her long blonde hair was messy and her eyes were red after a night of crying but the look on her face was determined, she was done. Done with the crying, done with all the doubts and the nights he didn't show, done with all the nasty looks and never feeling good enough, done with him.
The truth was out now, and it hurt like a motherfucker.
She heard him move around in the living room, why was he still here if all he did was wait for her to leave?
He came into the room, taking all the air out of it and making her determination fall. His blue eyes looked into hers while his hands went through his perfect hair, he almost looked sorry but she wasn't fooled. He was not sorry.
'So this is it?' he asked her, his voice sending shivers down her spine, it had always been his voice that attracted her most and made her weak, and right now she would give anything for him to just shut up.
'What else is there?' she said,' you've said all you had to say, you've made it clear and I understand, I do.'
She looked back at him, not showing any emotion, she had given him everything she had, she wouldn't allow him to take any more.
They stood opposite sides of the room, with the bed in between them as a barrier, the silence weighing heavy on the both of them.
'I never meant to...cause you pain,' he said.
She shook her head in disbelief, again with the insincere apologies that meant nothing, everything he said meant nothing now.
'It should have never come to this,' he continued.
'But who let it?' she said, putting the blame where blame was due, not with her, she had been in all the way right from the start. No one ever made her fall so hard, made her forget about everything else, her life. What was her life now?
She turned away from him, letting her eyes go through the window, the window to the real world, which she hadn't been a part of for a while now.
Where was his cruelty when they first met? Why didn't he say no then? Why didn't he show her mercy that day and just let her walk by? It would have been just a smile from a handsome stranger that would never turn into more, she would have gone about her life as if nothing happened.
But he lured her in with every word and every move, she never even stood a chance, and everything changed.
She turned back to him and stepped back when she noticed he had come closer and was on her side of the bed now, their eyes locking again.
'It doesn't have to end,' he said.
'It does after what you said, no take backs.'
'Then it doesn't have to end like this.'
'How else would it end?' she said,' it's the end...it can't be happy and proper, it ends in pain and sadness, like a real ending should be, not like you want it to.'
'Nothing is the way I want it to right now.'
'And yet this is all on you.'
She stared into his eyes now, wishing even the smallest ounce of her pain would rub off on him, but he didn't suffer, not the way she did.
He came closer again, there was no way for her to move back or out of the room, she was caught in his web. His hands made their way to her waist, gently stroking her and pulling her close to him.
She closed her eyes, still feeling his body against hers, feeling his warmth, his breath on her face as his lips found her neck and his soft wet kisses made her shiver.
It took all her strength to push him off her and onto the bed, where he sat down with a surprised look on his face.
'It's over,' she said firmly,'... it has to be.'
'It will never be over, you know that.'
She stared at him with a deadly look on her face, what gives him the right? He had caused her all the suffering she could handle and still he wasn't able to set her free.
'I am nothing,' she said,' I am nothing to you, just your dirty little secret that you want to hide away from the world, if you have ever loved me..at all..let me go.'
Tears were in her eyes now, falling down and making him back away for the first time, he sat back down on the bed letting her make her way to the door, as she took her suitcase and left the bedroom. But she didn't make it out the appartment, her suitcase hit the floor before she could open the door as she looked back, seeing him sit on the bed, hiding his head in his hands.
She felt a little hint of satisfaction at the thought that he did suffer too, even the slightest bit.
She hesitated, and with that gave him the chance to try and stop her again. He walked up to her, she was holding the doorknob, her escape to freedom, away from him, back to a normal life, the life she deserved, but she was unable to move her hand. She was chained to him by invisible chains she couldn't break.
He pushed her against the door with his whole body while staring into her eyes, taking away her last bit of resistance as he put his lips on hers. She didn't fight him off this time but welcomed his warm mouth onto hers, his lips, his tongue. She could feel herself slipping away again as his hands made their way down her thighs, she desperatly held onto him as their breathing fastened and he spread her legs, grinding up against her and pushing her up at the door.
'Do you want me to stop?' he whispered into her ear.
'No..,' she had trouble controlling her breathing, she wanted him, always, at every moment and whenever he needed her, she couldn't stop, she was completely under his control, melted with his every move, she had to have him but at the same time she knew if she caved now it would never end.
He was unbuttoning her jeans while his lips found their way to her neck again, he knew her soft spots, knew how to make her scream for him, but when she heard him laugh into her ear the moment changed. With that small subtle laugh he woke up her rage again, this was amusing to him? She hit him hard in the face.
'NO!' she screamed, as he fell back, stepping away from her, shocked by her angry reaction.
'No,' she repeated, trying to calm her voice and her breathing, she would not bow down to him, not ever again.
'If you can't take all of me then there's nothing left for you here,' she continued,' you can't just take pieces while the rest of me is falling apart, I can't do it anymore.'
He stayed quiet, his cheek was red where she hit him, for the first time tonight she could see the sadness in his eyes, the realisation of what happened, of what he had said, and that there was no going back to before, that time was gone.
'You should just go back to her,' she said,' go back to your life.'
'I can't leave you here to suffer,' he said, the tone in his voice had shifted, it was soft now, full of compassion.
'You are the reason I suffer,' she said, realising her tone had also changed, there was nothing left inside her but rage now,' all of this... it's your fault! But it is not your problem, I am not your problem anymore.'
She knew he wouldn't acknowledge it, it was her struggle, her drift into madness, he may have caused it but she let him.
Her older self would have never looked twice at a man who was already taken, but he kept coming back for her, making her fall for him. It was in no way an excuse, she realised that very well, but his other life had never been an issue for her, when he was with her she got to have all of him, and for those few hours it was enough, he had always been enough for her.
But she was nothing but a fun way to pass the time for him while she fell deeper and deeper with every passing day, until there was no space left to fall.
She looked at him, she wanted to memorize his face, every inch and every pore, knowing she would be better off trying to erase it from her memory all together, like the past years hadn't happened, if she only could...
'I did love you,' he said,' I did...it's just...'
'It's over now,' she said.
He nodded his head, confirming what she already knew. She watched him as he took his coat.
'You don't have to leave the appartment,' he said,' I will go.'
He walked up to her, looking into her eyes one last time, she desperatly tried to find anything in those blue eyes that would have given her a reason to hold on, even now she wasn't ready for it to really be over.
But while her eyes were tearing up, his were just fine, she broke eye contact.
'I will go' he repeated softly, as he opened the door and stepped outside, not looking at her again and closing the door behind him, making her break out in tears.
'You were already gone.'
