a dance with cancer

eight

Valentina Karas

The sounds of loud music, conversations, and drunk guests' vomiting are all drowned out by my ugly sobs. In the safety of my car, I'm screaming like a little kid. I'm crying not because someone told me I can't have any more ice cream, but because for the first time, the gravity of the situation hits me like a tidal wave, leaving me breathless and shattered.

The conversation replays in my mind like a cruel film reel, each scene more painful than the last. Cecelia's callous words reverberate in my ears, a reminder of the stark contrast between our lives. Her indifference to the struggles of others, particularly those facing unimaginable challenges, is a bitter pill I can't seem to swallow.

Gripping the steering wheel, I succumb to the overwhelming emotions I've been suppressing. The sobs escape from the depths of my soul, a cathartic release of the pain I've been carrying. In this moment of vulnerability, I face the harsh truth: cancer is not just a word; it's a ruthless force that has infiltrated my family, its effects running deeper than I ever imagined.

When I'm done with my tantrum, I check my phone to see several unread messages from all three of my friends plus a few unknown numbers. I glance at Katelyn's text: hey v, i know you want to be alone right now but Asher just asked me where you are

Although my brother's problems and seeing those girls flirt with Asher aren't remotely comparable struggles, they both hurt in their own ways. He's the last person I want to see. Asher is quite the ladies' man, seeing as those girls ambushed him. I'm sure they're far more exciting than me, so there's no point in being a Debbie Downer over something this trivial. 

To reply or not to reply? I don't want her to think I'm some dominating psycho who is obsessed with a guy when she's not even on his level.

V, come on. He looks upset, she replies when I fail to tell her where I am. I tell Katelyn I just want to be alone and to pass the message on to Asher. Thankfully, she doesn't push me any further, but lets me know the offer is still on the table.

As I put my Airpods in and look out the window, I can't help but wonder if he's just being nice or he genuinely cares about my well being. I look at the sky, the navy blue replacing the vibrant sunset that painted it earlier, as if it'll answer my question. Unfortunately, staring at the pitch black sky for answers is futile and I sigh in defeat once again.

I catch a glimpse of my deflated face, having a heart attack when the car mirror shows me my reflection. I'm already not the prettiest and my smudged mascara and cakey concealer don't help my case. I'm an ugly crier, so it's no surprise my entire face is bright red and my eyes are bloodshot, almost swollen shut. I make a mental note to buy some waterproof makeup because more emotional nights like tonight are on the horizon.

After that thought, I mentally kick myself. Despite reassurance from the doctor that Ronan's treatment is effective at eliminating leukemia cells, he also mentioned the form of cancer Ronan has is insanely aggressive. My brother could die at eleven, yet I'm worried about something as petty as how my makeup will look. I guess I'm not getting the Sister of the Year Award.

~

Thirty minutes later, I'm so lost in my thoughts I don't notice the visitor outside my car. Asher's gentle taps on the window startle me out of my daze. 

I don't know how I feel about seeing him. On one hand, I genuinely enjoy him. He's one of those people that doesn't just share words of encouragement to make people feel better, there's no doubting the truth behind his statements. Encouragement is something my family and I need now more than ever.