a dance with cancer

five

Valentina Karas

The weirdest thing just happened. 

This morning, I succumbed to curiosity and decided to check Asher's Instagram, just to see if Layla had a fair assessment of his looks. To my surprise, I discovered that he's the same guy I ran into at the hospital. I didn't put two and two together until I checked the account a second time on the way home. 

Later on, I saw him again in the lobby. He was joined by Sawyer, a guy Katelyn has had a crush on since over the summer. Now that I think about it, Katelyn doesn't mention Sawyer as often as she did during the beginning of their relationship.

I see why Katelyn likes this guy. Sawyer is tall and insanely tan for a guy who lives in Tennessee where we're lucky if the UV reaches a six or seven. His dirty blonde hair is a little messy, making him Katelyn's dream guy. Sawyer is cute, but the creepy way he spoke to me makes me wonder how he treats my friend. 

Then there's Asher, who is more my type. Sawyer is about an inch taller, but Asher has more meat on his bones. It's obvious he works out, something that kind of turned me on. Plus, he has these adorable dimples on both of his cheeks when he smiles. And please don't get me started on his dark brown hair. His curls are begging me to run my fingers through them because they look so soft. I'm glad Katelyn and I never have to worry about fighting over a guy.

Going home to silence is surreal. For the first time in six years, Ronan's chatter no longer fills the house. He isn't in his room playing video games with his friends or even with a friend. He is thirty minutes away at St. Gabriel's. Don't get me wrong, the decision to do his treatment there was a no brainer. My parents were impressed with the medical staff's congeniality and Ronan enjoyed the game room and the prospect of going there a lot. We can rest easy knowing he's in good hands. The decision was the right one to make, but the silence that replaces his voice is unbearable. 

I'm not the one that has to undergo chemo and I felt at home there. When the tour guide said we're allowed an unlimited amount of visits per week, that sealed the deal for me. I'll go visit him when I can, knowing my brother needs the taste of home. 

I take a shower just to take my mind off of things. Before I get in, I find some pajama pants and a tank top to put on when I get out. The refreshing water cleanses not just my body and hair, but it revives my spirit after a difficult past few days. When I get out, I put lotion onto my wet skin and towel my soaking wet hair.

The shower leaves me feeling refreshed. I go to my room to put on clean clothes. I start to walk over to my brother's room, but quickly remember he's not here. Instead of being surrounded by his sports posters and gaming equipment, he's surrounded by machines that are helping him stay alive.

With no one else to talk to, I retreat to my room. I sigh in defeat when I look into the mirror even though none of this is my fault. My reflection is significantly less tired and the light in my blue eyes has returned. I'm the only person in my family with my eye color; my parents and brother all have brown eyes. My birth raised a lot of questions from Dad. At one point he doubted that he's my biological father. 

Sometimes I look in the mirror and mope about the way my body looks. I used to hate my thunder thighs and the chub on my stomach and arms. I've always been chubbier than all of my friends, but they never mind.

My hair is still sopping wet, so I use my blow drying brush on it. I collapse onto my bed. It's so comfortable I let out an exhale of relief. I get my phone out of my backpack's front pocket and tell Katelyn about my encounter with her boyfriend.