a dance with cancer

eleven

Valentina Karas

Although we went on a tour of St. Gabriel's cancer floor, it's impossible to get my bearings and find the room the receptionist told me to find Ronan in. My heart races as I try my damnedest to navigate through the maze of the hospital without losing my mind. The understanding receptionist's neat handwriting on the slip of paper taunts me as I lose my way through.

Before I give up on my journey, I feel a tap on my shoulder. A woman decked out in scrubs stands behind me with a curious look in her eyes.

I feel my cheeks turn red from embarrassment and start apologizing profusely. "I'm so sorry, ma'am."

The doctor laughs, a dimple appearing in her cheek. "You have nothing to worry about, sweetheart. Do you need help?"

I show her the room number and she escorts me there. As we walk, she asks me about what brings me to the hospital. I tell her about my brother's illness and try not to burst into tears while sharing the news. She's a good listener, nodding and asking questions at the appropriate moments.

We part ways in front room 211. When I turn the doorknob and open the door, Ronan is accompanied by a machine that's bigger than me. A needle rests in his vein as he sleeps peacefully in the sterile bed.

I would wake Ronan up, but I decide against it and sit in a chair next to his bed. I've been waiting to see his face all day. Even though he's passed out, I'm still grateful to be with him. In AP Calc, my thoughts were about his well-being rather than the math problems in front of me. 

"What's up?" I don't expect him to wake up this instant, but I hope he knows how much I want him to get better. "Even though this situation isn't great, I hope your day was decent. My friends asked about you."

Despite my efforts, he doesn't move a muscle. His position reminds me of Dad napping on the couch, blissfully unaware he might fall off if he doesn't move over.

"You know how you're coming home in a few weeks? We're going to have so much fun and I'll buy you Auntie Anne's if you don't piss me off." I chuckle, trying to be as optimistic as he is. 

Ronan wakes up after a few minutes of my yapping and smiles when he sees me. "Hey, V."

"How are you feeling?" I ask. 

He shrugs. "Just ok."

"I'm sorry." I nod, ruffling his black curls. "Are you ever scared or anything?"

To my surprise, he shakes his head. "I was nervous the first time, but the nurses are super helpful so they make it better." Lowering his voice, he adds, "I really miss home and my friends."

"Oh, Ronan." My heart drops to my shoes. Back at home, it's too quiet. Hushed conversations, sobbing in the middle of the night, and my parents anxiously checking their phones to see if the hospital called them replaces the laughter and love that once filled our house. 

"How are Mom and Dad handling it?" He questions.

I skip all of the upsetting details and tell Ronan our parents miss him like crazy. They're not the ones battling leukemia, yet cancer has turned their lives upside down.  

"They can't wait to visit." I tell him.

A few minutes later, a nurse walks in. She quietly checks Ronan's vitals and makes sure he's comfortable. Like the rest of the St. Gabriel's staff, her demeanor makes it obvious she loves her job and loves her patients. Being here, even if it's only for a few minutes out of my week, furthers my appreciation for what medical professionals do for kids like my brother.