Ellis in Wattpadland

Chapter Seven: Can You Make That No-Foam?

Chapter Seven

Can You Make That No-Foam?

From: Wattpad Support – How May I Assist You? by David JI McIntosh

With assistance from Lewis Carroll

"...lp!"

Lori materialized in thin air, falling six feet onto a flat, lightly-padded-but-still-really-hard surface. From there she rolled, none too gently, to fall another three feet to an unpadded and completely hard surface. Unfortunately no further details were available as she was firmly encased, head to foot, in a thick blanket. Not thick enough to cushion her from blindly falling onto unyielding surfaces mind you, just thick enough to keep the details of those surfaces a complete unknown.

Lori struggled out of the blanket like a drowning victim surfacing for air. Having achieved this one small victory she decided that taking inventory might be a prudent way to start her next adventure.

"Two arms, two legs," she listed off the appendages she currently possessed, then moved on to her ensemble. "Blue plaid flannel pajama bottoms, ratty old cotton pullover, slippers that look like big grey mousies - these are my clothes! This is the blanket I was using in my room! I think I must be me!"

"Of course you are you," said a voice from behind her. "That much is generally assumed. The real question is, why do you not have wings?"

Lori turned around and was startled to find herself talking to a six foot long caterpillar, seated at a large mushroom which appeared to serve as a coffee table. And yet with all this going on she just had to ask, "Why would I have wings?"

"Things may be different where you come from," suggested the Caterpillar. "But around here when one emerges from a cocoon they are generally transformed."

Lori struggled to figure out what he might be thinking. "Do you mean my blanket? No, it's not a cocoon. It's just a blanket."

"So this is not your butterfly stage?" said the Caterpillar. He appraised her with a glance and continued, "Well that's a relief. But please Lori, why don't you pull up a toadstool and join me?"

Lori did just that as she asked, "How do you know my name?"

"Oh, I know a great deal about you, Lori Ellis.  I've been following your adventures on Wattpad," the Caterpillar told her, displaying his iPad. "Very exciting, I might add. We have access to free Wi-Fi here, if you'd care to log on."

"Free Wi-Fi?" said Lori, wondering why this suddenly sounded familiar. She looked about at her surroundings beyond the mushroom table and the Caterpillar for the first time and was rather startled.

"Is this... is this a Starbucks?" she asked. The answer to her question was obviously 'yes' as the chain name was everywhere and so she continued with a follow-up thought, and another question. "There's only one Wattpad novel I know of that's set in a Starbucks. Are you djimcintosh?"

"Please, there's no need to be so formal," said the Caterpillar. "djimcintosh is what they call my father. Which is odd because his name is Harvey. But please, call me dji."

"So why are you a caterpillar?" Lori wanted to know.

"Well, it was either this or the Cheshire Cat," dji responded. "And of the two, I see the Caterpillar as more of a coffee drinker, don't you?"

Lori had to admit he was right about that, although she couldn't really say why. She was about to start a new line of questioning when their conversation was joined by a Starbucks employee.

"Excuse me," interrupted the employee. "You can't just sit here and use the free Wi-Fi. It's for paying customers only. If you're not going to buy something I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Not to worry," dji told the employee. "My colleagues are in line. We're just holding the table."

"Sir, we've been through this before..." said the employee.

"John! John, over here," dji called out to someone in line. When the man looked over at us he continued, "Can you also get a grande vanilla latte for my friend? Thanks!"

dji looked at the employee. He raised several of his hands palm up in a sort of 'You see?' gesture, and the employee left.

Lori suddenly realized, "I don't have my purse! I can't pay you back for the coffee."

dji waved several hands dismissively. "Don't worry, nobody is buying a coffee for you."

"But I thought...?" questioned Lori. "Your friend John...?"

"Him?" said dji. "I have no idea who he is. If you call out 'John' into a large enough crowd, someone will always look up."

Dealing with djimcintosh could make your head hurt. Lori pressed forward.

"So my adventure is being written on Wattpad?" she asked.

"Updated regularly," dji responded, using at least five of his hands to scroll through the iPad.

"Then you must be able to tell me what happens next!" Lori said excitedly, trying to glance at the tablet.

"Oh I couldn't do that," dji told her. "That would be cheating, and I never cheat!" Lori couldn't believe he just said that.

At this point their conversation was interrupted once again by the employee, who had brought along with him a Starbucks manager and a member of mall security. Lori looked concerned, but dji reassured her with a gesture.

"Don't worry Lori, I'll handle this." dji passed a large roll of bills hand-to-hand from far below the table. He then stripped off a couple from the top and stuffed them into the manager's shirt pocket. The roll of bills then disappeared, passed hand-to-hand below the table once again.

The manager looked at his shirt pocket, and pulled out the bills. He unfolded them and gave them a quick glance. "These are Starbucks coupons," he told us.

"And there's more where that came from, my good man!" dji said.

"I know," said the manager. "This is a Starbucks. I can get as many of these as I want. They're free on the counter over there!"

Lori must have looked even more concerned than before, because dji leaned over to reassure her verbally.

"Don't worry Lori, everything will be just fine," he said, patting her hand. Then he looked up suddenly, pointed at the Starbucks entrance and shouted, "Look! It's Margaret Hamilton!" (An obscure reference which brought together both The Wizard of Oz and coffee products. Look it up.)

dji turned and ran, but was soon jumped and held by at least three Starbucks employees. This was partially because his ruse did not fool anyone - I mean, he was a character from Alice in Wonderland, not The Wizard of Oz, and the coffee in the referenced commercial was Maxwell House, not Starbucks. But mostly it was because he was a giant caterpillar and as slow as a slug. Then as they tried to figure out how to cuff a caterpillar, some of the guards looked at Lori. Her cue to leave...

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A/N: Please check out the picture at the right! I did this. I am now a Photoshop genius, hahaha!