Romeo and Juliet

16-T-

                                                                               And The Reason Is?

Having Romeo in my dream makes me think I'm going insane.

"What's got you awake?" I hear a voice.

I choke on my water at the sudden appearance.

"Holy shit, Mom," I place a hand over my chest, "be a little obvious, please."

She pushes herself from the door frame and starts walking towards me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

I nod when I place the cup on the sink.

"So?"

"Nothing really," I lie.

She hums as she passes by me and opens the fridge. Jude walks around with a bottle of milk in her hand and a box of cornflakes in the other.

"And you?"

"I almost never sleep."

I notice her hands shaking as she pours cereal on her plate, then adds the milk.

"And the reason is?"

She looks at me as if I've grown two heads. Obviously, I know why she can't sleep. We haven't talked about the miscarriage stuff since the other day, I honestly don't know how to initiate this. I want to know what's going on, but speaking of something this vulnerable makes me weak. I wonder how she feels. Maybe I'm making things worse than they are.

She sets the box and milk together on the table.

"Don't make it hard for me, Julie."

Thinking back to the way I got to know things, it pisses me off the same way it breaks me. I try not to think about it because it makes me feel terrible, and something very dark appears in my heart. Probably I'm doing something wrong by ignoring this, but the less I think of it, the less I think of wanting to murder my dad for leaving us alone. Because that's what's got me worried. The horrible thoughts when I'm alone.

"How did it happen?"

She hesitates. "When I found out he was cheating with his secretary."

Jesus Christ!

"That happened before any of it? Before the... thing. And before the drinking thing?"

She nods, looking down at her belly. Oh, Mom! Why didn't she tell me?

"Why not tell me?" I voice my thoughts.

"I didn't want to ruin your idea of a perfect dad."

I snort. "Well. It's ten times worse now."

"You should go to his wedding. It's special for him."

My eyes roll. She has to be kidding me.

"Yeah. No thanks."

She just looks at me and doesn't push any further. I love my mother for that. She knows when to push and when not to.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm getting used to the idea of it."

"The miscarriage or the marriage?"

"Both."

"It's his fault for not keeping it in his pants. He not only lost one child but two and an amazing woman." I take slow steps towards her and take her into my arms. She grins. Jude is the best person, I have no idea why Leo did what he did.

"I love you, Juliet."

When I kiss her forehead, I can't help but wonder what would have been the gender of the child. "I love you, Mom."

She looks at me with tears in her eyes. I feel sorry immediately, but I don't say it. I suck it up and instead wrap my arms tighter than before.

When I pull back, I say, "I'll just go...so you can have a good meal."

Crying over a child never born seems really silly now that I think about it. But I can't help it. I should be a big sister. I would love being one. Being an only child gets a little lonely sometimes. And the house is big enough to drown out baby cries if they would bother me in the middle of the night.

It's sad to think about it. I wonder how Jude feels.