The Royal Heir - Dancing with my eyes closed

Empty

(Trigger warning for grief and bereavement, alcohol misuse, suicidal thoughts)

I don't get back into bed once Dad has taken Bella away. I don't shower, or get dressed. I just stay out there on that cold balcony floor. My tears are spent, my cries unanswered. I remain silent.

The sky eventually lightens. It doesn't lighten my dark mood. I just keep staring up into it. I don't see any blue in it. It's like the whole world is black and white. And I realise, it's seemed like that ever since the night our daughter was born.

Some time passes.

I hear someone come into the room.

"Your Grace." Christopher arrives at my side. He has my robe. He wraps it around me. It doesn't stop me from feeling cold. He helps me to stand up, and guides me back into the bedroom. He sits me down on the bed.

"Can I get you a coffee, Your Grace?"

I don't respond. I don't deserve a coffee. I don't deserve any of this.

I'm evil. I'm dangerous. I wanted awful things to happen to that little helpless baby. My daughter. Jen's daughter. All I have left of her.

And I probably will again.

Christopher leaves eventually, and comes back with a pot of coffee. I ignore it. I just sit on the bed, staring at the wall. He leaves the room again.

More time passes. I hear the door open and close again. The coffee will be cold by now.

It's Hana. She sits next to me and takes my hand. I let her take it, but I don't look at her or acknowledge her in any other way.

"Bella is fine, she's with Verity," Hana says. "Please, don't feel bad. You had a stressful evening last night."

I listen to her words, but I don't comment.

"Your dad told us what happened, but I'd like to hear your side of the story. I'm here to listen, if you want to talk about it."

I still don't respond. It's like I can't. Hopefully she'll go away. I don't deserve the company of such a lovely person as Hana. Not after what I just thought about doing.

I'm not sure how much time passes. Now that Jen's gone forever, time's meaningless.

Hana lets go of my hand eventually, and stands up. "I'll be back soon. I'll go and see how Bella's doing, and let you know."

She leaves the room, and it feels even colder, lonelier, in here now. But that's what I deserve.

***

It's dark now. I'm still sitting there in my robe. I did manage to get to the toilet and back earlier.

Christopher brought a meal in for me earlier. I haven't touched it. It still smells good.

I'm not going to eat it.

I stand up, just to see if I can stand up, really. I can.

I walk across the room. I don't really know where I'm going, or why. I'm drawn to the dresser. I sit down. I open the drawer that Jen used to keep her stuff in.

This seems intrusive. But I want to do it.

It's where I put her phone. It's out of battery now. I should charge it up sometime, see if she has any pictures of the two of us on there that I might want to keep.

It's also where I put the letter that we wrote to Bella, the night Jen died, when I finally got back to this room after everything, realising I had nobody to share it with anymore. But there's things in here I couldn't bring myself to look at back then.