'Hello, Tom.'
She smiled into the camera but her smile was weak and faded quickly as she shook her head and bit her lip.
God, this was hard, why was this so hard? She could spend hours talking to him when he was right in front of her, but this, making a simple video message, seemed like the hardest thing to do.
Maybe it was because it had been so long, she hardly remembered what it felt like to talk to him in person. How his eyes would stare at her like they could look right down into her soul, how he heard every single word coming out of her mouth, even the ones she didn't speak, or how his voice sounded when it didn't have to travel miles to reach her ears.
And his sweet smile, she had always found it as much apologetic as she did adorable but lately, as she watched him on her laptop screen during their rare Skype conversations, she had seen less and less of it and even when it did make an appearance it looked distant and cold, and guilty.
There was no doubt in her mind he felt bad every time he left her, but it didn't change the outcome. She was the one alone, not him.
She wanted his happiness more than she wanted anything else in life, more than her own. She would have given up anything to make sure he had everything he needed, and in a way she already had. Pride and principles were something of the past, not the live she lived since him. and she had always been fine with that. She knew what she was to him and it was enough, he made her happy, she never dreamed of anything more, until recently.
'Hello, Tom,' she tried again.
'I know this is new, me sending you a message this way, but...I would never have the nerve to say what I need to otherwise, it's the only way. God, you don't even realize the power you have...You know I'm a strong minded woman, usually, but not when it comes to you. When it comes to you I am a slave, constantly at the mercy of my emotions and my feelings for you. I can see you shaking your head right now, which is exactly why I need to say this in a video. We both know you would just interrupt me and give me that sexy eye brow raise you do so well and that cute half smile that would make all my sorrows melt like snow under a burning sun. And you'd tell me not to overreact and we'll talk about it all later, when you come home in a few months. And that everything will be okay, and this will pass, as it always has, everything will be just fine because you love me, right?'
She took a deep sigh.
'And I'd let you have your way and suck it up, again, because that's the only thing I can do...'
She stayed quiet, trying to gather her thoughts before she spoke again.
'Do you still? Love me, I mean? Because lately...I don't feel anything. I don't want to keep waiting for my life to start, because right now, it's been on hold. Everything's on hold...because you're not here with me.'
Damn, she could feel the tears sting in the back of her eyes already, she would have loved to get through this without turning into a sobbing mess but she should have known that was out of the question. Not with her, not with Tom.
'I love you, you know that, I know that wasn't the deal but I love you so much I can't even express it,' she continued in a shaky voice,' but it is slowly driving me insane and I...just think I need to put myself first for once and...and it would be better if we...stopped seeing each other.'
She laughed through her tears.
'As if we're actually seeing each other now...'
She shook her head and rubbed her eyes.
'I just can't do this anymore, you're not there for me, Tom,' she continued, anger now overtaking the sadness in her voice,' you're never there for me and I fucking deserve better!'
Fuck, she had promised herself she wasn't going to swear either.
Fuck this!
***
He watched her switch off the camera, tears streaming across her cheeks as she shook her head and bit her lip. She was beautiful, he had almost forgotten, his mind had been so preoccupied lately with everything but her.
Looking at her now, how her long red hair curled around her pale freckled face and her big dark eyes were glistening with tears, she suddenly took his breath away. He had never seen her like this, so fragile and determined at the same time, the sadness in her eyes hurt his heart.
He hadn't been blind to her struggle, he knew it hadn't been easy on her the past two years, on either of them. But his job came first, acting was his true passion, his one goal in life, the thing that got him out of bed in the morning and put him to sleep with a smile at night.
He had never pretended anything else, she knew what he was and what he needed, and she knew what he could never be to her.
Had he been too naive? Was she not as strong as he believed? She seemed to be when he first met her, and while her wall was up so high she let him take it down so easily, brick by brick until she was completely open to him, mind and body.
She had seemed so at peace with herself in those first months, as if he had been able to calm the storm inside of her and she could finally let go and allow herself to be happy.
But over the past year he had seen the first cracks appear again and he was afraid that now he was the reason for that storm to rage.
He leaned back into the sofa of his hotel room and looked at the clock, past midnight already, it would be the middle of the night where she was, Skyping was out of the question but he needed to talk to her. He needed to see her, he was aware it was a selfish need, and the kind thing would be to just let her go, give her a chance to get back to her life.
But he couldn't do that just yet.
***
